Tuesday, August 5, 2014

I'd Still Choose Her

I had a dream last night that a beautiful little girl was walking down an aisle, sprinkling rose and lily petals along the way. I knew that it was at my wedding. As I was waking up, my heart felt so very heavy. I got hit with the reality yet again that I will live the rest of my life without Lily (I'm not sure why this dream made me feel this way). I mean, I know this already and I know I just wrote that I am becoming more and more at peace with losing Lily, but every now and then, the reality of her absence feels like a punch in the gut.

Lily won't be at my wedding. Lily won't know her future siblings. For whatever reason, this dream put that heavy feeling in my heart and I felt it looming as soon as I woke up. It was such a sad and incredibly overwhelming feeling. I want her to be a part of the special days that are to come.

I feel so overwhelmed knowing that I will feel this missing for the rest of my life. I will never not miss her, even though my feelings change through the years. I guess sometimes I just wish that I could feel normal for once, whatever "normal" is. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel that ache that I've become so accustomed to over the past four and a half years. I wish I could feel like other 24-year-olds (almost 25, my birthday is August 12th) feel, without knowing such profound grief and loss.

I am choosing to see the little girl in my dream as Lily, sprinkling roses and lilies down the aisle, reminding me that she is with me always. Roses and lilies symbolize she and I. Her heart will beat as long as mine does. She will be at my wedding. She will know my future children. She is a part of me, therefore she is a part of every day, a part of my future, a part of who I am today and who God is still shaping me into.

Though not having Lily here hurts, I would never wish her away or wish for another child instead. As lyrics in a song I like by The Civil Wars say, "I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you." I'd still choose you, sweet girl. I'd choose you a million times over for I love who God created you to be and the purpose He has in both your life and your death. Do you know how happy you made me?

"I loved the girl with the utmost love of which my soul is capable and she is taken from me - yet in the agony of my spirit, in surrendering such a treasure, I feel a thousand times richer than if I never possessed it." -William Wordsworth (I changed boy to girl)


1 comment:

  1. I get it.... and no matter how many other children you have in the future, that ache will never go away. (((hugs)))


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