Reflections on 2011

This is just the beginning of the story He's writing for me...this chapter is ending, but it marks the beginning of what He holds for me next. All the glory goes to God and God alone! I may not know the way I go, but oh I know my Guide!

Highlights of 2011:


On February 6th, it's been two years...the Lord continues to cultivate this desire in me to share my testimony and be the voice for unborn life...


On March 16th, we celebrated Lily Katherine's life on her first birthday. 

In April, I met Shawn Carney, the Co-Founder of 40 Days for Life and host of the television series "beingHUMAN." Some might know him as the director of the Coalition for Life in Texas where former Planned Parenthood director, Abby Johnson, went after having a change of heart from seeing an ultrasound-guided abortion. I get email updates from 40 Days for Life and rarely read them. One afternoon, I randomly clicked open the email to discover that Shawn was going to be in Chapel Hill the following evening for a peaceful prayer vigil in front of the Planned Parenthood there. I see now that was God guiding me. I was able to share my story with him and he asked if he could share it at his speaking engagements around the world! I was so blessed by our conversation. When my mom mentioned that we should have brought the book "unPLANNED" for him to sign, he offered to mail us a signed copy. He's a very down-to-earth, kind person and very inspirational to talk with. A couple weeks later, I received a copy of the book with this written on the inside cover: In honor of Lily and her courageous mother. With God all things are possible. ~Shawn Carney

In May, my mom, best friend, Kala, and I drove to Greensboro to meet Claire Culwell, an abortion survivor and pro-life speaker. Claire is best friends with Abby Johnson. I had come across her story online and was so excited to discover she was coming to NC a couple weeks later. I was able to share my testimony with her and we are now friends, staying in contact. She is also helping me in starting to share my story:) 

In May, my brother, Joseph, and I went to Tennessee to visit our dear friends Jonathan and Amanda, little Emily, and baby Anderson on the way. On Mother's Day, we drove to Chattanooga to the National Memorial for the Unborn. The memorial has an indoor granite memorial wall in honor of babies lost to abortion and gardens outside with brick pavers in honor of babies lost to stillbirth and miscarriage. There is a pregnancy center in the other half of the building and it all sits on the site and in the same building where an abortion clinic was for many years. The entire site has a sacred essence to it, especially the room that is honoring aborted babies. I felt such a deep feeling of reverence in there as I was overwhelmed by all the names on the wall and the special things left behind by grieving family and friends of these lost little ones. It was so moving to read all the letters and poems. What a special gift to be there on Mother's Day! A time and place to honor and remember BOTH my babies at once, the only place on earth where I can tangibly do this. I am getting a plaque and brick paver there. I'm thankful Amanda and I got to have such a sweet time together there as we have both had losses. What was once a place of great sorrow where thousands of babies were killed is now a place that honors and remembers these lives, a place dedicated to the Lord, a place of hope and healing...See all the photos from that trip here.

On October 2nd, I, along with two other young ladies, spoke to the Raleigh Pure Fashion participants and their moms at the Mother-Daughter social. There were about seventy-five people present. I shared on the topics of modesty and purity. 

From October-December, I was at Ellerslie Leadership Training in Colorado. I started my blog Jesus is Victor to share my journey to get there, my adventures while there, and what the Lord taught me to carry with me everywhere. The Lord supernaturally provided the money for me to go! 

On Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I went to Lily Lake! So special :)

I met the sweet little girl, Sierra, who the Lord used to bring much healing.

Bonnie was one of my roomies at Ellerslie. She is an abortion survivor! The Lord showed us that together, we represent both sides of abortion. It is amazing to see that no matter how one is affected by abortion, His desire is to heal, restore, and redeem...

I finally met Bex and little Kip in person after over two years of friendship! Such a special season with her.

On December 9th, I shared my testimony with over forty ladies from Ellerslie. Mrs. Osborne set it up at her house for me to share. What an honor and joy it was!

After wanting to get my ultrasound picture from Planned Parenthood for a couple years, I finally did on December 29. I also named my first baby, Luke Shiloh and found out he was due on October 1, 2009. The Lord continues to bring healing and closure.

My love for photography blossomed this year as I started All Things Lovely Photography. (please become a fan of my page) :)
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Philippians 4:8
The idea behind the name I chose is this verse...I want to capture all that makes life lovely and keep myself and others dwelling on those things! Each moment in life is a precious gift, and tomorrow is never a given. I have always loved taking pictures and spend hours looking through photos from my childhood and scrapbooking these memories. In the several months after losing Lily, I realized just how important capturing these precious moments is. I am filled with sadness when I think about the fact that I don't have any high-quality images of her precious hands and feet. The photos I do have are very low-quality and will never be enough. I will never have those moments with Lily back. From now on, it is my desire to capture each of life's precious moments on camera. All the beautiful things in my life have flowed out of Lily's life. When the Lord showed me if I chose LIFE for my baby, I had no idea the beauty it would bring, He was right...I never could have imagined how the story would be written, yet it is breathtakingly beautiful. This year, I did several sessions and three weddings! I enjoy photography so much...just like writing and blogging, it is a way to grieve and heal. 

Preparations underway this year for Lily's Legacy care packages to be distributed to the local hospitals in Raleigh, NC. I'm hoping we (my mom and I are doing the project together) can make the first delivery on Lily's second birthday, March 16th, 2012.

Other favorite blog posts from 2011:
Valentine's Day Poem in honor of Lily
Adventures never to be had
Engraved footprint necklace
When was the moment?
the month of March
One more day
Happy first birthday, my darling

I hosted my first blog giveaway, celebrated my third Babylost Mother's Day, and my mom created a beautiful memorial garden at our home in honor of Lily Katherine and Luke Shiloh (will post photos of it this spring).

On September 16, my best friend in the world moved ten hours away to Alabama to work at Teen Challenge. It was so hard to say goodbye to her, but God has taught me to surrender everything to Him, trust that He has a plan for each of us, and allow Him to have His way. He is the Great Comforter and will carry me through each trial and hardship I face...

2011 felt much different than 2010. It was bittersweet for 2010 to end because that was Lily's year and I will always think of her when I think that year. This year, the Lord took my hand and took me another few steps forward in my journey of grief, healing, growing in my walk with Him, and preparing for the future that only He can see right now. I know that I have a heart for ministry and sharing my testimony, so I'm waiting for the Lord to direct my path and show me what's next.

My God is so much more beautiful than I ever could have imagined and His plans for my life are far better than my own. I realize I am just getting a glimpse of His beauty and His plan for me and this is only the beginning. In the spring of this year, I never could have dreamed that before the end of the year, I'd be debt free, an Ellerslie graduate, and a speaker! God has shown me different aspects to Who He is to me...He truly is my All in All. He has shown me this year that He is faithful, He is my Heavenly Father and cares about my every need, big and small. I can trust Him. When you step out in faith and obedience unto Him, you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will guide your steps and supply all you need, the moment you need it!


I am so excited to see what He holds for me in 2012...He is showing me that in order to be entrusted with greater things, I must be faithful in the small things He's giving me today...in sharing on my blog and one on one with people or in smaller groups.


I'd love to know whose reading these words of mine. If you read this, please leave a comment and let me know you were here! You don't have to be a follower or member of blogspot to comment. You can go to the comment box and select the option where you type in your name. Blessings to you in the new year!:)

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Light and Peace

It's a new year and a new step in my journey of healing and grieving. I decided to share the name I've picked out for my first baby. Though I had my abortion when he was six weeks gestation (much to early to discover the sex) I firmly believe the Lord has revealed to me this baby was a boy. Just as I knew Lily was a girl from the beginning of my pregnancy, I just know this baby was a boy. It's amazing how God can reveal that to you. I feel He showed me that with Lily so that when I'm here on this journey of grief over my first child, I can have the peace and confidence in knowing he's a boy. My mom also said a couple nights ago that she strongly feels he was a boy. My whole life I always believed I'd mother a boy first and now I have peace that I do. :)

In order to have a name or an identity, one must exist. To exist can never be past tense. The Bible tells us to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. My dear child not only existed at one time on earth, growing quietly hidden from all eyes within my womb, but has since existed in my heart. And now exists in Heaven with the King of all Kings. In knowing Him, I know my first child. My child who now exists in the only perfect place there is. My little boy who is now with his little sister, Lily Katherine, in Heaven. When I meet him there, I will know more than just his name...

Anyways, I feel there are many steps in this journey. Sharing my testimony was a big one. Getting the ultrasound picture from Planned Parenthood was a big one. And now naming my child is the next step. For a couple years, I've wanted to name him, but didn't want to do so until I was sure the Lord was revealing to me the gender of the baby. Now that I have peace in that, I didn't want to name him until I was sure it was a name God was giving me, not just any old name. It was frustrating because I didn't want to rush naming him, but also didn't want to keep referring to him as "my first baby." I prayed it would be as beautiful and orchestrated by God as my daughter, Lily Katherine's, name was.

Well, there were two names that kept coming back to my mind. The middle name was one that I never would have considered naming my child, but it just kept coming back. I decided to look up the meaning of both names and was in awe over the beauty and depth of the meaning. It couldn't be more perfect for my story. I see God's fingerprint all over it. 


The name is  ....


Meaning of Luke: The root exists in Greek as well: the word (leukos) means (1) light, bright, brilliant, of sun light, or (2) of color: white. In the sense of white, the name Luke is related to the Hebrew name Laban, except that the Hebrew root that gave rise to this name never means light-giving. This Greek word for white shows up in words such as (leukainos), meaning to make white, and an enormous array of words like that - from having white blossoms to having white arms or to be with white horses. The noun (luchnos) denotes a portable lamp, and the very fair word (amphiluke) denotes the morning twilight.

Wow.

In the midst of my darkness, my sin, my sorrow, God has brought light. He lifted me up out of my pit, cleaned me off, and set me on a firm Rock. My story looks like one of utter darkness, yet look how the Lord has redeemed it and turned it into a beautiful story! Only HE can do that! I am white as snow in the eyes of my Jesus because of His cloak of righteousness around me. He has made me white. He has brought light out of the darkness of my abortion. After the darkness, comes the morning twilight. After my abortion and living in sin has come beauty and redemption, unlike any I could have dreamed. 

"So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." ~Romans 13:12b...I saw this Scripture written somewhere random yesterday at a good friend's wedding and it was confirmed that this is my baby's name. I have put aside the deeds of darkness in my life, my past behavior and have put on the armor of light. What the enemy meant to destroy me with, God has brought light out of it. As we are willing to bring what is in darkness into the light, the Lord heals...

Meaning of Shiloh: Hebrew-Peace. Possibly a symbolic name for the Messiah, Jesus Christ.

The Lord has brought complete peace and healing to my heart. Things that would take those in the world many decades to heal from, Jesus Christ brings healing with a single breath, a single word. He defies all darkness. Also possibly a symbolic name for the Messiah. It serves as a reminder that He is coming and will wipe away every tear and we will have complete peace for eternity with Him. And I will be reunited with both my babies that glorious day.

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." ~Isaiah 1:18

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." ~Galatians 2:20

I love my precious first child, Luke Shiloh, the very soul that rendered me a mother. I honor and remember him today.

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Evidence of His Life...

For more than two years, I have been wanting to go to the Planned Parenthood where I had my abortion to get my records, in hopes of finding out more information about my first baby and really hoping for an ultrasound photo. I was nervous/anxious/scared to call because I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what they would say. A friend of mine greatly encouraged me and gave me boldness to step out and take that first step in calling them. She shared with me what I should say and that helped a lot. So, I called and said I'd be in town this week and wanted to stop by to get my records. I had no idea whether they'd have an ultrasound photo or not...I mean, I remember getting an ultrasound, but don't recall them printing anything off. I think part of the reason I put it off for so long is because I was scared they wouldn't have one and that would break my heart. I wanted to go in person, rather than dealing with it all by mail, because I knew I would have to show my I.D. and sign some paperwork (by mail it is much more complicated). And I also wanted to be sure they didn't leave out any of my records (specifically my ultrasound images). I felt like it was something that I needed to face in person.

I went to Planned Parenthood this afternoon (December 29th) and asked for my records and said I wanted any ultrasound photos that they might have. My friend told me they usually leave this out when women ask for their records unless you specifically ask for them. The girl looked at me strangely and I could tell she was uncomfortable. I was shaking and so nervous, but prayed for courage and the words to say. The Lord gave me confidence. I was waiting in anticipation to see if they had any photos and I saw her go over to the copy machine. I was so happy! Then, I asked if I could have the original copy and that's when the woman who had counseled me (the manager) when I had my abortion came into the room...she had pulled in right after me. I see that was God's perfect timing. I had almost come a different day and then a different time that day. She said they have to keep the original on file for 10 years and I asked if I could have them before they throw them away and she said nobody has ever asked her that and that she'd have to check for me. Then, she said, "Why do you want them?" She looked alarmed at first and asked if I needed to see somebody about this and I said, "No, the Lord has brought me total healing, but having this photo is very important to me to grieve healthily and honor his life." I felt that was my open door to share a shortened version of my testimony with her...with the very woman who counseled me when I had my abortion! I even mentioned my blog and she wrote it down and said she wanted to read it. The Lord truly put the words in my mouth and it was beautiful to feel His presence there with me. It was very difficult to go back in there after all this time. Then she said she is going to ask if I can have the original copy now, without waiting 7 more years! I truly feel this is a gift from God to have this ultrasound photo...it's another step in this journey of healing and grieving the loss of this precious life. Now, I believe it is time to name this child and respect his life in that way. I also plan on getting a name plate for him (I've always felt this baby is a boy, just as I knew Lily was a girl from the beginning) at the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I went there last year on Mother's Day (so special!) and it really is such a sacred place. I am also going to get a brick in the garden dedicated to stillborn and miscarried babies for my daughter, Lily Katherine. It's the only place on earth that is in honor of both my babies at once! 

I am greatly inspired to get a memory box together for my baby (something I've wanted to do for a long time as well, but feel it is time now). My first child who matters deeply to me and to God. My first child who I will openly grieve the loss of. My first child who deserves a name and will receive one. My first child, who I just found out today was due on October 1st, 2009 (what a gift in knowing)... My first child, who should be over two years old today. Today, I am so thankful to have this gift, this ultrasound photo...evidence of my first child's life...

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Christmas without her...

It's Christmas 2011...I sit here thinking of all that could have been if she were here. I remember how I felt when I wrote her a letter, asking what things would be like when all her firsts came

...Your first Christmas and how your eyes would light up with all the beautiful lights and decorations...

My, how time has passed. This would already be her second Christmas. She would nearly be two years old...

All these things I wonder...

What might she have wanted for Christmas? Would she have liked listening to Christmas carols? Would her whole face smile when I sang them to her and would she clap her little hands along? Would she have been chatting away excitedly and we barely understanding what she's saying but we're happy that she's happy? 

Would she be a little rascal, getting into the decorations? Would she have loved her uncles and squealed with delight when she saw them, jumping up on their laps for cuddles and hugs? What outfit would we have chosen for her Christmas pictures? What would she call everyone? How would her giggle sound? 

This time of year is especially hard without her here. This time of year that is my favorite time of year...a time which revolves around family and cherishing those closest to you. And I am here in Virginia, with only a cemetery to visit. No little girl to hold in my arms and hang Christmas decorations with. No little girl to read about Jesus and how He came to earth to save us all. But, oh what joy is found in knowing she's with the One who this is all about...

Christmas in Heaven

by Wanda White

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES

around the world below with tiny lights like

HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear

for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS

that people hold so dear

but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare

with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring

for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME,

I see the pain inside your heart

for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR

or the PEACE here in this place

Can you just imagine

CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT

as I tell him of your love

so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER

 as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL

and let your SPIRIT SING

for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

and I’m walking WITH THE KING

I found this in my pregnancy journal...

Christmas Day 2009

There is something so special about this day every year. For the rest of my life, I will have Lily with me at Christmas. Wow...that's crazy to think about. 

Somehow the excitement I felt as a child at Christmas seems to be coming back. Except it's going to be even better. Because now I'm going to be excited for my own child. I think about how much life has changed since last Christmas, how fast the time has passed, and how much I've changed. Next year, life will be even more different. My baby will be here. I am thrilled for her first Christmas. Even though she'll be so young, I'm still going to make it very special and memorable. I'm going to make a beautiful stocking that she can use all through the years, like the purple stocking my Bumma made me. I'm going to wrap her gifts and try to help her tiny, precious hands unwrap them. I want to take lots of pictures and videos all through the year to document Lily's life.

I want to make a Christmas ornament for Lily every year. I actually just got a really good idea...I can make one for this year, since it's technically her first year, alive inside me. I can make it with her ultrasound picture and something that says "It's a Girl!" Then next year, I can make one with her tiny pink footprints. How precious that will be! We actually already have two ornaments this year for Lily. On the day I first got an ultrasound (September 21st) I got a little snow globe ornament from J.C. Penny. It says "Lily" on it. Also, last week at Michael's, we got a really cute purple baby carriage ornament. It was on sale and just way to adorable to pass up.

Anyways, I'm sitting here on the green chair in the living room. The only light is from a dim lamp in the kitchen and the lovely white lights on our perfectly proportioned tree. I'm listening to a beautiful Christmas song. I want Lily to know how to play an instrument from a young age. I want her to acquire a love for playing, a love for music.

I wonder what the Christmases in years to come will hold with my little girl...

Ahh, if only I had known this would be her only Christmas with me. I do plan on continuing to get an ornament for Lily each year. My friend Tracey gave me one last year and this year in honor of Lily. That means so much to me...

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She was there through it all

"Surely the Lord purposes precious friendships as quiet whispers of encouragement along the paths we walk." -my dear friend, Kala

I've talked quite a bit on this blog of mine about a special friend. She was the first person that ever knew about my Lily girl. Once I chose LIFE, I was suddenly facing the choice between adoption and parenting. I knew that either choice would be hard to make...either choice would bring discomfort and pain. I pored over videos, songs, and stories about adoption. There were many tears shed over the thought of it. I just wanted what God wanted. I wanted His will. For so long, I had done what I wanted to do. People constantly told me their opinions, but I had to do what God led me to do...what I knew in my heart He wanted...no matter how afraid I was.

During the time I was considering adoption, a beautiful friendship was forged, with a young woman not much younger than myself. Her name is Bex and she is one of the bravest, strongest people I know. When she was eighteen, she went through an unexpected pregnancy and chose LIFE for her baby boy, Kip. She ended up choosing adoption. I knew about her story because Eric and Leslie Ludy (who started Ellerslie) adopted her little boy. I felt the gentle tug of my Jesus, asking me to trust Him. He assured me that He gave her the strength to get through it and He'd give me the strength as well. 

I contacted Bex, in search of support and encouragement, before I had the courage to tell anyone else I was pregnant. I wrote her, pouring my heart out to her and telling her my story. She wrote back with such compassion. She knew what I was going through...and that's what I needed at that point in time. Someone who "got it." Someone who had walked the very road I was walking now. She shared her story with me and prayed for me. She encouraged me. God knew what He was doing when He brought her into my life.

Not only was Bex the first person that knew about Lily and a part of what God used to give me strength and courage, but she was there for support the entire pregnancy. She was there when I lost Lily. She's been there the whole time. I cannot fully put to words how precious her friendship is to me and what type of bond we have. We've walked similar paths and have both, in a sense had to let go of our babies.

We've had this beautiful friendship for close to two and a half years and just this October when I went out to Ellerslie, I got to meet Bex for the first time in person. Right away, we felt so comfortable with each other and we just clicked. Of course we love each other and always will, but it was wonderful that our personalities fit together so well in person! 

We had precious times together in Colorado the last couple months, sharing tears over pregnancy memories, discussing what it was like the days after saying goodbye to our little ones, blog entries, songs that are special to us, letters from Kip's entrustment ceremony, and many laughs. Bex also invited me to Kip's 3rd birthday party with her. It was very special to finally meet this little guy. This precious little boy that has no idea how his life has affected me. How his life affected my girl. It is so beautiful to see the ripple affects of a life and how God continues to use Kip's in so many ways...

Bex, Kip, and I at his 3rd birthday party..silly fella, we couldn't get him to do a normal face

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Both Sides of the Story

I see so many reasons why God took me to Ellerslie in the fall semester of 2011. As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the reasons was meeting Sierra. Another of the reasons was to meet my roommate, Bonnie. It has been so amazing to see God's fingerprints all over our friendship. It was God and no man that put us together as roommates. He knew both of our stories and wanted us to meet and have this special season together. It is breathtakingly beautiful to see Him in her.

This is Bonnie's story...

Her birthmother attempted to abort her, but God had His hand on her life and she survived. When she was born, she weighed less than three pounds and because of the attempted abortion, she now has cerebral palsy. One day, her mom was looking through the adoption magazine, WACAP, and saw a picture of a little girl with big brown eyes. After showing it to her dad, they both knew that little girl would one day become their daughter. That little girl was Bonnie. When she was two and a half years old, her dad flew to Bangkok, Thailand to bring Bonnie home to Alaska to live with her forever family. She is now twenty-two years old and living and thriving. The enemy meant to destroy her completely, but God had His hand of protection over her and now she is to be a voice for all unborn life! I count it a great honor and joy to be friends with her. There are not many abortion survivors in the world and it is amazing that Bonnie is the actual face of what we're fighting for! These are individual, beautiful, precious lives...not tissue. Not a choice.

As the semester at Ellerslie went by, the Lord began opening our eyes and showing us why He put us together as roommates. Together, Bonnie and I represent both sides of the story...both sides of abortion. She is the face of the unborn. I am the face of the women in unplanned pregnancies, the women who have had an abortion. Though our stories both have pain and sorrow in them, they both speak to the world the redemption and healing that Jesus Christ brings, to any and all situations! It shows His heart for both sides...He loves the mothers and babies and has a plan for both. He desires to heal, redeem, transform. No matter how one is affected, He is greater!

I am so humbled to have been witness to the work God has been doing in Bonnie. He's been taking her through the process of forgiving her birthmother, God's way rather than man's way. She prays that one day she might get the opportunity to share the love and forgiveness of Christ with her. What a testimony she has! Bonnie has in a way given a face to my unborn child that went to Heaven at 6 weeks. I feel I know the forgiveness of my unborn first child and one day we will reunite in Heaven and what a glorious day it will be! Bonnie says that she now understands more the perspective of a woman in a crisis pregnancy and it has opened her eyes to what her birthmother may have gone through.

Our other roommate, Faith, wondered for several weeks why God also put her in our room. The last week at Ellerslie, she said she was interested in getting involved at a pregnancy center. She said she now knows that God wanted her with us because now she can share with people in a crisis pregnancy, as well as other friends what God did in mine and Bonnie's life and how He desires to rescue, heal, redeem.

Bonnie and I so enjoyed our time getting to know each other, sharing tears and many precious words. It was a time of healing...a time of being built strong. God has given us both the heart of a warrior to fight for unborn life and show how each life is so precious to Him! It is not us who decides the value and purpose of a life, but God alone.

I was a photographer and writer for our student run Ellerslie Post. For each issue, I interviewed an Ellerslie guy and girl student, asking them different questions about their lives, their journey to Ellerslie, and what God had been doing in them during their time there. That part of The Post was called God Stories. Bonnie was one of the ladies I chose to interview and it was such a blessing to share her story with the entire campus and all the people at The Church at Ellerslie. It will also be posted online on the Ellerslie student website for anyone to read. :)

Bonnie and I have a couple of favorite songs that we liked to listen to together on repeat, whether Faith liked it or not ;) The songs were "Little One," by Rebecca St. James and "Beauty Will Rise," by Steven Curtis Chapman. Saying goodbye to Bonnie was so hard and I already miss her so much, yet I am so thankful I got to meet her and I'm thankful that I've made a forever friend in her. I so look forward to seeing what God does with her life! Bonnie gave me a card after graduation that brought me to tears. On the outside it said, "Only God can make beauty out of ashes." Then, I opened the card and "Beauty Will Rise" started playing! How special and thoughtful! She signed the card, The Opposite Side of the Story.

I'll end with a verse that Bonnie and I say is our shared verse... :)

"For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." -Psalms 139:13-14


What Bonnie had to say about it when I interviewed her for The Ellerslie Post:
"This verse has meant so much to me throughout my life because it shows me that though I may have been unwanted by my birthmother, I am valuable to God and He says I am wonderfully made! What the enemy meant for destruction, the Lord has turned into a beautiful story of forgiveness and LIFE!"

Once again...I am left speechless and totally in awe at what my great God has done...all glory, honor, and praise to Him alone.

Bonnie and I on Thanksgiving Day :)

Bonnie, Faith, Hannah Rose (the three roomies) on banquet night

I'm really excited about this movie coming out in March (maybe Lily's birthday, I'm hoping) about an abortion survivor. You should go see it!

Very powerful personal testimony from one of the actresses in "October Baby."

Bonnie's story reminds me so much of Gianna Jessen's, who is also an abortion survivor and has cerebral palsy. Watch this powerful, soul-stirring speech Gianna gave. 

PART ONE

PART TWO

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Little Miss Sierra

As of Tuesday, I am back home after two amazing months in Colorado at Ellerslie Leadership Training. Read about my experiences there by clicking here. I will be blogging much more now that I am home. One of the students at Ellerslie during my semester was a single 27 year-old named Kathy. She is such an inspiration to me, just to see the love of Christ practically lived out in her life. She is fostering a little girl named Sierra whose mom is 38, has been in and out of prison since she was 17 and has five daughters, none of which has she raised. Sierra is three years old and shares a birthday with me!! Sierra was a part of our class and we saw her each day. She certainly brought a bright spot to each of our lives.

God has used this precious little girl's life to bring deeper healing to me. One of my really good friends at Ellerslie said she watched me interact with Sierra and that I have a motherly nature and instinct and how beautiful it is. One night when Sierra was in my lap, my friend looked back at us and said if she didn't know any better, she would have thought we were mother and daughter. It was healing to hold a little girl, knowing I should have a little girl right now. Then the thought hit me, "I lost my little girl and this little girl lost her mama in prison." It was almost like instinctively she knew I was a mother and felt comfortable resting in my arms as she did. Later in the evening, she came back to my dorm room (she's always asking about it) and pointed at the picture of Lily and I on my desk, saying "Baby." Then I said, "this is my little girl, Lily Katherine." And she said her name back to me..."Liwy Kafewine." :)

I was so honored and blessed to do a photo shoot with Sierra, to make a photo book to send to her mom! It's amazing that this passion for photography was birthed because of Lily's life and how God continues to develop it and uses it to bless others.

I love this sweet little girl and I love my little girl in Heaven. I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been for me to share Lily with others at Ellerslie and have them respond well, wanting to know more about her, being sensitive, and loving her with me. I'm so proud to be her mommy and proud to bring her legacy to people from around the world. I can only imagine what God has next for her sweet legacy...

Each of us students had a notebook where we could write each other memories, encouragement, and what we meant to each other, as a memorial to our semester. Well, this is the letter I wrote to Sierra...

December 10th, 2011

Little Miss Sierra,

By the time you’re old enough to read this, I wonder if you’ll even remember me. Well, there’s something I want you to know, little girl. Our great God has used you in a mighty way in my life. One day, I’d like to share with you my whole story. But you don’t need to know all the details to know what I’m about to tell you. My precious daughter, Lily Katherine was born on March 16th, 2010. Before she entered this world though, she had already gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. The hardest thing I’ll ever go through I think was losing her. But my victorious Jesus has turned a story of sorrow and sin into a story of redemption…healing…beauty. I see that He brought me to Ellerslie in the fall of 2011 for many reasons. One of the reasons was to meet you. In the past two months, God has used your precious life to bring me to a much greater place of healing.

After losing Lily, it was hard to see little girls and I certainly didn’t feel like I could hold them. It cut like a knife in my heart to over and over again be reminded of what I was missing out on with my daughter.

You’re one of the first little girls I’ve held since her. And God has shown me I can do this. He will continue giving me the strength.

I have so loved spending time with you-playing tag, crawling around on the floor like animals, coloring, talking, seeing your beautiful face radiate such joy and life, making funny faces with you and Faith (we called it the double chin and you just thought it was hilarious), hearing you say my name, taking your pictures, and just being around you.

One particular time I will forever cherish was when we were watching a movie in the chapel and you asked to come sit on my lap. You rested your head on my shoulder and were perfectly still as I rocked you. It felt so natural and I knew it was a gift from God to be holding a precious little girl in my arms when my own little girl couldn’t be.

God has mighty and amazing plans for your life, little one. Before we know it, you will be a grown woman. I pray the Lord richly blesses you in your life. I pray you let Him write your story.

One day I hope we can meet again and I can give you a big hug and tell you how the Lord blessed me in knowing you, even when you had no idea. 

I love you so much, SiSi. Thanks for the hugs, kisses, giggles, memories, and healing. I’ll miss you (so much!) and even if you forget me, I will never forget you.

Love Always,
Hannah Rose (Hannah Wose)

P.S. I showed you Lily’s picture. You said “baby” and then you said her name so cute. I can’t wait for you to meet her in Heaven! :)

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