Silent ones, I will be your voice

To be the voice that can't be heard. The silence is a voice in itself, speaking volumes if only we'd listen. It tells of the lives that never got to be, but were.

They were.

And even if you explain it away, these are souls, not just bodies. And they need a voice. And HE is that voice. And HE is to give me that voice.

My mind wonders to thoughts of a child, gasping for every breath, but with lungs too frail to survive. I see the fight in his eyes, the desperation of his sweet spirit. And I know his own mother chose that.

That her own child would suffer. And die.

I'm hooked. One thought of this helpless life, and a warrior rises up in me.

My heart bleeds for each one of these silent ones. I will not remain silent. I will be a voice. Their voice. And I will tell the world of this.

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my Heart and my Mind

At times, I find myself in this surreal state of questioning whether or not this is really my life. My mind says, yes, it is. But, my heart tells me she's here. She's not forever silent. Forever still.


I can go peek over at her in her crib in the middle of the night, just to watch her chest go up and down, in repetitive motions, breathing and existing. I can cuddle with her tiny, warm body snuggled up to me, her eyes locking with mine, gazing into my soul.


She's part of me.


My heart tells me it's still winter, and I'm still waiting in joyful expectation for her life to begin and mine to begin anew, with her. My heart leads me to the baby section to search for pink, frilly outfits, suitable only for a princess.


But, my mind jolts me back to reality, reminding me that yes, this is my forever, continual reality. And yes, she is gone.


No, I never got to hear her cry. No, I never had the chance to gaze into the eyes of this gift, this new life, such a part of me, so fresh from God. She never got to meet her mama, her home for 40 weeks and 2 days, the only world she ever knew. She never got to see the face of the one whose voice was so familiar. She never got to feel my warm skin against hers, my salty tears of joy falling on her beautiful face as I held her for the first time.


No. None of this can be so.


Yet, it is.


I did hold her in my arms. But, never once did she take a breath. Never once have I held my child with life within her. What I know about her is only memories of her in me. My body where she was alive. She was real.


This new soul, created by God. Taken so soon. No cries. No laughter. No birthday parties. No snuggling with mama. No road trips. No wedding. No babies. No future.


Nothing but the imprint left on the hearts of those who will never forget. Who will go on loving. Go on missing. Go on adoring. Only from afar. But, adoring her nonetheless.


Her earthly life, no more.
But her legacy, always...

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My Favorite Picture

My friend, Kala, edited my favorite picture with Lily, that was taken by my mom. I just love it and plan on doing something special with it. =)

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Be Mine

These screams echo in my head.
Constant voices badgering my soul.
My inner most being
It aches.
It yearns.
It sees the wretched defilement
of who it is.
What its done.
There's no way out.
I'm stuck in this despair.
Like quick sand, I keep sinking.
Deeper and deeper into this abyss.
The deepest parts of me are crying,
screaming out loud.
But not a tear on my face.
Not a sound to be heard.
The only one who hears me is You.
You see my deepest needs,
my deepest desires,
my fears.
And you hold them in Your hand.
You tell me to cling to You
with all that is in me.
Drown out the voices,
the constant chatter,
the never-ending noise
of the devil and his world.
To cling to You.
With all that is in me.
Holding nothing back.
Run to You,
lean on You.
Please carry me,
hold me,
love me.
I am Yours.
Be mine.

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2 months.

It's been 2 months today since Lily came and went. So short, yet so long. How would she be changing? I miss her so much.

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On Mother's Day, Birth, and Insensitivity

During my pregnancy, I became friends with a few other gals who were also pregnant. We met at the LifeCare Pregnancy Center taking classes on pregnancy, birth, baby-care, etc.

One of my friends was due less than 2 months after I was. The last picture of me pregnant was taken at her baby shower, the day before my due date. I was so excited for our little girls to grow up together. We even planned on going to the beach in August to celebrate both our birthdays. I will be 21 this year.

Well, my precious daughter died. And hers was born healthy. On Mother's Day weekend. As if it's not hard enough to hear of her birth and to know what I should have, it has to be on Mother's Day, my first Mother's Day without my child here to celebrate with me.

Not only that, but she actually had the audacity to complain to me about her labor and delivery experience (nothing traumatic, just normal and expected things). I'm like, seriously?!?!?! Can you not be more sensitive and think of who you are talking to? Guess what, I had to go through labor and delivery too and I don't have my healthy daughter here as the fruit of it all. How can she not realize how hurtful that is? :(

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A Day to Rejoice

Mother's Day has come and gone now. I knew I wanted to post something, but didn't quite know what. Words fail me. What is there to possibly say to comfort these mothers who exist without their children? What is there to say, to think, that can possibly comfort myself? Bring me some sort of peace. Where words fail, tears somehow seem to suffice.

All I can do is cry for the loss of Lily. The loss of the babies of women that I have never even met. I cry. For the mommy who doesn't like chocolate, but for Mother's Day ate a piece of Blackout Chocolate Cake, in honor of her precious boy, Matthew, who loved it. For the mommy that lost her twin boys, Dale and Jesse, who were sure to fill her home with vibrant life. For the mommy that lost three babies and is still waiting for a Mother's Day with a child to show for it. For the women that have been trying and trying to become a mommy, to no avail. For the mommy that misses her sweet Kathlyn and just wants to sleep and escape, rather than have the day of flowers, giggles, cards, and joy that should'v been. I cry for the lifetime of "why's?" that each of us babyloss moms live with. I cry for how different Mother's Day would have been if she were here. How proud I would be to show her off and have people know I'm her mommy and wish me a happy Mother's Day. But, nobody said it. No perfect stranger knew that this was my first Mother's Day and I was spending it without my light, my world, my darling. It's a day of beautiful sorrow.

A day that reminds us to cherish and be cherished. To rejoice over our mothers and be rejoiced by our children. I rejoice for the precious gift God gave me in her. And I mourn the life I never knew outside of myself. I'm a mother on Mother's Day without the very soul that rendered me a mother. Yet, I still am a mother. Her mother. I held my daughter in my arms less than two months ago. As my friend, Kala, says...though she doesn't know Lily, she feels her life all around. This Mother's Day, I felt her life, I rejoiced, I remembered, I cried, and I thanked God for giving me the most precious gift I could ever receive.

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I am at Massanutten Resort this week with my grandmother (Bumma), sister, mom and brother, Adam. This was the week we had planned on having a baby shower for Lily with Virginia friends and family. And everyone would be meeting her now as well. Definitely lots of emotions wrapped up into the week.

On the way up, I couldn't help but notice a mom with her adorable twins and newborn baby at a rest area. This made me stop in my tracks. I realized that I should have my newborn with me right now.

I kept trying to think of what I could do special for Lily. I read of all these moms doing special things to remember their babies. I just didn't have the energy to do much of anything.

I awoke to breakfast in bed, made by my sweet sister. My family was so dear to go out of their way to treat me like a mother for Mother's Day.

Later in the day, we had lunch at Cracker Barrel (my favorite restaurant!) Mom got me a beautiful Willow tree (which I collect). I got a couple cards and a couple people wishing me a happy Mother's Day.

The day was hard, yes, but overall it was special. A bittersweet day. But, a beautiful day, nonetheless, remembering my lovely Lily. Though I don't have the one here on earth that made me a mother, she is in my heart always. I love and miss you, Lily!! Thank you for making me a mommy on Mother's Day! :)

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