Difficult Moment at BLS Training

A hard moment happened today. I got certified in BLS (Basic Life Support) today. I wanted to know these things for nannying, as well as for my own life. I pray that nothing bad ever happens where I have to use the skills I learned, but I want the confidence and peace that comes in knowing how, just in case.

A friend of mine warned me beforehand that there would be baby manikins involved in the training. That was definitely hard to see those babies and then to have to practice CPR on them. It was especially hard to practice what to do when a baby is choking.

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Those Bittersweet Moments

There are so many moments in my life that are bittersweet. My days are filled with happy moments tinged with sadness. As time keeps moving, I am finding that instead of being consumed by the sadness like I once was, I can acknowledge it and then concentrate on the happiness.

These are some of those bittersweet moments that remind me I am a mother...

Last week, I went shopping for a little girl named Sierra, who is my friend's foster daughter. I met them both last year when I was at Ellerslie. Right away, Sierra and I developed quite a special connection. We also just so happen to share a birthday, August 12th. She just turned 4 and I turned 23. :) As I walked around the store with the big red bullseye looking for the perfect birthday gift for her, I was smiling on the inside and outside! It felt so good to shop for a little girl. It was fun and felt so natural. If Lily were here, I would be shopping for a little girl all the time. My heart knows that. For a split second, I felt the sadness creep up on me, but it was mostly just a sweet experience. I wished that I always had the happiness of shopping for a little girl, no matter what stage of life she would be in. As I picked out the Hello Kitty shirt and sparkly pink and green headbands, I wondered if Lily would like Hello Kitty now? Or Dora? Or maybe princesses? In this moment, I felt a connection to my own little girl. Instead of dwelling on the sadness, I experienced it in that moment, but then chose to feel the joy instead.

I mentioned before that I was possibly going to nanny for a little boy who was born on the exact same day as my girl! Well, I accepted the job! I just felt a real peace about it. My nickname for him is "the little fella." :) A few days ago, we were watching Nick Jr. together when one of the little creatures names was Lily. The characters kept saying it over and over. A little wink from above...

I also found out that same little guy born March 16, 2010 has a dad who shares my birthday! I told him my birthday was coming up that week and he asked when. When I told him the date, he said, "That's mine too!" If only he knew how small of a world it really is...

I was drawn into a medical show a couple nights ago. The doctors discovered that a baby boy in the womb had a heart condition. He would need open-heart surgery soon after birth, to have any hope of survival. While she was still pregnant, with tears in her eyes, his mother said, "He may not be out in this world breathing, but his heart is beating. I feel him kicking...I love him." Yes. I understand, mama. That's why the bitterness hurts so badly. Because Lily was a real, living, beautiful baby girl. That precious little boy had a successful surgery and he lived, going home healthy with his parents. They even had to put his heart in a different position in his body! The doctors said he would live a normal life and could play football or whatever else he wanted to do. Look what modern medicine can do to save lives...why could no doctor, treatment, medicine, or surgery save my daughter?...I choose not to dwell on those thoughts. I choose to be joyful in the sweet truth that Lily was here at all.

I remember the first week after losing Lily, my mom and I were just driving around with no where particular to go. I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to escape. My own skin, my reality, my life. That was when the taste was only bitterness. Now there is much sweetness in there too...I'm learning to accept and embrace what motherhood is to me...what it will always be to me, no matter how many more babies I have in the future.

I am a mother.

I have all the hopes and dreams of a mother.

I have known the soaring excitement of a baby's first kick 
and I have known grief deeper than any ocean's depth.

There is a beautiful soul in heaven whom I carried and cherished here on earth.

I have known a love so strong and deep that only death itself 
could keep me so far from my beloved now.

With all my heart and soul, I have protected, cherished, 
hoped and loved beyond anything I've ever known. 
This is what a mother knows.

I am a mother.

~Unknown~

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Connected by Losses Decades Apart

A Wellness Center opened up this summer very close to my house. Last week, I was sitting in the hot-tub with a couple of older ladies (in their 80s). They start talking about how blessed they are to have healthy children. One of them turns to me and asks if I have any children. I said no. I just didn't want to go there with them. I have realized that I don't need to tell very person I meet about Lily, like I used to feel. And I have learned that I don't need to feel guilty if I don't mention her. It's not that I love her any less... it just makes things a little less...complicated or...awkward, I guess you could say.

Anyways, the lady wouldn't let it go and asked me again if I want to have a baby. I responded and told them actually I had a daughter who was stillborn in 2010. She asked me Lily's name and I told her. The other little lady chimes in and looks me in the eye, with tears in hers, and says she had a stillborn son almost 60 years ago. He was also her first. She told me a little of her story and how he was 13 pounds at birth and they should have done a c-section because she was too tiny and he was too big to have a healthy and safe delivery. She was over-due and there were complications. She never got to hold him. The first thing she remembers is waking up and her husband was feeding her oatmeal. She asked him, "He didn't make it, did he?" Her husband just shook his head no.

Her baby boy's name is Charles Walter and he will forever be loved and missed by his mama, who went on to have three more healthy babies after him. She said people were really kind and thoughtful and brought lots of flowers after he passed away. I am so sorry for this lady that never got to hold and meet her baby. She never had the closure of saying goodbye to him. I am sure that is so difficult. Thankfully, the nurses took a couple photos of him, so at least she has those. A lot of women who lost babies decades ago didn't even have that. Babyloss was a hush-hush thing back then. It was nice chatting with her and getting her perspective, especially on a loss that was that many decades ago. It got me thinking that I can't imagine that many years on Earth without my Lily. In a way, it makes me ache, knowing I could live that many more years without her. But, I know it is merely a blink of an eye in light of Eternity. I will be here until God calls me Home.

I guess I never know how many people I run into that have stories similar to my own. Just another reminder that you really don't know what someone has been through and I shouldn't assume that every pregnant woman is blissfully pregnant, naive to what could potentially happen. Maybe that's her much-loved, much-longed-for rainbow baby. 

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A Special Gift for a Special Week

Over the weekend, a special gift came in the mail from my dear, sweet Ellerslie sister, Laura! It was a cherry on top of a special week (wrapping up my birthday and spiritual birthday week). This is what Laura wrote me:

"Well, the Lord's timing is perfect! When I emailed you for your address to send this out, I had no idea that this simple gift to remember Lily and the time of year you found out you were pregnant with her would turn into that, as well as a birthday and spiritual birthday present! Praise Jesus for the Spirit's leading in all things!

I hope this note and package finds you well, and loving our Savior more with each passing day. I know August must be both a beautiful and difficult month for you, so I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, sister, and your precious daughter. I thank God that you chose life for her, and for the legacy she left behind when she passed from this life to the next. I know that you have many things to remind you of her, so I thought you could have another to add to your collection. I hope it touches you as both of your lives have touched mine. Your courageous depth and sweetness has so inspired me as you walk with the Lord. Thank you for being the lovely example you are!

So, happy birthday, happy spiritual birthday, and happy "LIFE for Lily" day!"

I just love how she said "LIFE for Lily" day! I am definitely going to be using that expression from here on out. Below is a picture of the beautiful gift she sent me! It is a framed photograph of a gorgeous lily blossoming just as my Lily girl is blossoming in Heaven.

Laura is an absolutely amazing photographer and I am always admiring her work. :) She had no idea that the frame would go perfectly in my room and the color of the lily goes with the color scheme in my room.

There was also a beautiful quote with the lovely note:

"As a star that is lost when daylight is given,

She hath faded away to shine brightly in Heaven."

What a blessing this note and gift was and is to me. No matter how many things I have that remind me of my girl, I never get sick of them, especially when others remember her with me! It means more than people could ever realize.

Laura, thank you again for being so thoughtful and sweet! I love, love, love this beautiful gift! I have the perfect spot for it on my bamboo nightstand in my room. :)

Miss Laura and I at Ellerslie in December 2011 :)

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August 19th Day of Hope

"August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.   

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives." 

Today marks four years since Carly Marie founded Christian's Beach. Since that day, she has honored nearly 16,000 babies and children's names on the shore of Mullaloo Beach in Western Australia! (including Lily and Luke). She is a treasure to the babyloss community.  

We honor Christian and all babies in Heaven. 

♥ Lily Katherine ♥

Much love and hugs,

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He's Everything

In August 2009, I remember so clearly watching the Lifehouse Everything Skit. I was immediately captivated by it because I realized that girl was me. I was young and in love with Jesus, but then the world and the enemy came in and tried to rob me of His life within. I looked for satisfaction and fulfillment in many things outside of Christ, the only true source of LIFE. I was that broken, miserable, desperate soul. And I got to the point of being totally broken, realizing my weakness and that I could never return to the Lord in my own strength. I got sick of all the temporary highs of this world. I cried out desperately for my Mighty Rescuer, Jesus Christ, and He ran to my defense. He broke the chains that had held me down so long. Even though those things were making me miserable, I was helpless to change. I never got to the point of wanting to commit suicide, but I knew deeply in my core that my soul was dying.

I saw this skit during the time I was actually living through that spiritual battle. God used it to speak so much to my heart. He showed me His love for me. He showed me His power, His victory in all circumstances. No matter what is holding you down, He is stronger! But you must make that decision to turn from your sin. You must be willing to fight! Oh how He still adores us even when we break His heart by turning to other lovers. May we come to Him with a heart of repentance! 

I will let the skit tell you the story of my life. I still cannot watch it without tears, like that August three years ago. So many tears. It reminds me of the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15. I was a prodigal daughter. I was dead, but am ALIVE again! I was lost, but am found! ~Luke 15:32. Please take the time to watch this powerful video and let it minister to your heart. It truly is anointed. I read that a group performs it in nightclubs around the country and it has radically changed hearts and lives! Amazing!! What are the things that keep you back from Jesus? I pray that those chains will be broken. Our Lord Jesus is victorious always! 

Find me here, and speak to me 
I want to feel You, I need to hear You 
You are the light that's leading me to the place 
Where I find peace again 
You are the strength that keeps me walking 
You are the hope that keeps me trusting 
You are the life to my soul 
You are my purpose 
You're everything 
And how can I stand here with You 
And not be moved by You 
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this? 

You calm the storms and You give me rest 
You hold me in your hands 
You won't let me fall 
You steal my heart and You take my breath away 
Would You take me in, take me deeper now 
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You 
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this 
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You 
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this 

Cause You're all I want, You're all I need 
You're everything, everything 

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My Spiritual Birthday!

The Cross at Ellerslie

Today I celebrate LIFE in Christ! It's my spiritual birthday! :) And it just so happens to be three days after my "physical birthday."

I grew up in a Christian home and accepted Christ into my life at a young age, so I don't recall any specific date that I was saved. It was more like a gradual thing. But, three years ago, in August 2009, was when my entire world was changed. Jesus wrecked my life. He rescued me from darkness and brought me into His marvelous light. Because of that time in my life, August will always remind me of that. It will always be a sacred month, marked by the beauty found in His victory! He intervened in my life and saved the life of my baby. I am forever changed because of it.

I decided that having a spiritual birthday to celebrate is even more important than the day I was actually born. Since August is so special to me, I wanted to choose a date in August. I chose August 15th. That is the date that I had a scheduled abortion at Planned Parenthood in 2009. That is the day that I didn't go because God kept me from it. I chose a day that could have been a day full of heartbreak, sorrow, and tears. Instead, it is full of tears of another kind. Tears of thankfulness and joy. Tears of feeling and knowing I am completely unworthy of my Precious Lord, yet standing in awe over all He has done for us, His children. August 15th was the day that the enemy wanted to end my baby's life. But, instead it is now a day that I celebrate her LIFE! She lived and she will live forever in my heart. And because of her and all Jesus did in me through her, I have eternal LIFE. Oh, Jesus, You are so beautiful...my Victorious Warrior, my Rescuer!

Today on my spiritual birthday, I will rejoice over LIFE. I will rejoice that You gave Your very life for mine. That my daughter can live forever with You because of Your perfect sacrifice. I could never find the words to thank you, Lord...

When I heard the lyrics to this song for the first time, I was amazed at how perfectly they describe my journey from darkness to light. I couldn't believe where my life was, yet my Jesus broke through.

I came across my journal from the summer of 2009. I have journaled my entire life, but when I was living my selfish rebellious lifestyle, I couldn't write anymore. My writings are my prayers and I didn't feel close to God. I felt I couldn't face Him because I didn't want to face my sin. I was ashamed. The first journal entry I wrote in probably over a year was on August 6, 2009. As I read it now, my heart recalls the brokenness and deep sadness I felt. I realize now that God wanted me to write it so that I would always remember the dark place I was in. I would remember how I came face-to-face with my wretchedness, realized I was nothing and had no strength, and cried out to my Mighty Rescuer. All He was waiting for was for me to cry out to Him. And all He's waiting is for You to cry out to Him. Watch as He runs to Your defense and Your rescue! What a contrast to see where I was in the beginning of August 2009 and the journey God brought me through, ultimately resulting in Him winning the battle! Jesus, You are amazing! I want to share part of that journal entry to show you just how deep in the pit I was in. And I hope and pray that as you see me now, you will realize that "there is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." ~Corrie ten Boom

August 6, 2009

"How can one person feel so alone in a world with billions of people in it? With all the big cities? Yet, I feel like I'm the only one whose felt these feelings, these hurts, the only one whose has these thoughts. I just want Jesus. But, I feel so far from Him. Could I ever experience healing and forgiveness for the things I've done? The mistakes I've made? How could I have done these things? That trap me...slowly kill me. I feel all alone. No one knows my heart, my longings, my every sin. Except Jesus. I am utterly brokenhearted. I never knew I could feel like this. I'm trapped. I don't know how to break free. Lord, break me free. Make me whole again. Hold my heart. Hold me so close to You and never let me go! My soul is lost. The world got a hold of me. Yet, I feel You gently pulling me to You, with tears in Your eyes...Ready to hold me, cry with me, laugh with me, and make me new again. 

I never dreamed I could be hurt in the ways I have been. You are a beautiful God who is there for the weak and brokenhearted. This song by Bethany Dillon keeps running through my head: "The orphan clings to Your hand, singing the song of how he was found. The widow rejoices, for her oppressors are silenced now. The runaway falls at Your feet, You are what he has searched for. The rich man is broken, when he stands beneath a sky full of stars. And You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor. You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die...Still You sent Your Son for us...You are on our side!"

"You're all I want! You're all I need! You're EVERYTHING! And how could I stand here with You and not be moved by You?!" ~Lifehouse

God, I need You. From the depths of my soul, I cry out to You! Save me...from myself, from the enemy, from the world. I am broken. I am scared. You are literally all I have. Is that what You want me to feel? Do You want me to cling to You? You're my only hope and that's true. I can't keep living without You...it's eating my very soul.

There are so many things in my life I would have and should have done differently. And, Lord, I know You want to save us from our sins. To wash them away and make us white as snow. You give us a way out...Looking back on my life, You gave me a way out of my pain and misery before I even made the bad choices I did. I'm so sorry. I want You, all of You forever. Break the chains of anything not of You! And hold me in Your strong arms! Fulfill Your purposes in my life. Amen."

It was literally right after I wrote this that the Lord moved mightily in my heart and life! He is so faithful, so true. And He is whispering to your heart...come to Me. I am all you need...

Today is marked by a sacredness, a beauty that cannot be put into words. As I remember who I once was and who I am now in Christ. The tears keep coming today because I am full of joy unspeakable. I knew that I was helpless and could not break the chains of sin myself, but He is mighty and strong always!

This is the song I wrote the lyrics to in my journal. It played in my mind so much during that time as I realized the heart of mercy and love that the Father has for us! He is truly on our side, wants to rescue and redeem us, and strengthen us to carry our His purposes for our lives, for His glory! As I listen to it now, it gives me chills to remember how hard He fought for me, how He never left my side, He wooed me, romanced my heart, captivated me. This song will always be so special to me and remind me of August 2009.

Rejoicing in His abundant LIFE,

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