Wednesday, April 8, 2015

My Better Dream

I have all sorts of partially written blogs just sitting in my drafts folder. I was briefly looking through them today when I came upon some posts from the fall of 2009, shortly after I had started my blog. I was pregnant with Lily at the time and wanted my blog to be a place where I could encourage others facing similar circumstances, mainly unplanned pregnancy. Eventually, I wanted this to be a place where I'd post photos of Lily and share updates of her growth and life. I never imagined how it would turn out. I also wanted to share about my pregnancy journey. There are unpublished posts titled, "It's a GIRL!," "Pregnancy Center Banquets," and "Preparing for Baby."

Anyways, I came across a post from October 25th, 2009 called, "Making a New Plan."

It is difficult to come across these posts from that time in my life, knowing how I had no clue that Lily would say goodbye before I said hello. Knowing that those few months were all I'd ever get... oh, how I wish I would have cherished it more than I did, not wishing the time to come for her to be born.

I am not sure why I never finished writing all those posts from the time when I was pregnant. I wish I had. I was just so sick and tired most of the time and kept putting it off, figuring I had more time. I would love to be able to read more from my perspective in that season of my life.

This is what I said in that post:
My mom got me a journal at Target that has this saying on the cover: "Sometimes on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one." My eyes filled with tears when I read it and realized it explains my life. The dreams and plans I had for my life never included getting pregnant before marriage at such a young age.
But, God is showing me that He has a new plan and Lily is my better dream. I got lost on the way to this place, really lost, but now I'm found. By Him, in Him. Because of her. She always was planned by Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
He has always known the plans He's had for my life. He knows the plans for my future. He knows the plans for Lily's future. He will not harm us. He gives us hope and a future. She will forever be a part of my future. And though a few months ago I may have told you that was terrifying and not a good thing, I know now it is a good thing. I am still scared about my future, but I know that God has a plan and a purpose. And I love Lily more than I ever knew I could.
She's my better dream...

She was my better dream then. And she's my better dream still. Her life and her legacy.

"Sometimes on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one."

Before her, I had lost my ability to dream. But, with the realization that life grew within me came the realization that God had given me the ability to dream again.

My dreams are now a ripple effect from her life!

And how perfect that the journal has flowers and a butterfly on it? I used this journal as my pregnancy journal. I am so thankful to have those words to look back on.


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