My 23rd Birthday!

Today is my 23rd Birthday. My third one without Lily here to celebrate with me. But, I celebrate while holding her close in my heart. Memories of birthdays past wash over me. Dreams of birthdays to come dance in my head. Birthdays hoped for with baby giggles and hugs and kisses and love showered over me.

My best friend growing up lost her husband unexpectedly on Friday morning, August 10. I am reminded afresh of the fragility of life and just how precious each moment is...may we never take a second for granted! May we live today the legacy we want to leave.

I am just so thankful to be alive. Thankful for this beautiful LIFE God has given me. Though saddened that Lily didn't live long enough to see even her actual birthday. Why do I get to celebrate so many and she didn't get to see just one? Why do some live to 100 and she not live past the womb?

Rejoicing today for LIFE and the gift of being alive and thankful...so very thankful...for the greatest gift I ever received. The blessing of being Lily Katherine's mother. Because of her life, I am fully alive. I see how precious this day, every day is.

Thank you, Jesus, for these 23 years. I don't know how many more birthdays I will get to celebrate here on earth, but I pray that You accomplish all your purposes in and through my life in that time.

The love of sweet Lily and Jesus shower down on me from Heaven today.

Thank You for LIFE...

I had a very special day celebrating. My mom made me a delicious birthday brunch, we watched the Olympics, I went to the Raleigh rose garden and got refreshing smoothies with my mom and sister, and now we are having pizza and watching the Closing Ceremony of the Olympics. The weather was nice out today, especially for mid-August in North Carolina. :)

I am looking forward to 23! It's funny...I asked random people this week how old they thought I was turning and I got 19, 29, and 33! Jeez, do I really look that old? Haha! I really do feel old though, which I know sounds silly. A friend posted something on facebook today that I really liked. She said may this milestone be another stone of remembrance of how far God has brought me. Amen to that. My life keeps marching on...though Lily's barely ever began...I can only hope to impact people a small fraction of how she impacted impacts.

"I daresay old maids are very comfortable when they get used to it." 

~Jo, from CYT's Little Women ;)

Farewell, 22. From now on, whenever I think of 22, I will be reminded of the beautiful season I spent at Ellerslie. I am looking forward to this next step forward in my adventure with Jesus! Only He knows what my future will hold. Each year of my life has been so different from the year before. Praying that this year will be full to overflowing with His love and light and that His plan for my life will unfold even more. :)

Today I am also honoring Sierra on her 4th birthday, Liliana's due date, Cassie's 12th birthday in Heaven, and a couple other friend's birthdays.

Thank you to all my amazing friends and family for all the love today!

Embracing 23!!

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The mention of Lily's name

A lot of the time, people think it will upset me if they bring up Lily's name. I want to make it clear that I love to hear her name and love when people talk about her.

I was with a friend recently and mentioned that I wanted to take her to visit Lily's special spot. She said that she had wanted to go for a long time, but didn't want to mention it because she was afraid she would upset me. She said she was waiting until I was ready to bring it up. I am always ready to hear Lily's name and speak her name. It means so much to me to know that others are thinking of her too and remembering her precious LIFE with me.

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, 

But it never fails to bring music to my ears. 

If you are really my friend, 

let me hear the music of her name! 

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul! 

~Author Unknown~

I read somewhere that a grieving mother said something along the lines of if you ask me a question about my child and it makes me cry, that just means it was a good question. The fact is, this is my life. Missing Lily is my reality. But so is loving her...my heart is full of joy because God chose me to be her mommy. The mommy of a set-apart Princess of Heaven, betrothed to the King before her birth.

I just want everyone to know that I love talking about my daughter and it makes my heart smile when you bring her up, when you remember her birthday, when you just drop a quick message to let me know she was on your heart because you saw a lily blooming outside or something else that reminded you of her. Just because you're not bringing her up doesn't mean I'm not constantly thinking about her. No matter how much time passes, I will never forget her and I will love her forever. You not bringing her up will not help me "get over it." I will never get over loving her! Sometimes I don't bring Lily's name up in conversation because I know it upsets others, which is honestly quite ridiculous. I have mentioned Lily and had to comfort people because they were so upset. Please don't hesitate to ask about Lily, talk about her, or even ask how I am doing.

Much love and hugs,

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Seek First His Kingdom

A family friend sent me this beautiful photo that a young woman designed. She lost her little brother.

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STILL Project

"STILL is a documentary film committed to breaking the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. Woven together using first hand accounts of families who have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS and other causes, STILL will take an inside look at the devastating isolation and the steadfast resilience that results when a baby dies."

Visit the STILL page on indiegogo to show your financial support for this film! Also, be sure to like the facebook page and pass this information along. Blessings!

Here is a little preview of what the film is about and who is behind it:

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First Lily of the Season

A blog friend commented on my blog one morning and that day when the sun came up, the first lily of the season was blooming! :)

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When You Lose a Baby

I found this beautiful piece on Still Standing Magazine, written by Franchesca Cox.

When you lose a baby...
You don’t know what to expect.
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.
You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.
You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.
It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.
You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.
You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.
You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.
You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.
You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.
Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.
You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.
You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.
You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.
Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.
People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.
You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.
There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.
You lose friends. You find new ones.
You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.
You would do anything for another minute with your child.
You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.
You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
You want to know what went wrong, and why…
You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.
You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.
You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.
You learn to live with the pain.
You are better for having known them at all.

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I'll Be Seeing You

There have been so many things lately that have been reminding me of Lily...

I have been considering getting a nanny job for quite some time. I figured I'd go for it, using care.com (I've heard lots of great things about this website). I put my profile up, contacted a few families, and just prayed and waited.

A lady contacted me first on there, saying she wanted to interview me. I went to their house yesterday and met her sweet little boy. She said he was 2 years old. My girl would have been 2. So, naturally I wanted to know when his birthday is. I asked her and she said, "In March." I said, "Oh...really. What day in March?" "The 16th." ... Yep, the little boy that this lady wants me to nanny was born on the EXACT SAME DAY as my Lily girl. Out of all the families and nannies in Raleigh, what are the odds of that? Crazy stuff. I nearly fell over. I didn't say anything about it, because I didn't want to freak her out. If I accept the job, I plan on one day telling her about my special connection to that day. After she gets to know me and realizes I am a normal, happy person and not some unstable, baby-snatcher or something. "J" almost didn't make it because he was born three months early and had all sorts of health issues.

It was very strange to see someone that would be literally the exact age as my daughter. It helped that it was a boy, rather than a girl. But, it was still so surreal, especially since Lily will always be a baby in my heart and mind.

Another interview that I had, the lady turned out to be a counselor specializing in neonatal loss because she had experienced a loss like that herself. It ended up not working out because she didn't think she would be able to separate herself from my story and not give me advice (as the counselor in her coming out). And that wouldn't be good in a nonclinical setting. I trust God has it all in His hands and I will work for the family(s) that I'm supposed to.

Butterflies are really significant and symbolic to me. People are always giving me things with butterflies on them, even those that don't know why or how much I like them. I didn't used to especially like them until the last couple years. I noticed recently that a picture I chose for my bank security four years ago is a butterfly.

My moms new debit card has significant pin numbers (obviously I'm not going to say what they are lol) that remind us of Lily. She didn't even choose the numbers herself.

I really enjoy watching the Olympics and have been with my family every evening since they started last Friday. It's just another reminder of Lily. Last time the Olympics were on, I was eight months pregnant and watching them on the couch for hours upon hours with my family. Those were the winter Olympics and the summer Olympics are on now, but it still reminds me so much of my girl.

Another thing that is so interesting...Lily was due on March 14 (some calculations said March 15) and born on March 16. Well, a friend of mine had her daughter this year in February, but she was due on March 15! And another friend is now pregnant with her baby due on March 15 next year. Out of all days to be due...seriously? It honestly made me upset to hear about these due dates at first. Like these babies are stealing Lily's dates. Like I am going to have to relive all my pregnancy memories.

Yes, it's tough to deal with these things that seem to just find me. But, instead of being upset and sad about them, I choose to see them as little winks from Heaven. A reminder that Lily is never forgotten. That she is on my heart and I am on the heart of Heaven. A reminder of my future there.

I see Lily everywhere. In everything. All the memories of my pregnancy and time with her, all the dreams I had for her life, all the crazy similarities I come across every day. I miss you, sweet girl. But, I am so happy to carry you with me all my days and see you so much. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...

I'll Be Seeing You

I'll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through

In that small cafe,

The park across the way

The children's carousel,

The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I'll be seeing you

In every lovely summer's day

In everything that's light and gay

I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the mornin' sun

And when the night is new

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you.

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