My thoughtful friend Faith tagged me in this photo on Facebook and wrote, "I thought of you when my friend gave me these... these flowers are beautiful, but I know your Lily is a million times as beautiful. Can't wait to meet her someday."
Friday, October 5, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Capture Your Grief-Day 4
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project
for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Day 4: Most Treasured Items
October 4, 2012 ♥
When it gets hard to believe my Lily Katherine was really even here, I open that memory chest that's just for her and I hold those tangible realities that say, yes, she is a real, important, special someone. I didn't imagine her. I smile at this proof. Though I need no proof. My heart changed is proof enough that she was real...
I have an entire beautiful cedar chest full of treasured, cherished, sacred keepsakes of my girl. It is filled with mementos and memories from the 40 glorious weeks I carried her in my womb. Things such as a pregnancy journal, baby shower items, etc.
I also have so many things I have gotten in honor of Lily, such as my Willow Tree collection, my Precious Moments "Mommy's Love Goes With You" figurine, among other things.
I LOVE all my Lily things, so it was really hard to narrow down. But, this picture shows my very favorites. Lily's hand and footprints with her stats, the hat she wore right after birth, the outfit and hat she wore in pictures and the matching blanket she was wrapped in, her foot impression, a leather baggy with a lock of her brunette hair, her birth certificate that I didn't even think I would be getting until a recent law change, a photo album with the ultrasound photos from the several ultrasounds I had, mine and her hospital bracelets, the lamb I got at Build-A-Bear with her recorded heartbeat in it, the 3D/4D ultrasound DVD from when I was 17w5d gestation when I found out conclusively she was a GIRL, the measuring tape she was measured with, her scrapbook with all her gorgeous photos, pregnancy photos, her obituary, dried flowers from her Celebration of LIFE Service, among other things. I also know that I will cherish her "Lily Bear" made by Molly Bears which should be arriving this week! It will be exactly 7lb9oz, just like my girl was! :)
If there were a fire or tornado, Lily's cedar chest would be the first thing I'd grab. A lifetime of memories has to fit into that little chest. And it's not enough...it'll never be enough. But, it's all I have to remember a little girl who was both Heaven sent and Heaven bound.
When the ache seems nearly more than I can bare, I get those tangible reminders out and smile as I remember the little girl who brought me back to Jesus.
-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Capture Your Grief-Day 3
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project
for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Day 3: After Loss Self-Portrait
October 3, 2012 ♥
Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait: Share a photo of you after your loss. Same as yesterday - if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done!
This photo was taken on a beautiful spring day-March 27th, 2010, the day of my Lily Katherine's service and burial. Under the open, clear, blue sky and surrounded by the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, family and friends gathered around sweet Lily to celebrate her precious LIFE! She was buried with her casket in her Moses basket, which was the first thing my mom and I got for her. I wore a black dress with a white wrap, to represent the sorrow dancing with joy. Though I am deeply saddened by Lily's death, I am rejoicing that I was given the gift of her and that I will be with her again for all eternity in the presence of the Lord. Her casket had roses and lilies on it, representing Hannah ROSE and LILY Katherine.
I think this photo speaks a thousand words of heartbreak and loss...a young 20-year-old mother sitting next to her daughter's casket on the day of her burial. While most young women my age hadn't even considered having children yet, I had lost one. In a span of a couple weeks, I felt like I aged a decade.
At first, I thought of blurring out the background, but realized that the people standing in the background symbolize something for me...despite how many people were supporting me, I still felt so alone as a mother who had to give her child back to Jesus before even meeting her.
In the midst of my loneliness and sorrow, Jesus never once left my side. He gave me great hope, strength, and peace that passes all understanding.
Corrie ten Boom had a conversation with her father as a young girl when fear had come into her heart as she thought of the possibility of him dying and she thought she couldn't live without him. Her father, Casper, then asks her, "Corrie, when we go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your train ticket?" "Why, just before we get on the train," she answered. "Exactly. And our wise Heavenly father knows when we're going to need things too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. He will give you the strength you need, just in time."
So many people have said to me they don't know how I've gotten through this and that they never could. It was never me, but my Jesus and I pray my story points all hearts to Him. I pray people will see that He gives us what we need the moment we need it, not a second before or too late. His "train ticket" of grace is there for us to face things we could never imagine facing before. It doesn't make things easy or take away the pain, but somehow it is sufficient to bear what would otherwise crush us. God's strength is there for us when we need it and is not overcome by our circumstances.
Because of Lily, I have learned some of the greatest life lessons. I am to depend upon and rely on the Lord's strength, trusting fully that He is sufficient for me...Both in the beginning of my grief journey and all through my life of living without my girl...
-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Capture Your Grief-Day 2
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project
for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Day 2: Before Loss Self-Portrait
October 2, 2012 ♥
Day 2. Before Loss Self-Portrait: Share a photo of you before your loss. You could share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done if you would prefer that!
This photo was taken at the end of November 2009, when I was 25 weeks pregnant with my precious Lily Katherine. I had no idea it would be one of the only cherished photos of happy times with my girl. My cousin was down for a visit and we randomly dec
ided to have a little photo-shoot of my belly. I am SO glad we did!
I wish so badly now that I had gotten professional maternity photos done farther along in my pregnancy. But, I am so very thankful for those that I do have.
Lily has taught me to treasure the sacredness of each moment and not put things off because you never know how much time you have. This is my favorite pregnancy photo because I am looking down in love at my belly. My hands were supposed to be making a heart, but it didn't quite work out.
I had about three and a half months left before having to say goodbye. I want to go back to that day and feel Lily move and just treasure the moment more fully, not wishing the pregnancy away. If I had known the end of the pregnancy meant the end of Lily's time on earth, I would have soaked it up so much more...
-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.
I wish so badly now that I had gotten professional maternity photos done farther along in my pregnancy. But, I am so very thankful for those that I do have.
Lily has taught me to treasure the sacredness of each moment and not put things off because you never know how much time you have. This is my favorite pregnancy photo because I am looking down in love at my belly. My hands were supposed to be making a heart, but it didn't quite work out.
I had about three and a half months left before having to say goodbye. I want to go back to that day and feel Lily move and just treasure the moment more fully, not wishing the pregnancy away. If I had known the end of the pregnancy meant the end of Lily's time on earth, I would have soaked it up so much more...
-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Capture Your Grief-Day 1
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project
for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Day 1: Sunrise
Raleigh, NC, USA
Raleigh, NC, USA
October 1, 2012 ♥
Day 1. Sunrise: I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning! When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise {just for fun!}
This photo was not taken today. It is the sunrise on March 16th, 2010...the day my precious Lily Katherine was born. I am thankful to have a photo from that sacred day...Today there isn't much of a sunrise. It is dark and gloomy outside, so I thought I'd share this instead.
This photo was not taken today. It is the sunrise on March 16th, 2010...the day my precious Lily Katherine was born. I am thankful to have a photo from that sacred day...Today there isn't much of a sunrise. It is dark and gloomy outside, so I thought I'd share this instead.
Capture Your Grief Photography Project 2012
The lovely CarlyMarie is hosting another beautiful project for October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF is a 31-day photography challenge for anyone who has lost a baby. All you need is the internet and a camera. It can be any type of camera and doesn't need to be fancy. You can participate on the days you want to, but are not obligated to take part in each day if you don't want to. You can share your photos on whatever social network you like. The facebook page for this event will be open for everyone to share their photos each day.
This is what Carly wrote:
"I have created 31 daily subjects. 1 for each day of the month. Some of the subjects may not entirely relate to you, or you may not feel comfortable with the subject so you are more than welcome to take a photo inspired by your own subject for that day. My subjects are simply a guideline. Below are the subjects with a few extra ideas to spark some inspiration in your heart.
If you only want to take part in a few of the days, that is great! If you want to do the full month – brilliant! The main thing is that this is a healing experience for you, and if we can all raise some awareness at the same time, that is a bonus! If you would rather keep your photos private, you are more than welcome to do that. So breathe this month in and make it just for you. A sweet idea would be to go and print all of your images at the end of the month and place them all into a special album for your memory box.
You can join in this project through your own blog or website, your favourite social media website like facebook or twitter or any photo sharing website like pinterest or instagram. This is an opportunity for you to document your grief and your healing for a month and to share it with the world through your own eyes. You can be as creative with your photographs as you please.
This project was created In Loving Memory of all the babies who died during pregnancy and the little ones that could only stay with their parents for the shortest of times. No parent should ever have to bury their child. We will speak about these precious lives. We will honour them. We will remember them."
For more information about this project and for more details on each subject, click here.
I am very excited about this photography challenge and will be sharing my photos on the event page and on my blog for each day of October!
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF is a 31-day photography challenge for anyone who has lost a baby. All you need is the internet and a camera. It can be any type of camera and doesn't need to be fancy. You can participate on the days you want to, but are not obligated to take part in each day if you don't want to. You can share your photos on whatever social network you like. The facebook page for this event will be open for everyone to share their photos each day.
This is what Carly wrote:
"I have created 31 daily subjects. 1 for each day of the month. Some of the subjects may not entirely relate to you, or you may not feel comfortable with the subject so you are more than welcome to take a photo inspired by your own subject for that day. My subjects are simply a guideline. Below are the subjects with a few extra ideas to spark some inspiration in your heart.
If you only want to take part in a few of the days, that is great! If you want to do the full month – brilliant! The main thing is that this is a healing experience for you, and if we can all raise some awareness at the same time, that is a bonus! If you would rather keep your photos private, you are more than welcome to do that. So breathe this month in and make it just for you. A sweet idea would be to go and print all of your images at the end of the month and place them all into a special album for your memory box.
You can join in this project through your own blog or website, your favourite social media website like facebook or twitter or any photo sharing website like pinterest or instagram. This is an opportunity for you to document your grief and your healing for a month and to share it with the world through your own eyes. You can be as creative with your photographs as you please.
This project was created In Loving Memory of all the babies who died during pregnancy and the little ones that could only stay with their parents for the shortest of times. No parent should ever have to bury their child. We will speak about these precious lives. We will honour them. We will remember them."
For more information about this project and for more details on each subject, click here.
I am very excited about this photography challenge and will be sharing my photos on the event page and on my blog for each day of October!
October 1st...His Day
It's October 1st...the due date of my first babe. My Luke Shiloh. Every year around this time, I think of him. I think of all that might have been had I chosen LIFE. I should have an autumn baby. I knew he would be due around this time, but always thought it was at the end of September. After getting his ultrasound photo last winter, this is the first year I know his exact due date. Today is a rainy, gloomy day, which seems to fit. Tears keep threatening to spill over at any given moment.
Instead of welcoming a new baby into the world on this day in 2009, I was carrying his little sister, Lily. I was eight days away from finding out for sure she was a girl. I chose LIFE for her because I didn't for him. Yet, he was such a part of the story. He was such a part of how God moved in my heart and will forever be a huge piece of that. His life has and will continue to affect so many.
It's so complicated to think that if I had Luke, I wouldn't have had Lily. Yet, I am so glad I had Lily and love her so much. But, I love Luke too and if I had him, I never would have known about Lily. It's all confusing and complicated for my heart. But, God knew all along what was to come and has a place for both my babies. I have a special place for them both that could never be taken away or filled by another.
It's so complicated to think that if I had Luke, I wouldn't have had Lily. Yet, I am so glad I had Lily and love her so much. But, I love Luke too and if I had him, I never would have known about Lily. It's all confusing and complicated for my heart. But, God knew all along what was to come and has a place for both my babies. I have a special place for them both that could never be taken away or filled by another.
My cousin had his son in December 2009. Luke would have been born over two months before him. Luke should have been the first grandchild and great-grandchild. And truly, he was...even if others will never know it or acknowledge it. He was. He was the first grandson and great-grandson and Lily was the first granddaughter and great-granddaughter. What a great honor. I will always consider them the first even if they aren't here and others forget. My mother heart will not forget.
A blog friend of mine had and lost her precious little girl, C, on this day in 2009. October 1, 2009. Seeing that date on her blog stirred my heart. I wondered why and then I remembered...
What might this day have held?
What would my little boy be like today?
How would he already be turning 3?
What would he look like? What toys would he have wanted for his special day?
Instead of a special day set-apart, today on the outside looks like just another day.
I'm so sorry, Luke. I wish I had listened to the voice of the Lord, rather than my own selfishness. I wish today could have been so different. Heaven will be totally redemptive and I will hold you and know you.
Until then, I will always remember you on your Heaven Day (February 6) and your due date, today. Today is "Luke's Day." I will never stop being your voice. I pray other girls in situations like I was in will have ears to hear the truth and the courage to choose LIFE. I pray they never have to have anniversaries like I am living through today. That instead of a sad day of what ifs, that they will have only joy on the day they welcome their little one into the world and all the birthdays after that. I pray their babies will live to see birthdays. I pray they won't deal with the pain of due dates without their little ones.
Love always, mommy
Tonight, there is a special Remembrance Ceremony at the Christian-based support group, Glory Babies, here in North Carolina. I have been wanting to go for several months, but could never work it out with my previous job. They only meet the first Monday of every month. This month's meeting just so happens to fall on Luke's day. Because it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, there will be a candlelighting service, a balloon release, and a time for food and fellowship. I am looking forward to honoring Luke and his little sister tonight. It feels like it's just for him. :)
What a God-thing that I randomly stumbled upon this very powerful video on this date...the day that could have, should have been his birthday. A day of celebration and well wishes...Instead, nobody knows what this date means to me. Nobody knows of the little boy that was, yet wasn't. Forgive me, my son.
Happy Birthday, I love you, whoever you would have been.
From the Heavens to the womb to the Heavens again.
From the ending to the ending, never got to begin.
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