Lily Remembered at Atlantic Beach

My thoughtful sister-in-law Kala sent me photos and a video of Lily's name in the sand on a beach in North Carolina at Atlantic Beach when she and my brother Joseph were on vacation recently. She loves her niece. :)

The sound of the waves is so soothing.

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It All Started with Those Two Lines in June

As June rolls around again, I'm reminded of this poem I wrote last June (I changed five years to six years)...

Six years ago this June

Your life within me began

Summer came and with it came you

I was 19 when those two blue lines

Changed my entire life

Telling me you were mine

Afraid of what was to come

Still feeling so young,

At first I wanted to run

Like a delicate bloom,

Slowly opening in Spring

In my heart, for you He made room

As my belly grew

Throughout those months

So, my darling, did my love for you

Six years

You whispered "hello" and "goodbye"

I am left with missing-you-tears

That positive pregnancy test

Something so small changed it all

With your life, I have truly been blessed

I ache with missing, my dear

But I smile with such joy

I am so thankful God sent you here

That positive sign too soon

Turned to words etched in stone...

It all started with those two lines in June...

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"Mom"

I am so thankful for the local Christian babyloss support group, Covered in Love, that I am a part of. At our meeting last month, the two dear ladies who started the group handed out keychains that say "mom" on them, in recognition of Mother's Day. Obviously, this is an especially sweet gift to those of us moms who have no other living children, those of us who may not look like moms to the rest of the world because we mother our sweet babies in Heaven from Earth. But, yes, I am Lily and Luke's mother and I will be forever, no matter how many future babies I may have. Thank you, Bonnie and Lisa, for acknowledging that.

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She's Not Missing Anything

My little girl will never look into her mommy's eyes or grow up and get married and have babies of her own... and everything that comes between those life moments.

I'm sad for her that she won't know the joys life holds. But ultimately, when I *really* think about it, I can't be sad for her, but am really only sad for me missing those things with her. Because Lily is not missing out on anything. She only and will ever only know the perfection of Heaven, my love, and the love of Jesus.

A new blog follower wrote me an email a couple weeks ago. This is part of what she said: "Your Lily is blessed to have a mother with such strength for her remembrance of the life that she carried and brought into this world. You are the vessel of a miracle, and for all of Lily's life you were her safe haven, a supplier of warmth and gratitude, a cave of perfection. That is all your little Lily will know of this world... Throughout all the chaos, sadness, anger, and sin, you somehow managed to keep Lily away from all that. You gave Lily a life people can only dream about. You gave Lily a life and a voice."

What comforting words. She's right... Lily had everything any parent could ever want for their child, only love, without any sorrow or sin. My womb protected her. And now she is protected by the One who created her, waiting to be embraced by me one day.

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The Ultimate Graduate

Checking out at Walgreens yesterday, the cashier randomly mentioned how his granddaughter is "graduating" preschool and will be starting Kindergarten this fall. My heart broke a little bit because I couldn't tell him about my daughter who should also be starting Kindergarten this year. But as my cousin Anna said when I expressed to her how difficult this milestone is and how hard it'll be to see the "first day of school photos," Lily is with all the other little would-be Kindergartners in Heaven.... That's right, and they have the BEST teacher ever. She's really the ultimate graduate, having gone on to her Eternal Home.

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Beautiful Rainbow

My friend Elise saw a beautiful rainbow a couple weeks ago on her drive home from work. She decided to take a different way home than she usually does so she could go by Lily's spot and see if the rainbow was visible from there to take a photo, knowing how much it would mean to me. She's one special and thoughtful friend. Made my day. :)

I wonder if my rainbow is on the horizon. For those not in the "babyloss community," a rainbow baby is a child born after the storm of the loss of a baby. It doesn't take away the fact that the storm happened, but it brings hope and new life in the midst of it.

Lord Jesus, please bring me my rainbow baby one day.

Here is the back of Lily's stone and my grandparents and Aunt Rachel's bench right beside it

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Share a Coke

Coca-Cola has bottles that say "Share a Coke with" and then a random name listed (there are many name possibilities).

A few weeks ago, I thought how special it would be to find one with Lily's name, but knew that could be challenging with all the names out there.

Then a couple weeks ago, I was at the grocery store when I saw a bin of Coke bottles and thought I'd at least check to see if I could find Lily. I had a feeling (and prayed) that I would. After looking at a few, I found my girl's name (only thing is they spelled it wrong lol). I was so excited to find it and then glanced down and what do ya know, there was Luke's name too! Out of all the names those bottles could have had on them, there were both my L's waiting for me to find.

This of course is something small and may seem silly to others, but those who've lost children know how much is in a name and how much we treasure our children's names. They are proof of their existence and one of the only things we could give them as mothers here on Earth. I believe God even cares about giving us small gifts like this that mean something to us, even when nobody else would care or understand.

And to all my dear friends who've lost a child, know I think of them and you each time I see or hear their name or something you associate with them.

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