Monday, July 3, 2017

She Great-Grandmothered Her Legacy

One of the dreams it's difficult to let go of is my lifelong dream of having Bumma attend my wedding and get to meet and know my future children and have them know her... especially when she would have been able to had I gotten married at the age I would have liked (you can't exactly force it to happen, or at least you shouldn't).

It adds another layer of complication for my heart when I think that Bumma would have known Lily and Lily for sure would remember Bumma well by age 7.

As I give these buried dreams to Jesus, realizing they can never be realized on Earth and feeling confused knowing He could have made it happen, I feel a peace enveloping my heart.

As I reflect back on my relationship with Bumma through my life, my childhood was sweet. But I am most thankful Bumma got to see me grow into an adult, and even more so a mother. She watched as the Lord transformed my heart.

As Ed Sheeran sings in his song "Supermarket Flowers" that reminds me of Bumma: "You (she) got to see the person I have become."

Bumma was a part of my mothering Lily's legacy. She great-grandmothered her legacy. She knew and loved Lily because she had the special bond that a great-grandmother has with her great-granddaughter, even if they never officially "met." And she knew her through me. She was a part of my daughter's life and legacy in such a beautiful and intricate way...

She visited the cemetery with me frequently and decorated her spot for me when I couldn't.

She gushed over her scrapbook pages that I pored my time and attention on.

She visited the hospital where Lily was born on her birthday one year and delivered comfort boxes and cupcakes for the nurses.

She got to see the sacred room where Heaven met Earth and Lily was born (there "just so happened" to be nobody in there that day).

She painted her nails pink and blue with me for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and lit candles with me for the International Wave of Light.

She went on a Remembrance Walk in Harrisonburg when we were both on the local news.

She created a handmade memorial stocking for her first-born great-granddaughter.

She was a part of Lily's Butterfly Release.

She was a part of her Stone Placement Ceremony.

She was a part of her birthday celebrations... and every other thing I've done for and because of Lily. She'd be sure to invite the family to these gatherings

She even came to hear me speak at my very first banquet, which was held at THE BEACH on Bumma's 82nd birthday (shout out to my Aunt Nana for driving her all that way to make it!). This is Bumma wearing the t-shirt she was given at that banquet.

A lady stopped by Bumma's house when we were working on cleaning it out last weekend and asked if my name is "Rose." She told me Bumma would always talk about me and excitedly told her about getting to hear me speak. She was proud of me for being vulnerable with sharing my story. She wasn't ashamed of the choices I had made, but praised the Lord for how He turned the story around and worked it for my good and His glory.

She supported me and loved me in my own version of motherhood. She eagerly anticipated each new blog post and devoured every word as soon as it arrived in her inbox (I called her my #1 blog follower and somehow it brought me comfort knowing she was always there reading). She even sometimes battled her smartphone to leave me short but sweet comments. ;) She'd always be on the lookout to get me all things rose and lily or butterfly related and told me when she ate something red-velvet or heard of something that reminded her of me and Lily or anything babyloss/pro-life related. We were always deep in her heart.

Our bond deepened indescribably when I was an adult because we both know what it means to bury a baby. Her support that came from a place of understanding cannot be measured. She made me a better mother and was truly one of the dearest and closest friends I'll ever have.

So though I'm sad she won't hold my future children and they won't know her, though I wish she could attend my wedding... it brings so much joy as I focus on all I have to be thankful for... Bumma so beautifully held Lily in her heart while here and she now holds her in her arms. They have each other and that is amazing. She will be an honored guest at my wedding and my children will know her still, for she lives on in all of us she's shaped and left her forever mark on. ❤️

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