7 Begins

December brings the reminder that Lily would be turning a new age soon. She'd be 7 in just 3 months. It starts when December 10th and 11th roll around. You see, Josie Duggar turned 7 yesterday, on the 10th. And Lily's cousin, Owen, turns 7 today.

The reason I remember Josie's birthday is because she was due on March 18th, 2010 and Lily was due on March 14th, 2010 and was born on March 16th, 2010. I remember when I was pregnant with Lily and finding out that Michelle was pregnant with Josie and thinking it was special they were due just days apart.

And then of course little Josie was born over three months prematurely, spending time in the NICU. While this tiny girl was fighting for her life, my Lily grew big and strong in what should be the safest place on Earth, in her mother's womb. 

But Josie survived to see her 7th birthday. And Lily did not... even though she was in the best place I thought she could be. I sometimes think if Lily had just been born a few days earlier, she would have been born alive. It's difficult to know that she could have survived for literally months outside of the womb before the time she was born, yet she died because she was in the safe place. It's all so hard to wrap my mind around.

Josie Duggar will always remind me of Lily. Seeing her grow up some on the 19 Kids and Counting television show just blew my mind to know my girl would be that big too. They are equally as real and equally as important and cherished by their families.

And then Lily's cousin, Owen, turns 7 today. Owen is my first cousin, Daniel's, son. I have written many times about how Owen and Lily are boy and girl cousins born three months apart, just as Daniel and I are boy and girl cousins born four months apart.

As the years have passed, honestly it has gotten a lot easier for me to think about Owen growing up and to see photos of him. He is absolutely adorable! But each year on his birthday, I am reminded afresh of the little girl who should be having a birthday close behind him.

I wish I was feeling amazed at how fast my daughter is growing up, how the years are flying by... but instead, I am sad that the years are flying by, but my daughter will never grow up. She will always be a baby.

You can read all the posts I've written about Owen through the years by clicking here.

I thought I'd share some special photos of Owen, Daniel, Lily, and I...

With Daniel 7 years ago this month - shortly after Owen was born and Lily was growing away! I actually still have and wear that shirt!

Daniel and I visiting Lily's spot around Thanksgiving 2013, shortly after her permanent stone was installed.

This photo was taken during the summer of 2010. I didn't even know I had this picture until I found it on a disc a couple years ago. It was the first time I met Owen and would have been the first time 3-month-old Lily would have met him too.

Ins't he a cutie?! :)

Daniel and I when we were little... how I wish Lily and Owen were in pictures like this together too!

But instead, these are the only sort of pictures they'll ever take "together." Each year, Owen makes a birthday sign in honor of Lily and takes a photo to send me. I really treasure those photos. Each year, he grows bigger and she stays the same.

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Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

This is a powerful short documentary that explores pregnancy and infant loss. A young man created it whose mother had a stillborn son (his brother), and 6 miscarriages. He interviews his mother, as well as several others for the film. It's really well done. The cinematography is beautiful and moving. I related to many of the things expressed.

The main important point I felt was portrayed was how deeply this type of loss forever impacts a mother especially, and how important it is for the mother to have support and empathy. It really changes things when people have others to talk to, and others who care to listen and engage.

I loved this quote:

"It's about actively listening, sincerely listening, and being somebody they can share their baby with, because that's what they long to do." I know that's what I long to do!

And this one:

"I think it's so important to remember that even though that loss occurred a month ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, 30 years ago, that that baby is still very much a part of that woman's life, and will be until she herself passes on."

The part of the film I found most deeply moving was when he interviewed his mother. I saw much of myself and my own pain and feelings in her. It absolutely breaks my heart for her when she talks about her sweet baby Jacob.

She said this:

"The loss of him and his siblings formed who I am today. I will never be the same woman. David said I had the greatest laugh in the world. He could be across the room and he could hear my laugh... He only recently has heard me laugh like that again because the laughter died with the babies. I guess I'll never really be over losing them. You don't ever get over losing your babies. You die before your babies."

That is right... you never get over losing your babies. It is the most unnatural loss. I too feel that who I am today has been shaped by Lily and Luke and my experiences. I am a different person now than I would have been. But I will be honest in saying I am afraid of becoming someone whose laughter died with my babies. I don't want to be that person. I don't want their lives/deaths to bring more sorrow than joy. As I watched her speak, and this dread swept over my heart, wondering if that's who I'll be in decades from now, I felt the Lord reminding me that this is not how it has to be. Yes, my babies have changed me forever and for always, but the change doesn't have to be a negative/only painful one. If I turn my eyes upon Jesus, day by day, moment by moment, I don't have to turn into a bitter, grief-stricken woman (I'm not saying this mother is that, I'm just saying I could become that without Jesus). Even if I never have a child to bring home and raise.

As the hymn says,
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

With Jesus, I have JOY, I have Life, I have HOPE... hope of eternal life for both me and my babies. I think there is a balance of recognizing that I have been changed, in some hard/sad ways, but mostly in good/beautiful/redemptive ways. And I can laugh while missing my babies, as well as cry while still clinging to hope. The loss of a child is devastating, but it doesn't have to devastate our lives/future/hope/laughter/joy. It doesn't have to steal the beautiful things in life.

It reminds me of a Jim Elliot quote that says, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." I don't want my longing, both for my babies or for my future, to slay the appetite of my living today, and all the beauty to be found and the laughter to be had now.

Lord Jesus, please give me the grace to continue turning my eyes upon YOU, and never losing sight of my HOPE in YOU ALONE.

It reminds me of a part in Lily's song that says, "Through laughter and tears, I will not forget sweet Lily, my beautiful girl." I wrote a blog post about this called "Through Laughter and Tears." There will be laughter, there will be tears. Through it all, I will not forget my beautiful girl and I will not take my eyes off Christ.

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Lily on Other Christmas Trees

I'm so touched that my sweet Lily is included on several other people's Christmas trees this year. 🎄❤️

This is Lily's ornament on Tara's reclaimed wooden tree. It's so neat! I love how it has a rose and lily on it. :)

This is Lily's ornament on Kara's Angel Tree. :)

And this is Lily's name tag on Stacey's tree. :)

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Her Heartbeat Changed My Heart

This is one of the most amazing things I've ever been given in honor of my sweet Lily. An artist called MoxieMuseDesigns who free hands heartbeat paintings on Etsy paints them as gifts for parents who've lost their babies (she has a video on her page that shows a behind-the-scenes glimpse at her creating these paintings). She used Lily's recorded heartbeat and the sonogram image of her heartbeat to create this custom canvas painting, with the colors I requested (basically a combination of my favorite colors!). :) She also included the phrase I came up with - "Lily Katherine, Her heartbeat changed my heart." I had considered having the phrase "I will carry you while your heart beats here," from the Selah song that was played at Lily's service. But I decided that I wanted it to be something that captures her life (and not just her death), and something I came up with. I was able to choose between three sizes and ended up selecting the 8x16 inches canvas. For a long time, I wanted to have some sort of keepsake based on Lily's heartbeat and this is perfect. Her heartbeat is a gift to have forever to listen to and look at and be reminded of her brief, though breathtakingly beautiful existence. 💕🎨

Here's her heartbeat captured on a sonogram image. :)

Here's Lily's heartbeat recording, along with the video of her heart beating on the ultrasound screen.

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Our King Holds You Near Ornament

My beautiful new ornament I got on sale from laurelbox on Cyber Monday for Lily's Christmas tree. I love this poem. ❤️🎄

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I Believe She Felt My Love for Her

This is a post I shared a couple years ago with a photo I rarely share...

Sometimes I get sad thinking that not only did I never get to look at Lily in her eyes, but she also never got to look into mine. I struggle with wondering if she knew me. And if she knew how much I adore her.

All those months of growing a tiny human are spent in eager anticipation, waiting for the moment where as a mother you will finally gaze into the eyes of the sweet child whose face you've imagined countless times.

When I was told Lily's heart had stopped beating on the day I was to finally see her face, it felt like that dream was shattered. Like this was something that was snatched away from me before I ever got to fully have it, something that I had longed for. How do you find closure in that? I held her, but I never got to meet her outside of the womb.

A friend of mine recently shared this video of a newborn baby who doesn't want to leave her mother. She is literally clinging to her face and is so calm and peaceful when she is right by her mother. As soon as she is pulled away from her, she cries. Oh, how I wish I could have heard Lily's sweet newborn cry, how I wish we could have shared a moment like in this video. This baby knows her mother.

And it got me thinking, Lily really did know me, like this baby knows her mother. She knew my voice, she heard my heart beating and my blood rushing through my veins for almost an entire year. And even though she never saw my eyes, never felt me holding her, never was cared for me as a child is when they grow up on Earth, I truly believe she felt my love for her... just as I believe each of our babies who were lost before or shortly after birth knew their mamas and felt their immeasurable love.

It is a comforting thought to know her entire life on Earth was peaceful. She was fiercely loved by everyone close to her. She was longed for and embraced, even if her life didn't fit into "my plan" of how things should go. She only ever felt warmth and love... never sadness, cold, pain, jealousy, or any of the other things that can make life hurt. She never felt tears running down her cheeks or felt ugly or not enough. She was never bullied and never had her heart broken. She only felt love.

The first beat of her heart and the last were within me, in the sacred place of my womb, the only home she ever knew. And now she knows the perfect love of her Father in Heaven. What a gift for me as her mother to know these things.

She knew me and I her. The bond we shared can never be taken away.

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A Possible Medical Explanation?

If you are familiar with Lily's story, then you know that there was no medical explanation for her death. And that I trust God is greater than medical explanations. I firmly trust and hold to knowing that if Lily were meant to be here growing up in this world... she would be. God is sovereign and good and in control.

That doesn't mean there couldn't be some sort of medical reasoning for what happened.

Something was brought back to the forefront of my attention this week. A woman reached out on Instagram and said the following: "I just happened to read your heartbreaking story. I'm sure you've been told to test for everything as if you haven't done that already, but reading that there was no answer for the loss of your beautiful daughter just wasn't good enough. I've suffered 2 miscarriages and because of their loss I learned that I have a blood disorder called Factor Five Leiden, which can cause miscarriage and stillbirth. It can go undetected your whole life. I didn't know until it was too late. Bless your sweet Lily."

I've heard before in infant loss groups I'm apart of online that women have had losses because of a blood clotting disorder, and I'd made a mental note to get tested. Because they didn't find anything wrong with me or Lily, from her autopsy, and because I am not in the place in life to have another baby, it hasn't been a pressing matter. But I know if and when I ever do get married and we are ready to have a baby, that I want to get all the possible testing done.

Erin Bates (from the big Bates family with 19 kids in Tennessee - love them!) had 2 miscarriages and then discovered about this clotting disorder she has. Another friend whose had 2 miscarriages also recently learned this about herself too. I know there are shots that can be self-administered daily for the duration of pregnancy to help keep mom and baby healthy.

I'm honestly not sure if it would bring more hurt or relief to have some sort of answer. I can hardly fathom how if I did have a clotting disorder, that Lily would make it all the way to her due date! It would be a relief to be able to catch this if there is something going on with me that needs to be treated with medication, but it would be heartbreaking that it's too late to save Lily... that I somehow couldn't have found this out before my precious baby girl dying so soon. Nothing can bring her back, but knowing what's going on with my body could potentially help bring a crying wide-eyed baby home to stay.

I pray that God will lead me in this and direct me as to what medical tests to have administered and I trust He will give me wisdom. I wanted to share this as well for other mothers who've lost babies, to possibly look into getting tested. If you've had a late-term loss and have a blood clotting disorder and are willing to share your experience, please reach out.

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