Friday, June 12, 2015

Time Is Not a Healer

My Facebook these days is flooded with happy engagement announcements, whimsical wedding photos, creative pregnancy updates and ultrasound photos showing growing babies, etc. It makes my heart sting with each post I see. Should I "unfollow" that person so I don't have to see their posts regularly?

That's the thing... if I were to unfollow each person who posts such things, I would have to unfollow a huge majority of my friend list. Which then makes me want to just deactivate Facebook altogether. Social media can be really neat in ways, helping people keep up with friends and family, being able to reach more people, and what not. However, it can also facilitate a discontentment with where God has someone in their life. How easy it is to compare our lives to others! And Facebook has a way of making everyone else's life look so much better than one's own because let's be honest, most people only put their best foot forward in the "online world."

I don't want to feel like I want to unfollow people or leave social media. Because I am in the season of life where my peers are doing these things... getting engaged, married, and having babies. But, why, oh why, must it hurt so badly?! I want to be okay with these posts. I don't want my heart to hurt when I see these announcements and updates. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for these people... but I want to be only happy for them, without that familiar tinge of sadness for me. I don't want to compare my life to theirs. I don't want to grow bitter. I don't want to be annoyed. I don't want to be discontent. I don't want to question what God is doing. I don't want to feel overlooked or forgotten by Him or by others. And seeing how what seems like "everyone else" (though I know of course that is not true) have the things I so deeply long for with all my being just plain hurts.

And you know how "they" say that time is a healer?

Well... I am here to tell you that is simply untrue. Five years have done nothing to heal my heart. Yes, I have gotten used to living life without Lily. But, in some ways, it has gotten more difficult, especially as the years tick by and I remain single and without a living child.

I don't want this to seem like a pity party because I know that some people seem to think that about how I feel. But, the truth is, nobody knows what it's like to walk in another's shoes. Nobody knows the longings of their heart or their pain. How easy it is for someone not in a particular situation to judge.

God is the only One who can heal my pain. He is the only One who can give me grace for the path He has called me to walk, even when I feel faint, even when I'm filled with questions. Lord, please hold this heart of mine. Teach me to walk in trust, faith, humility, love, and grace.

**Update** I first wrote this post around a month or two ago and it sat in my drafts for a while. While I still struggle with this, I can honestly say that God has been giving me His amazing grace, patience, and contentment for the season He has me in. I am realizing more and more every day that He is truly all I need in this life and I am praising Him for the hard things in my life that are drawing me closer to Him.


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