Saturday, August 2, 2014

Holding Her Close

I haven't posted for over two weeks. It's not because I haven't had things I want to share, but more because I've been busy with different things. I will be posting about a few things hopefully soon, but for now, I just wanted to write a little something that's been on my mind...

I have been thinking lately about how Lily's perfect little heart beat strong and steady on this Earth for close to a year. That is not much time, but I am so thankful for those months. It is so hard that one of the people that I love most dearly in the world was here for such a brief time. But, the impact that little girl has made on me and countless others is truly immeasurable. 

A JJ Heller song that I love called "Olivianna" says, "life is short, but it is wide." That perfectly describes Lily's life... painfully short, yet the impact stretches deep and wide. I truly believe her life and legacy has and will continue to make an impact far beyond what I will ever know or understand this side of Heaven.

As more time separates me from the time when my little girl was alive, I feel my love for her growing stronger. I can't explain it and don't even fully understand it, but I really do love her more today than I ever have. Not only do I love her because she is my daughter, but I love her for who she is, I love her for the purposes God called her to. And as I've written before, she was called to be my daughter of Heaven. I love her even deeper now than ever because I am learning to accept in a new way that God bid her go before we said hello. I am feeling more settled and at peace in Lily's death, in my "relationship" with her now (how I mother her legacy from Earth while she's in Heaven), and in who I'm becoming through the heartache and the love.

I thank the Lord that He's allowed me through the years to see the beauty in the ashes and that He has a plan and purpose in Lily's brief life, and even in her death, but I won't lie to you and say it has not been and doesn't continue to be the most painful loss I've ever known. I praise God through this and know He is in control and loves me and Lily and has a plan, but I miss Lily and always will wish in a way that I could raise her on Earth. 

However, as a line in a song called "Light" that always makes me think of Lily by a band I like called Sleeping at Last says, "I will always hold you close, but I will learn to let you go." I will always hold you close, Lily girl. In fact, I hold you closer to my heart now than ever before. But, I am also learning to let you go and learning to embrace the purposes God has for you. I am learning that letting you go doesn't mean holding you any less close.


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