Cracker Barrel is my favorite restaurant and store. We have Lily's birthday lunch or dinner there each year. 😊🎈🍴

Day 30: My Promise to You

October 30, 2016 ♥

Day 30. My Promise to You: I made a promise to my son a few years ago to live my life to the fullest in honor of him. I have succeeded and failed at that promise many times but what matters most is that it has helped me to hold onto love when there is only darkness and to always try my best to make him proud of me. What promise would you like to make to your child?

I'm on a lifelong journey of learning what it means to be your mommy, which is challenging to do from Earth, my daughter of Heaven.

This I know: I promise to always be your voice and to honor you in any way I can for as long as I live.

Your heart beats with every beat of my own, and you will live on through me until I breathe my last breath. Even if all the world were to forget you, I promise I never will. I couldn't forget even in my old age because you are etched into the very fabric of my heart. So don't feel like you're missing out on all the fun. Because wherever I go, there you'll be too.

No matter how many children I may have in the future, you will forever remain my first-born babe. Please know that nobody could ever take your place. There's a special spot in my heart that will always be yours alone.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." -Robert Munsch

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 29

Day 29: Cherished Memory

October 29, 2016 ♥

I am doing my own prompt for today.

One of my most cherished memories with Lily is when I was 29 weeks pregnant. It was the Christmas season and Lily went on an adventure to Philly! We had a fun and memorable trip, walking around downtown, getting hot beverages at charming local coffee shops, exploring historic/touristy destinations, trying the famous Philly cheesesteak sub, and staying at the oldest hotel in the city. My mom and brothers went to an Eagle's football game. I kept having contractions and we joked that "Lily wanted to be born in Philly." My belly was getting a lot bigger, to the point of not being able to button up this coat all the way, as you can see in the photo. ;) That makes me giggle. Lily was growing big and strong! My girl had lots of adventures during her time on Earth with her adoring family.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Sunday, October 30, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 28

Day 28: Compassion

October 28, 2016 ♥

Day 28: Compassion

I am putting my own spin on today's topic. I want to share some practical ideas for showing compassion to mothers who have experienced the loss of their baby.

Acknowledge. That their baby was real and an irreplaceable part of their life and family.

Speak their name. It's a melody to the ears of a mother whose lost their child.

Ask questions. About the meaning behind their baby's name, details about their birth story, special pregnancy memories, etc.

Do something. Don't be one of those people who says "let me know if I can do anything," and then who goes on with your life pleased with yourself for saying it, but not actually do anything. Send flowers, a card, take a meal or groceries, toilet paper, milk, tissues, etc. Put together a little comfort box, like the one pictured. Pamper the mother with all things lavender and chamomile, which are both known to be soothing and calming.

Don't pressure. Don't try to force them to act how you want them to act or "recover" from this, as if they had the flu.

Just listen. Sometimes they don't need advice. They aren't looking for you to "fix things." They just need a listening ear, a warm hug, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to pray with.

Share resources. Send information to them with resources to help them realize they aren't alone, such as Still Standing Magazine.

Show sensitivity. With your words and actions. Before thrusting that pregnancy announcement or baby photos in their face, try to imagine how that might make them feel. Ask them if they want to see them.

Remember. After a short time, the flooding of phone calls and cards will stop. It's in these times that they will continue needing love and support. Keep reaching out. Remember their baby on their birthday/death day. Remember their baby on Christmas. Remember their baby on October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and light a candle for them. Tell them that you remember. Do something special for them, such as getting them a piece of jewelry in honor of their baby from somewhere such as My Forever Child, planting a tree in their baby's honor, mentioning their baby by name in the cards you send them, getting a Christmas ornament with their baby's name, among so many other possibilities. Get creative in how you can honor their motherhood and their baby's valuable life. The smallest of gestures can speak a thousand words that will never be forgotten.

***These ideas are from a post I wrote called "How Family and Friends Can Help When a Baby Dies."***

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Thursday, October 27, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 27

Day 27: Family is Forever

October 27, 2016 ♥

Day 27. Family is Forever: Your child is a part of your family forever. There will never come a day when you are no longer their parent. Until the end of time, you are family. Share about your family today. Who would be in your family portrait? Remember that family does not have to be blood relatives.

Family is forever.

Lily's unique spot in my family is irreplaceable and forever.
It's all her own.
She's my cherished first-born.
The first-born grandchild.
The first-born great-granddaughter.
A niece.
A great-niece.
A first and second cousin.

She shares a first name with her great-great-great-grandmother, Lily, and a middle name with Lily's daughter, Katherine.

It makes my heart smile that Lily is connected to my family through her name. She is just as real as anybody and deserves the most beautiful of names.

Some people live close to 100 years on Earth, while others never take a breath outside the womb, but that doesn't make one life more significant than another. That's what I feel God reminding me of as I've struggled with wondering why my relatives before me, Lily and Katherine, were blessed with many more years than my little Lily Katherine. What I keep coming back to is remembering that it is God alone who numbers our days (Psalm 139:16) and it's His business whether those days are numbered few or many. Our value is not found in that number. And what God can do through a life is not measured or defined by that number. He works outside of our lines, as I wrote about in a blog post before. Not only that, but His love for us is not measured in how many days He gives us on Earth. The fact that my girl has the same name as these women who lived on Earth for many decades is a reminder of how they are equal.

I am confident in and comforted by Lily's place in my family. There will never be another Lily Katherine Allen-Ball like her. We treasure the time we had with her here and will carry her with us always, seeking ways to honor her, remember her, and include her. ❤️

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 26

Day 26: #WhatHealsYou

October 26, 2016 ♥

Day 26. #WhatHealsYou: Turning the WHY into what heals you? has been one of my greatest healers. Whenever I found myself asking "why did this have to happen. Why me? Why him?" etc etc. I started asking myself what heals me? I revisited passions of mine and spent a little bit of time each day giving those passions my attention. Before too long, my life started becoming beautiful again. Share about what heals you and if you are not sure, have a think about what it is you are passionate about. What heals you is often hidden there.

Revelation 21:4 - my hope and ultimate healing.

Maranatha, which means "come, Lord Jesus."

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 25

Day 25: Finished Sentences

October 25, 2016 ♥

Day 25. Finished Sentences: Finish these 5 sentences...

I wish _______________________________.

I remember __________________________.

I could not believe _____________________.

If only _______________________________.

I am _________________________________.

I wish... I knew you at age 6. I wish I could have known you at every age up until the age you'd be now. I wish I had more than a select few photos to share over and over. I wish the world would recognize your value the way I do.

I remember... how wonderful it was to have you here and all the adventures you had during your short life. How simultaneously tragic and amazing it was to have you in my arms for the first time. How perfectly formed and beautifully real you were, with those dainty eyelashes, eyebrows, nails already growing out, and a face with features just like your mommy.

I could not believe... you slipped away for no apparent reason after a beautiful and healthy pregnancy. That at age 20, I was thrust into a world of baby caskets, headstones, and what it felt like to leave the hospital with empty arms after a full-term pregnancy and being denied a birth certificate for the 7 pound 9 ounce baby you birthed because she didn't take a breath.

If only... I had delivered you a few days before. If only I had known about the importance of kick counts. If only I had a husband and another *living* child. I know that "I have to surrender my "if only's" to Jesus," as Corrie ten Boom wrote. I trust He sees and understands. And He withholds nothing good and nothing needed from my life. He holds my "if only's" and He is always enough.

I am... always and forever Lily's mother, even if that's invisible to the world. ❤️

This photo was taken on the first PAIL Remembrance Day I recognized, in 2010.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 24

Sweet Lily, My Beautiful Girl

Day 24: Her Song

October 24, 2016 ♥

I am going to come up with my own prompt for today.

My amazingly sweet and thoughtful friend Heather Cofer surprised me on Lily's 4th birthday in March 2014 with a song just for Lily, one of the best gifts I've ever received and one I will treasure forever - the words, her voice, and the melody are hauntingly beautiful. Sometimes I still can't believe Lily has a song. I'll never tire of it, or of the fact that my friend did this for me, after the Lord prompting her to do so.

I'll never forget how just a short time before Heather sent me the song, I was on a friend's blog and saw someone wrote her daughter a song (she is also with Jesus) and I longed to have one for Lily. God knew that Heather was in the process of preparing this most sacred gift for me, and even led me to desire it, without the slightest clue I already had one "in the works!" He wanted to bless me with Lily being honored in this way. :)

When Heather sent me the song (along with this lovely lyrics page), she wrote: "It has been a very precious and very serious process for me, knowing that I need to accurately portray a story not my own in a way that is beautiful and clear. I tried to incorporate ways that you have used to describe Lily and your story, and since this is written from your perspective, trying to also capture the deep emotion, love, joy, and sorrow that is apart of it.... My desire was for you to have a song that was specifically for Lily, from the outflow of your heart."

It was wonderful hearing the song in person for the first time last August. It expressed parts of my heart I never knew could be expressed. It's a keepsake of Lily's life and legacy in itself and has been wonderful to have this to share at the end of a speaking engagement, as a way to wrap things up. I'd love it if Heather could play it live on day somewhere that I speak.

The words take my breath away and bring me to my knees in thanking the Lord for her life, as well as missing her beyond description.

Heather has somehow captured my mother heart in these words, Lily's life and legacy, and what it means to me to be her mommy. The song just fits Lily - it is so gentle and sweet, yet also has a bittersweet sound. It depicts the sacred dance of grief and joy. Heather is an amazing musician. I have thought her voice and piano playing is so beautiful for as long as I've known her. Her sweet voice matches this song perfectly. 💕

Here are Heather and I last year with her beautiful daughter who was due on the exact same day Lily was, 5 years apart.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 23

Day 23: Sounds, Seasons + Scents

October 23, 2016 ♥

Day 23. Sounds, Seasons + Scents: There are reminders of our children everywhere. We find them in songs, in scents, and different seasons. Share the things that bring you closer to your children. Feel free to share a song that reminds you of them.

Each season holds sounds, scents, and feelings that remind me of Lily for a different reason... thinking of her time on Earth or all her life would be holding with each new season and year.

Fall reminds me of my pregnancy, seeing her and hearing her heart for the first time, feeling her kick, and my love growing along with my belly.

Spring is a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before spring started.

In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming beautifully and the sun grew warmer on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on and the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended.

With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. Spring and Lily...they came together. I see the hand of my God in choosing for her to be born right before the genesis of spring. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming!

With spring comes new life and fresh hope. Even here on Earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world.

She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of spring...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16

Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and spring here on Earth, but He reminds me that spring is coming. Eternal spring.

Some family friends named the Kirchmans gave me a bleeding heart plant at Lily's celebration of life/memorial service in March 2010. I remember when they first gave it to me thinking that the little pink hearts were a powerful reflection of my bleeding mother heart. My heart that bleeds both love and sorrow. And how perfect that hearts remind me of her and my Valentine's baby shower.

We planted the bleeding heart in Lily's memorial garden and each spring around her birthday, it blooms. It is something I look forward to in the spring... the time of year when she came, but never came home. It is a connection to March 2010. A connection to Lily.

Last spring, it appeared that the plant wasn't going to revive. But then it did... This bleeding heart is a reminder that though things may sleep through the winter, they come back in the spring! The spring is such a glorious time of hope and resurrection.

I am so thankful the Lord brought this little plant back to life. And even though it appeared it was gone forever, it was just sleeping. Lily might appear to be gone forever, but she is just asleep to this world... but forever alive in Jesus.

I'll end with this poem that reminds me of my sweet girl and the love I carry for her through every season:

My Little One, My Dear One, My Love
By Edward Searl

My little one, my dear one, my love,
you will be with me forever:
in the thin sunlight and long shadows
of a clear winter's day;
in the dawn excitement of birds
sounding in early spring;
in the rustle of heavy-leafed trees
in a mid-summer's night;
in the rich aromas and bright colors
of a warm autumn day.
All that is excellent,
brushed by Life's
brightness and shadow,
will remind me of you,
My little one, my dear one, my love.
You will beat with my heart,
see through my eyes,
hear with my ears,
feel on my skin.
Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever,
My little one, my dear one, my love.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Sunday, October 23, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 22

Day 22: Pearls of Wisdom

October 22, 2016 ♥

Day 22. Pearls of Wisdom: Do you have any words of wisdom to share that you have found helpful? It could be from a writer, speaker, philosopher, maybe even a friend. Feel free to share quotes, poetry, song lyrics, or just ideas. I invite you to share a message of hope for all the newly bereaved parents and loved ones out there.

I want to share some words from a letter written by John Piper to a lady whose son was stillborn. These words are incredibly comforting to me and I pray whoever reads them who have also lost their baby will find comfort in them as well.

Please know that I know I don't know what it is like to give birth to a lifeless body. Only a small, sad band of mothers knows that. I say "lifeless body" because, as you made clear, your son is not lifeless. He simply skipped earth. For now. But in the new heavens and the new earth, he will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can give without any of its sorrows.
I do not know what age - what level of maturity and development - he will have in that day. I don't know what level of maturity and development I will have. Will the 25-year-old or the 35- or the 45- or the 55-year-old John Piper be the risen one? God knows what is optimal for the spiritual, glorified body. And so it will be for your son. But you will know him. God will see to that. And he you. And he will thank you for giving him life. He will thank you for enduring the loss that he might have the reward sooner.
God's crucial word on grieving well is 1 Thessalonians 4:13: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." Yours is a grieving with hope. Theirs is a grieving without hope. That is the key difference. There is no talk of not grieving. That would be like suggesting to a woman who just lost her arm that she not cry, because it would be put back on in the resurrection. It hurts! That's why we cry. It hurts.
And amputation is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is different than the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the severing, and then the relentless pain of the gone-ness. The countless might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike other pain.

You can read the entire letter here.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 21

Day 21: Relationships

October 21, 2016 ♥

Day 21. Relationships: How have your relationships changed? Did you lose any? Have you made new friendships?

Through having (and losing) Lily, the Lord has brought many amazing people into my life.

Some of the women I treasure, I met online. They are women of all different ages, with different stories, from across the world. It is incredible how the Lord weaves our stories and lives together. I haven't even met some of my dearest friends "in person," but when you relate on the deepest levels because of shared similar experiences, it's as if you've known that person always. When your hearts connect, it doesn't matter the number of miles between you.

The lovely ladies I've met in person/locally are also amazing. The photo on the bottom is from Lily's 6th birthday. I was out of town that day and couldn't be at my local loss support group meeting that happened to fall on her exact birthday. The ladies who did meet together had red-velvet cupcakes for Lily and took this sweet photo for me. Red-velvet as many of you know is a Lily tradition, started because of my Valentine's-themed baby shower. Isn't that so sweet?!

I'm also thankful for the people I know outside of the loss community, the family and friends who have stuck by me through the years, taking interest in being a part of the special events or occasions where Lily is honored. The photo on the top is from Lily's stone placement ceremony in November 2013, when I finally got her permanent headstone and was able to share the meaning behind it.

I hear some people talk about how their families don't "count" their baby in Heaven, don't talk about them, include them, celebrate them on their birthday, etc. And it makes me realize just how blessed I am to have a family who does love, honor, miss, and count Lily. My family and friends walked out their pro-life convictions in Lily's life... but honestly what I'm finding is they did so even more in her death... Their love for her and understanding of the sanctity of life was even more pronounced in their depth of weeping when she was buried on that day in late March 2010, in how they celebrate her birthday with me each March 16th, in their sensitivity in how they try to understand best they can what I'm feeling and what I need, in wanting to visit her "special spot" with me when we're in Virginia, in not being afraid to speak her name - not in a tense and awkwardly forced sort of way, but just normal, because she is a part of the family, in not making me feel like I should stop missing and loving Lily as other people try to make me feel, but entering into my pain and love with me, because they feel it as well, in being gracious and compassionate with me, even when I do get overly emotional and don't always make sense. Her absence is recognized because her value was first.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 20

Day 20: Gratitude

October 20, 2016 ♥

Day 20. Gratitude: I remember when I started on this journey of grief, people always said count your blessings and be grateful for what you have. I remember wanting to scream in their faces! But I took note of what they were saying and I started keeping a gratitude journal. I started writing down anything I felt grateful for and before too long, gratitude lifted me out of a dark pit of despair. What are your thoughts about gratitude? Do you feel it and if so, share something you are grateful for.

I'm grateful for the 40 weeks and 2 days I carried Lily beneath my heart. I'm grateful she knew my voice and could feel my love. I'm grateful for each time I heard her precious heartbeat, for each time I saw her on the ultrasound screen, for each gentle flutter or hard jab. I'm grateful for each picture and each keepsake item. I'm grateful that I was given the gift of her and that sacred time with her here. I'm grateful for the comforting knowledge that her entire life on Earth was peaceful. I'm grateful that she only ever felt warmth and love, never sadness, cold, pain, jealousy, or any of the other things that can make life hurt. I'm grateful she never felt salty tears running down her cheeks or felt ugly or not enough. I'm grateful she was never bullied and never had her heart broken. I'm grateful she is safe with her Creator and that we'll be together again. I'm grateful for each day I wake up with breath in my body and have the opportunity to serve Jesus and share of what God did in me through my little girl. I'm grateful for each person who remembers and celebrates her with me. I'm grateful that she is mine and I am hers. I'm grateful that she knew me and I her. I'm grateful that the bond we shared can never be severed.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Thursday, October 20, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 19

Day 19: Traditions

October 19, 2016 ♥

Day 19. Traditions: Creating traditions in grief do wonders for healing your heart. Do you have any traditions? Maybe something you do on special dates like birthdays or anniversaries? How do these traditions help you?

My family has quite a few traditions for Lily...

She was due on March 14th, which is National Potato Chip Day. Ironically, the food I craved most throughout my pregnancy was hashbrowns. One of her nicknames is Spud. We have hashbrowns in honor of our little Spud each year on her due date.

I had a Valentine's-themed baby shower, where we had yummy red-velvet cake. We now have something red-velvet (cake, cupcakes, ice-cream, etc.) each year in Lily's honor on her birthday, as well as on other special dates. We sing "happy birthday" to Lily in Heaven. ❤️🎂

My cousin Daniel is 4 months younger than me and his son Owen is 3 months older than Lily. Boy and girl cousins almost the same age apart! Oh how I dreamed they'd grow up close buds like Daniel and I were. Each year on Lily's birthday, Owen takes a photo where he wishes Lily a happy birthday. It is bittersweet to see him growing up through the years and to know Lily would be the same age, but she'll never grow up. I am thankful for these - the only way they can be in photos "together." Owen's mom is so thoughtful and kind to remember to do this for me and Lily Kat. One of my favorite traditions! I hope Owen will want to continue doing it through the years. 👫

Cracker Barrel is my favorite restaurant and store. We have Lily's birthday lunch or dinner there each year. 😊🎈🍴

I decorate Lily's special spot each year for her birthday, as well as for other seasons and holidays. 💐

A new tradition that has begun over the last couple years is taking cupcakes (red-velvet of course) to the hospital where Lily was born to the wonderful nurses there, along with some Lily's Legacy Comfort Boxes. 😘

We light a candle for Lily each year on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, in conjunction with the Wave of Light. We participate in other local events held in October.

We like to have a special time of celebrating each year on Life for Lily Day, whether that be with a butterfly release among other things.

I get a new Christmas ornament in Lily's honor each year to put out on her mini Christmas tree I have in my room. It is displayed by the stocking my grandmother knitted for her. 🎄

It is meaningful to have these traditions and I look forward to them each year. It makes me smile when these special "Lily things" remind others of her too. 😌

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 18

Day 18: Healing

October 18, 2016 ♥

Day 18. Healing: Have you discovered any healing therapies in your life after loss? Please share what has helped you.

What has helped heal me the most since losing Lily is getting in the Word of God. Scripture has life and healing strewn throughout each page and can do in a human heart what none else can.

Other things that have helped are talking about Lily, writing about her, having others love and remember her with me, creating things for her such as her scrapbook, at times attending a local infant loss support group, and going to special events in her honor such as Walks or Candlelight Vigils. 💕

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 17

Day 17: Sacred Space

October 17, 2016 ♥

Day 17. Sacred Space: Do you have a special place that you visit to be with your children? A place that you feel connected to? Maybe it is their grave, or a beautiful garden, beach, or forest. Maybe it is a special spot dedicated to them in your home. What does this place mean to you? Why that place? If you have't got a sacred place that you visit maybe have a think about finding a beautiful place or space to remember them. You could create one in your own home or garden. If you would like to create a space in your home or garden, put on some beautiful music, make yourself a cup of tea, and light a candle. Clear the space so it is clean and new. Think about what you would like to place in this space. Some ideas are fresh flowers, a candle, photographs, pieces of paper with your favorite quotes of poetry, an ornament that represents your child. The beauty about your space is that you can make it whatever you desire and it will grow, change, and evolve over time. It's a lovely idea to keep a photographic record of how it changes with your grief and life experience. I light a candle or some incense every morning and night in my space.

My favorite sacred slace is Lily's special spot, located in my hometown of Crozet, Virginia. Her memorial stone was custom designed, just for her. It took 3 1/2 years to get her permanent stone, but it was worth the wait. It gave me time to think about what I truly wanted and how best to capture the story of Lily's life and legacy through her stone. Literally every single thing incorporated in her stone has deep meaning behind it.

It does my heart good to have a place to visit and to be able to do something tangible for Lily, decorating her spot for different holidays and seasons. I like her spot to look as lovely as possible, in case she gets any visitors. :) I hope that when people see her stone, whether they know Lily and I or not, that they think her stone is beautiful and can tell how loved and missed she is. I hope they can just feel the love, the love I have for my precious daughter who I can only mother through things like designing her stone and tending to her special spot.

I live in another state, so don't get to Lily's spot as often as I'd like, but I'm thankful that I have family and friends who take decor and tidy up at my request.

We have gatherings at Lily's spot on special dates/occasions and to me, it's not morbid, as I'm sure others might think it is. To me, I don't think about what a cemetery is, I think about the beauty of having a stone to honor one's life. To have a stone, one must have existed. To have a stone means she is with Jesus and is still alive.

A couple other sacred places are Lily's garden at my home, the hospital where she was born, the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, Tennessee, where she has a brick paver, the beach, and mountains.

Click here to read all about Lily's stone.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 16

Day 16: Sacred Keepsakes

October 16, 2016 ♥

For today, I decided I wanted to do my own thing, rather than sticking with the original prompt. I want to share the most precious keepsakes I have, my tangible things that are *of Lily*, the things closest to her. Her foot and handprints, snippet of hair (exactly the same shade as mine), foot impression, ultrasound photo (her first picture), hospital bracelets, the hat she wore right after she was born, and the outfit she wore at the hospital, one of the only 2 she'd ever wear (the other is her "going Home to Jesus" outfit).

These things are a reminder she was real.

She was here.

She is mine. 🌷

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 15

Day 15: Wave of Light

October 15, 2016 ♥

Day 15. Wave of Light: October 15th Wave of Light is a very significant day of remembrance and awareness on our community calendar. At 7 p.m., you are invited to light a candle to honor and remember all of the babies and children who have died. If everyone does this, there be a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Share your candles and children with the world.

This is what I wrote that night:

I came home from a candlelight service and wanted to have another candle burning at home on that sacred night. I got out my red-velvet candle that is only lit on special occasions. Here it is with the Forget-Me-Not Willow Tree that was given to me by the staff at the hospital where Lily was born.

My social media pages were filled with Wave of Light photos, and the names and photos of precious babies who are so very missed. It brought me to tears because it is so sad and beautiful all at once. These babies are the children of my friends and I love them. They each hold a special place in my heart and I look forward with eager expectation to meeting and holding them in Heaven. What great joy awaits us there.

I want to share some of the names of the precious babies who were on my heart: my daughter Lily Katherine, my Aunt Rachel Ross, Ryleigh Grace, Lillian Judith Joy, Jensen Grey, Nathan, Azalea, Rachel Alice, Hope, Sullivan, Kayden, Riley, Noah, Bo, Cassie, Navaeh, Lucas, Solomon, Riley Grace, Ava Nicole, Tara, Brooklynn, Nicholas, Addison, Kathlyn Joy, Daisy, Amiyah, MaKenna, Liliana, Caitlyn, Marcellus, Shelby, Lillyan, Stella, Mateo, Aidan, Colby, Elias, Eva, Noah Joel, Shyla, Jakin, Aiden, Jensen, Hailey, Madison, Lincoln, Bailey, Rosie, Shae, Leo, Lola, Autumn, Faith, Grace, Thomas, Carleigh, Sparrow, Avery, and many, many others.

I was deeply touched by the messages I received from some friends, and the photos that were sent of candles lit for Lily and prayers sent up. Thank you to everyone who helped make the day memorable. ❤️

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Friday, October 14, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 14

Day 14: Beliefs + Spirituality

October 14, 2016 ♥

Day 14. Beliefs + Spirituality: Has the death of your child strengthened or changed your beliefs? Share as much or as little as you like. Please be respectful to the beliefs of others today. We are all in this together and our differences are what make this project so beautifully interesting. Choose kindness.

For today's prompt, I am going to share some words that I wrote on Lily's 5th birthday and some that I wrote on her 6th birthday...

Some might think that because it's been 6 years, that I should be "over" my loss. I assure you, I will never be over her. Could you ever stop thinking about or loving your child? My friend Stacy said something about her daughter that I feel as well with every fiber of my being: "it never gets easier to have the ground between us." Yes. Whether it's been one year, five years, ten, or a hundred... it will never get easier to live without her.

And I am thankful for that.

I am thankful that through the unique challenges I face in mothering a child in Heaven, that I must learn to depend on God more and more.

God taught me about laying down my life for the cause of Christ when He asked me to lay down my life for Lily's. He asked me to give up my "rights" to my body and say "yes" to loving her. He asked me to say "yes" to His plan for the life growing within me. I said "yes" to growing to love her and now I'm saying "yes" to loving her even more through the years without her by my side. I am saying "yes" to being asked to say "goodbye" or rather "see you soon," instead of having her here to grow up before my eyes.

Because saying "yes" means trusting in His plan. It means trusting that He created her life, for a purpose, before the foundation of the world and not only did He create her, but He chose to take her to be with Jesus for a reason too. He knew her name. He knew her purpose.

On March 16, 2010, God asked me to surrender my "rights" as a mother to raise my baby girl on Earth. Every March 16 after that, when I wonder who the little girl born on that day in 2010 would have grown up to become, I must surrender again.

May my heart continue to say, she is Yours, Lord. She was never mine to keep. She is Yours, she has always been Yours... sent from You as a gift and sent back to You, still a gift to me, to this world, to anyone blessed to hear her story. May my heart continue each March 16, and every other day of every year, to say she is Yours God. Her legacy and life is Yours. Even when I can't see through my blurry tear-filled eyes and heavy heart, still my heart will choose to say, she is Yours... My heart will choose to give her back to You. My heart will choose to trust You. My heart will choose to thank you for the story You are writing for my life. A story that I pray brings You glory. I pray that how I respond to this loss will honor Lily's life and point to the goodness of Jesus Christ, all the days of my life. May I be a good steward of this beautiful story of LIFE and redemption!

This beautiful drawing is from my sister-in-law/best friend/Lily's Aunt Kala. She gave it to me on Lily's 1st birthday. I think it sums up what God is teaching me about surrender. It's me giving Lily to Jesus, not clinging to her, but willingly, though painfully, giving her back to Him, because I trust the good heart of my Father. I trust that the One who so lovingly crafted her purpose will gently care for her until I can.

The author of one of my very favorite books, Glenda Revell wrote, "My affliction became the cord with which He drew me to Himself."

I can honestly say that the affliction of losing Lily and living these past 6 years without her has been a cord that has drawn me closer to Jesus than anything in my life. We can't see what God sees. He knows what will best sanctify us in this life, what will give us a yearning for Heaven and a longing for eternal things instead of temporal.

I believe the reason Lily died is because we live in a fallen world. God's best would be for her to have lived. But even in the midst of a broken world where babies die, God is still sovereign. He is still working it for good, for so many reasons, some I've been witness to. One of the greatest goods I've seen the Lord work from her death has been to draw me unto Himself in a deeper and fuller way than if she had lived.

Glenda also wrote, "Our dear Father is much more concerned with our eternal destiny than with giving us temporal pleasure. And unlike earthly fathers, God knows precisely what we need of both pain and pleasure to draw us to the ultimate good He has planned for us. I know now that God did not forsake me during my dark night of sorrow. All the time He was drawing me to Himself by peeling away, one by one, those objects of my longing, that, if given, would have kept me from longing for Him. God was on my side. His strong arm, which, in His great wisdom, so sorely bruised me, would eventually, in merciful tenderness, gather me into His bosom."

He has a plan and purpose for my pain. Sometimes, things don't need to be "fixed" in the way we humans want them to be. Brokenness can be a tool used in the strong hands of an Almighty God.

John Piper wrote, "When we have little and have lost much, Christ comes and reveals Himself as more valuable than what we have lost."

That's where I am 6 years from losing my precious baby girl... missing her just as much as March 16, 2010. Remembering *she* is not missing anything. Realizing how much I have lost. Recognizing that Christ is more valuable than anything or anyone. Longing for healing and Heaven.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Thursday, October 13, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 13

Day 13: Dear World

October 13, 2016 ♥

Day 13. Dear World: 🌎 What is on your heart that you want the world to know about your kind of grief? This is your day to choose your own topic. Some topic ideas are pregnancy or infertility after loss. Anxiety or PTSD. Forgiveness. Trust. What is it that you want to talk about?

"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of her name! It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul!" -Author Unknown

🌷 Her name is Lily Katherine. 🌷

Watercolor painting by The Painted Name Project.

I'd love to hear your precious baby's name.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 12

Day 12: Lemons + Lemonade

October 12, 2016 ♥

Day 12. Lemons + Lemonade: 🍋 Have you made anything positive come from this unimaginable loss? Did you find any blessings among all the sadness and sorrow?

Somehow, by no ability of my own, the Lord has brought beauty from the ashes of losing Lily. I am a mere willing instrument to be used for His purposes and glory.

When I was facing an unplanned pregnancy in the Summer of 2009, God whispered to my heart that if I chose LIFE for my unborn baby, I couldn't imagine the beauty that He would bring. In that moment of crisis and decision, I had no idea that He would call my sweet babe to Heaven to be with Him before she ever took her first breath. Yet, I also had no idea all He had planned through my embracing her life. I had no idea that thousands of people would hear about her and come to love her.

She was a tiny baby who was but a seed growing away within me, hidden from all eyes, yet seen by the God of the entire Universe. He knew of the breathtakingly beautiful and enormous plan He had for her, even before I ever made my decision. He knew of all the people who would one day be moved by her story. He could see all that even when she was unseen by me.

Over the past few years, He has opened the doors for me to share mine and Lily's story across the country, at banquets, churches, a camp, a hospital, etc. It blows me away to see how He revealed to me that one day I'd be speaking and sharing my story and then how He's literally given me the opportunity to share it with thousands of people. I am so thankful for the adventures He's taken me on, the unique places I've visited, the incredible people I've gotten to meet, and how I know each year, more and more people know of Lily and her lasting legacy.

Since my first post on my blog that I published 7 years ago this month (while I was pregnant), I have written over 1,000 posts with thousands upon thousands of words about my love for Lily, how God has changed my life through hers, and how He's never ceased to be faithful. It has been amazing to connect with people all over the world through sharing on my blog, as well as on other websites and news sources. I had the blessing of being interviewed for WORLD Magazine in 2013.

Over the past couple years, I've gotten involved with the Perinatal Bereavement Committee at the local hospital where Lily was born. It has been so encouraging to see how much they are interested in hearing the experiences and feelings of those who've lost their babies there and how they want to make changes so the care received there will be the best possible. I put together some Lily's Legacy Comfort Boxes and have donated them on her 5th and 6th birthdays. Now the hospital has taken on financially providing for the boxes, so each and every patient who loses a precious baby has one to take home in their empty arms.

Around Lily's birthday last year, my grandmother said something profound that I've held close to my heart since then. She told me I need to know that the ripples are out there, the ripple effects of how Lily's life is impacting the world. The ripples go further than what I am seeing and hearing, beyond and above what I know, even if people don't say something to me directly. As I have said, "my little flower" Lily is an eternal flower, given as an eternal gift from an eternal God. And her legacy will never fade. The things I've shared here are just some of the ways He is using her.

Corrie ten Boom said, "The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration but its donation."

When I am looking more at my pain than at the beauty of Lily's life and legacy, it can be easy to lose sight of all this. But then God shows me He is sovereign and everything has always been in His control. He reminds me that more people know about Lily because of her death than they would have had she lived. And she is making more of an impact not here than she would have if she were here. As I've said before, she was never meant to be a little girl of this world. She was called to be my daughter of Heaven.

God was right... I never could have dreamed of the beauty that He would bring. As Steven Curtis Chapman sings in his song, "Beauty Will Rise," "It will take our breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes."

I'm still trying to catch my breath.