Miles in Memory

During the month of October, a couple bereaved mommies in the UK took part in something called Miles in Memory, in honor of Leo, to raise funds and awareness for babyloss. Miles in Memory is connected to Aching Arms UK.

They walked, cycled, and ran 310 miles throughout the month of October, for PAIL Awareness Month. Each mile was dedicated to babies around the world who were lost, and the 310 was selected because that is the number of babies who are stillborn in the UK each month.

They photographed each name of each baby each mile. Lily Katherine was mile #5 in Southampton Common, Hampshire. :)

These are a couple photos they shared with Lily's name seen in the photos.

Here is the final video they shared with all the baby's names throughout all the miles!

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PAIL Awareness Tree of Life

The Born Into Heaven Foundation came up with a beautiful project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in October. They had something called the Tree of Life, where they honored babies from all over the country, with a "leaf" sharing their names, birthdays, and where they were born. The Tree was at a hospital in Alabama. It was supposed to help break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. My sweet Lily was included! :)

Here's a video that shows the entire tree and then Lily's part on the tree.

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Facets of Grief Memorial

Jenna Belle's mommy, Fran, created an adult coloring page in recognition of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in October. She wrote the names of many babies on it, including Lily Katherine's. Here's a screen shot of her name.

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Lily's Name Butterfly

This beautiful butterfly created out of Lily's name was made for me by Kate in recognition of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in October. Isn't it gorgeous? 😍

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PAIL Ribbon for Lily

Ingrid sent me this gorgeous PAIL Awareness ribbon with Lily's name and birthday! Love it! 😊💕💙

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From Sullivan's Mommy

My friend Kay (Sullivan's mommy) sent me this graphic of Lily's name for PAIL Awareness Month. 😊💕💙

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Pink and Blue Virginia Sunset

My Bumma (grandmother) is the sweetest. I call her my #1 blog follower 😌😉 and she's been following along with my Capture Your Grief posts during the month of October.

She saw that my post for yesterday was a "Sunset Reflection." I got this picture from her in my inbox last night. I miss the beautiful Virginia countryside, (those mountains!) which is home sweet home. This pink and blue sunset is perfect on the last night of PAIL Awareness Month, not far from Lily's special spot. 💕💙🌅

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Broken Shells, Full Hearts

My friend Tami, Corinne's mommy, had a beautiful project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

On seashells, she wrote the names of cherished babies who are in Heaven, made a heart of out them, and photographed them.

This is what she wrote, along with the photos: "Each broken shell represents one mommy's broken heart. Although broken and scarred, all of our broken hearts have become one. We have formed a sisterhood like no other. We are connected through our precious babies and the tragedy of being a mommy to an angel(s)."

I'm honored that she included my sweet Lily and Luke and am thankful to have so many women around the world to help carry each other through missing our babies. 🌊🐚🐬🐳🐟🐠💕💙

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Lily's October Spot

My friend Elise stopped by Lily's spot recently and took a few pictures for me of it decorated for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. She was so sweet when she said that she's been thinking of me and Lily "very much lately." :) She was also so cute when after calling it the gravesite, she corrected herself and said, my apologies, Lily's spot.

It's difficult to tell in some of the photos, but the sky that evening was pink and blue, perfect for PAIL Awareness Month! I love the mountains in the background! Home sweet home. 💕💙

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 31

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 31: Sunset Reflection

October 31, 2016 ♥

Day 31. Sunset Reflection: We have come to the end of this Capture Your Grief experience so take a big breath and a long sigh. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken part this year and especially for allowing me the grace to grieve and take my own time with posting my daily subjects... On this last day, take some time out to watch the sunset from wherever you are in the world and reflect on this last month. How do you feel? What have you learned? What did you dislike? What did you like?

I can hardly believe the month of October is ending, and thus so is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time of year very close to my heart.

I've enjoyed being a part of the Capture Your Grief Project this year... sharing my Lily and hearing more about your babies has been healing and an honor.

My sweet friend Elise sent me this picture from Lily's spot (decorated for PAIL Awareness Month) and I thought it was perfect to share today. She captured the photo at sunset and though it's difficult to tell in the photo, the sky was pink and blue, the PAIL Awareness ribbon colors.

Much love to everyone who participated! 💕💙

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 30

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 30: My Promise to You

October 30, 2016 ♥

Day 30. My Promise to You: I made a promise to my son a few years ago to live my life to the fullest in honor of him. I have succeeded and failed at that promise many times but what matters most is that it has helped me to hold onto love when there is only darkness and to always try my best to make him proud of me. What promise would you like to make to your child?

I'm on a lifelong journey of learning what it means to be your mommy, which is challenging to do from Earth, my daughter of Heaven.

This I know: I promise to always be your voice and to honor you in any way I can for as long as I live.

Your heart beats with every beat of my own, and you will live on through me until I breathe my last breath. Even if all the world were to forget you, I promise I never will. I couldn't forget even in my old age because you are etched into the very fabric of my heart. So don't feel like you're missing out on all the fun. Because wherever I go, there you'll be too.

No matter how many children I may have in the future, you will forever remain my first-born babe. Please know that nobody could ever take your place. There's a special spot in my heart that will always be yours alone.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." -Robert Munsch

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 29

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 29: Cherished Memory

October 29, 2016 ♥

I am doing my own prompt for today.

One of my most cherished memories with Lily is when I was 29 weeks pregnant. It was the Christmas season and Lily went on an adventure to Philly! We had a fun and memorable trip, walking around downtown, getting hot beverages at charming local coffee shops, exploring historic/touristy destinations, trying the famous Philly cheesesteak sub, and staying at the oldest hotel in the city. My mom and brothers went to an Eagle's football game. I kept having contractions and we joked that "Lily wanted to be born in Philly." My belly was getting a lot bigger, to the point of not being able to button up this coat all the way, as you can see in the photo. ;) That makes me giggle. Lily was growing big and strong! My girl had lots of adventures during her time on Earth with her adoring family.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 28

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 28: Compassion

October 28, 2016 ♥

Day 28: Compassion

I am putting my own spin on today's topic. I want to share some practical ideas for showing compassion to mothers who have experienced the loss of their baby.

Acknowledge. That their baby was real and an irreplaceable part of their life and family.

Speak their name. It's a melody to the ears of a mother whose lost their child.

Ask questions. About the meaning behind their baby's name, details about their birth story, special pregnancy memories, etc.

Do something. Don't be one of those people who says "let me know if I can do anything," and then who goes on with your life pleased with yourself for saying it, but not actually do anything. Send flowers, a card, take a meal or groceries, toilet paper, milk, tissues, etc. Put together a little comfort box, like the one pictured. Pamper the mother with all things lavender and chamomile, which are both known to be soothing and calming.

Don't pressure. Don't try to force them to act how you want them to act or "recover" from this, as if they had the flu.

Just listen. Sometimes they don't need advice. They aren't looking for you to "fix things." They just need a listening ear, a warm hug, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to pray with.

Share resources. Send information to them with resources to help them realize they aren't alone, such as Still Standing Magazine.

Show sensitivity. With your words and actions. Before thrusting that pregnancy announcement or baby photos in their face, try to imagine how that might make them feel. Ask them if they want to see them.

Remember. After a short time, the flooding of phone calls and cards will stop. It's in these times that they will continue needing love and support. Keep reaching out. Remember their baby on their birthday/death day. Remember their baby on Christmas. Remember their baby on October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and light a candle for them. Tell them that you remember. Do something special for them, such as getting them a piece of jewelry in honor of their baby from somewhere such as My Forever Child, planting a tree in their baby's honor, mentioning their baby by name in the cards you send them, getting a Christmas ornament with their baby's name, among so many other possibilities. Get creative in how you can honor their motherhood and their baby's valuable life. The smallest of gestures can speak a thousand words that will never be forgotten.

***These ideas are from a post I wrote called "How Family and Friends Can Help When a Baby Dies."***

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 27

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 27: Family is Forever

October 27, 2016 ♥

Day 27. Family is Forever: Your child is a part of your family forever. There will never come a day when you are no longer their parent. Until the end of time, you are family. Share about your family today. Who would be in your family portrait? Remember that family does not have to be blood relatives.

Family is forever.

Lily's unique spot in my family is irreplaceable and forever.
It's all her own.
She's my cherished first-born.
The first-born grandchild.
The first-born great-granddaughter.
A niece.
A great-niece.
A first and second cousin.

She shares a first name with her great-great-great-grandmother, Lily, and a middle name with Lily's daughter, Katherine.

It makes my heart smile that Lily is connected to my family through her name. She is just as real as anybody and deserves the most beautiful of names.

Some people live close to 100 years on Earth, while others never take a breath outside the womb, but that doesn't make one life more significant than another. That's what I feel God reminding me of as I've struggled with wondering why my relatives before me, Lily and Katherine, were blessed with many more years than my little Lily Katherine. What I keep coming back to is remembering that it is God alone who numbers our days (Psalm 139:16) and it's His business whether those days are numbered few or many. Our value is not found in that number. And what God can do through a life is not measured or defined by that number. He works outside of our lines, as I wrote about in a blog post before. Not only that, but His love for us is not measured in how many days He gives us on Earth. The fact that my girl has the same name as these women who lived on Earth for many decades is a reminder of how they are equal.

I am confident in and comforted by Lily's place in my family. There will never be another Lily Katherine Allen-Ball like her. We treasure the time we had with her here and will carry her with us always, seeking ways to honor her, remember her, and include her. ❤️

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 26

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 26: #WhatHealsYou

October 26, 2016 ♥

Day 26. #WhatHealsYou: Turning the WHY into what heals you? has been one of my greatest healers. Whenever I found myself asking "why did this have to happen. Why me? Why him?" etc etc. I started asking myself what heals me? I revisited passions of mine and spent a little bit of time each day giving those passions my attention. Before too long, my life started becoming beautiful again. Share about what heals you and if you are not sure, have a think about what it is you are passionate about. What heals you is often hidden there.

Revelation 21:4 - my hope and ultimate healing.

Maranatha, which means "come, Lord Jesus."

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 25

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 25: Finished Sentences

October 25, 2016 ♥

Day 25. Finished Sentences: Finish these 5 sentences...

I wish _______________________________.

I remember __________________________.

I could not believe _____________________.

If only _______________________________.

I am _________________________________.

I wish... I knew you at age 6. I wish I could have known you at every age up until the age you'd be now. I wish I had more than a select few photos to share over and over. I wish the world would recognize your value the way I do.

I remember... how wonderful it was to have you here and all the adventures you had during your short life. How simultaneously tragic and amazing it was to have you in my arms for the first time. How perfectly formed and beautifully real you were, with those dainty eyelashes, eyebrows, nails already growing out, and a face with features just like your mommy.

I could not believe... you slipped away for no apparent reason after a beautiful and healthy pregnancy. That at age 20, I was thrust into a world of baby caskets, headstones, and what it felt like to leave the hospital with empty arms after a full-term pregnancy and being denied a birth certificate for the 7 pound 9 ounce baby you birthed because she didn't take a breath.

If only... I had delivered you a few days before. If only I had known about the importance of kick counts. If only I had a husband and another *living* child. I know that "I have to surrender my "if only's" to Jesus," as Corrie ten Boom wrote. I trust He sees and understands. And He withholds nothing good and nothing needed from my life. He holds my "if only's" and He is always enough.

I am... always and forever Lily's mother, even if that's invisible to the world. ❤️ 

This photo was taken on the first PAIL Remembrance Day I recognized, in 2010.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 24

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 24: Her Song

October 24, 2016 ♥

I am going to come up with my own prompt for today.

My amazingly sweet and thoughtful friend Heather Cofer surprised me on Lily's 4th birthday in March 2014 with a song just for Lily, one of the best gifts I've ever received and one I will treasure forever - the words, her voice, and the melody are hauntingly beautiful. Sometimes I still can't believe Lily has a song. I'll never tire of it, or of the fact that my friend did this for me, after the Lord prompting her to do so.

I'll never forget how just a short time before Heather sent me the song, I was on a friend's blog and saw someone wrote her daughter a song (she is also with Jesus) and I longed to have one for Lily. God knew that Heather was in the process of preparing this most sacred gift for me, and even led me to desire it, without the slightest clue I already had one "in the works!" He wanted to bless me with Lily being honored in this way. :)

When Heather sent me the song (along with this lovely lyrics page), she wrote: "It has been a very precious and very serious process for me, knowing that I need to accurately portray a story not my own in a way that is beautiful and clear. I tried to incorporate ways that you have used to describe Lily and your story, and since this is written from your perspective, trying to also capture the deep emotion, love, joy, and sorrow that is apart of it.... My desire was for you to have a song that was specifically for Lily, from the outflow of your heart."

It was wonderful hearing the song in person for the first time last August. It expressed parts of my heart I never knew could be expressed. It's a keepsake of Lily's life and legacy in itself and has been wonderful to have this to share at the end of a speaking engagement, as a way to wrap things up. I'd love it if Heather could play it live on day somewhere that I speak.

The words take my breath away and bring me to my knees in thanking the Lord for her life, as well as missing her beyond description.

Heather has somehow captured my mother heart in these words, Lily's life and legacy, and what it means to me to be her mommy. The song just fits Lily - it is so gentle and sweet, yet also has a bittersweet sound. It depicts the sacred dance of grief and joy. Heather is an amazing musician. I have thought her voice and piano playing is so beautiful for as long as I've known her. Her sweet voice matches this song perfectly. 💕

Sweet Lily, My Beautiful Girl

Here are Heather and I last year with her beautiful daughter who was due on the exact same day Lily was, 5 years apart.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 23

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 23: Sounds, Seasons + Scents

October 23, 2016 ♥

Day 23. Sounds, Seasons + Scents: There are reminders of our children everywhere. We find them in songs, in scents, and different seasons. Share the things that bring you closer to your children. Feel free to share a song that reminds you of them.

Each season holds sounds, scents, and feelings that remind me of Lily for a different reason... thinking of her time on Earth or all her life would be holding with each new season and year.

Fall reminds me of my pregnancy, seeing her and hearing her heart for the first time, feeling her kick, and my love growing along with my belly.

Spring is a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before spring started. 

In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming beautifully and the sun grew warmer on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on and the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended. 

With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. Spring and Lily...they came together. I see the hand of my God in choosing for her to be born right before the genesis of spring. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming! 

With spring comes new life and fresh hope. Even here on Earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world. 

She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of spring...

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 

Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and spring here on Earth, but He reminds me that spring is coming. Eternal spring. 

Some family friends named the Kirchmans gave me a bleeding heart plant at Lily's celebration of life/memorial service in March 2010. I remember when they first gave it to me thinking that the little pink hearts were a powerful reflection of my bleeding mother heart. My heart that bleeds both love and sorrow. And how perfect that hearts remind me of her and my Valentine's baby shower.

We planted the bleeding heart in Lily's memorial garden and each spring around her birthday, it blooms. It is something I look forward to in the spring... the time of year when she came, but never came home. It is a connection to March 2010. A connection to Lily.

Last spring, it appeared that the plant wasn't going to revive. But then it did... This bleeding heart is a reminder that though things may sleep through the winter, they come back in the spring! The spring is such a glorious time of hope and resurrection.

I am so thankful the Lord brought this little plant back to life. And even though it appeared it was gone forever, it was just sleeping. Lily might appear to be gone forever, but she is just asleep to this world... but forever alive in Jesus.

I'll end with this poem that reminds me of my sweet girl and the love I carry for her through every season:

My Little One, My Dear One, My Love
By Edward Searl

My little one, my dear one, my love,
you will be with me forever:
in the thin sunlight and long shadows
of a clear winter's day;
in the dawn excitement of birds
sounding in early spring;
in the rustle of heavy-leafed trees
in a mid-summer's night;
in the rich aromas and bright colors
of a warm autumn day.
All that is excellent,
brushed by Life's
brightness and shadow,
will remind me of you,
My little one, my dear one, my love.
You will beat with my heart,
see through my eyes,
hear with my ears,
feel on  my skin.
Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever,
My little one, my dear one, my love.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 22

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 22: Pearls of Wisdom

October 22, 2016 ♥

Day 22. Pearls of Wisdom: Do you have any words of wisdom to share that you have found helpful? It could be from a writer, speaker, philosopher, maybe even a friend. Feel free to share quotes, poetry, song lyrics, or just ideas. I invite you to share a message of hope for all the newly bereaved parents and loved ones out there.

I want to share some words from a letter written by John Piper to a lady whose son was stillborn. These words are incredibly comforting to me and I pray whoever reads them who have also lost their baby will find comfort in them as well.

Please know that I know I don't know what it is like to give birth to a lifeless body. Only a small, sad band of mothers knows that. I say "lifeless body" because, as you made clear, your son is not lifeless. He simply skipped earth. For now. But in the new heavens and the new earth, he will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can give without any of its sorrows.
I do not know what age - what level of maturity and development - he will have in that day. I don't know what level of maturity and development I will have. Will the 25-year-old or the 35- or the 45- or the 55-year-old John Piper be the risen one? God knows what is optimal for the spiritual, glorified body. And so it will be for your son. But you will know him. God will see to that. And he you. And he will thank you for giving him life. He will thank you for enduring the loss that he might have the reward sooner.
God's crucial word on grieving well is 1 Thessalonians 4:13: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." Yours is a grieving with hope. Theirs is a grieving without hope. That is the key difference. There is no talk of not grieving. That would be like suggesting to a woman who just lost her arm that she not cry, because it would be put back on in the resurrection. It hurts! That's why we cry. It hurts.
And amputation is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is different than the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the severing, and then the relentless pain of the gone-ness. The countless might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike other pain.

You can read the entire letter here.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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Capture Your Grief ~ Day 21

Capture Your Grief 2016

for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 21: Relationships

October 21, 2016 ♥

Day 21. Relationships: How have your relationships changed? Did you lose any? Have you made new friendships?

Through having (and losing) Lily, the Lord has brought many amazing people into my life.

Some of the women I treasure, I met online. They are women of all different ages, with different stories, from across the world. It is incredible how the Lord weaves our stories and lives together. I haven't even met some of my dearest friends "in person," but when you relate on the deepest levels because of shared similar experiences, it's as if you've known that person always. When your hearts connect, it doesn't matter the number of miles between you.

The lovely ladies I've met in person/locally are also amazing. The photo on the bottom is from Lily's 6th birthday. I was out of town that day and couldn't be at my local loss support group meeting that happened to fall on her exact birthday. The ladies who did meet together had red-velvet cupcakes for Lily and took this sweet photo for me. Red-velvet as many of you know is a Lily tradition, started because of my Valentine's-themed baby shower. Isn't that so sweet?!

I'm also thankful for the people I know outside of the loss community, the family and friends who have stuck by me through the years, taking interest in being a part of the special events or occasions where Lily is honored. The photo on the top is from Lily's stone placement ceremony in November 2013, when I finally got her permanent headstone and was able to share the meaning behind it.

I hear some people talk about how their families don't "count" their baby in Heaven, don't talk about them, include them, celebrate them on their birthday, etc. And it makes me realize just how blessed I am to have a family who does love, honor, miss, and count Lily. My family and friends walked out their pro-life convictions in Lily's life... but honestly what I'm finding is they did so even more in her death... Their love for her and understanding of the sanctity of life was even more pronounced in their depth of weeping when she was buried on that day in late March 2010, in how they celebrate her birthday with me each March 16th, in their sensitivity in how they try to understand best they can what I'm feeling and what I need, in wanting to visit her "special spot" with me when we're in Virginia, in not being afraid to speak her name - not in a tense and awkwardly forced sort of way, but just normal, because she is a part of the family, in not making me feel like I should stop missing and loving Lily as other people try to make me feel, but entering into my pain and love with me, because they feel it as well, in being gracious and compassionate with me, even when I do get overly emotional and don't always make sense. Her absence is recognized because her value was first.

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.

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