Sometimes I get sad thinking that not only did I never get to look at Lily in her eyes, but she also never got to look into mine. I struggle with wondering if she knew me. And if she knew how much I adore her.
All those months of growing a tiny human are spent in eager anticipation, waiting for the moment where as a mother you will finally gaze into the eyes of the sweet child whose face you've imagined countless times.
When I was told Lily's heart had stopped beating on the day I was to finally see her face, it felt like that dream was shattered. Like this was something that was snatched away from me before I ever got to fully have it, something that I had longed for. How do you find closure in that? I held her, but I never got to meet her outside of the womb.
A friend of mine recently shared this video of a newborn baby who doesn't want to leave her mother. She is literally clinging to her face and is so calm and peaceful when she is right by her mother. As soon as she is pulled away from her, she cries. Oh, how I wish I could have heard Lily's sweet newborn cry, how I wish we could have shared a moment like in this video. This baby knows her mother.
It is a comforting thought to know her entire life on Earth was peaceful. She was fiercely loved by everyone close to her. She was longed for and embraced, even if her life didn't fit into "my plan" of how things should go. She only ever felt warmth and love... never sadness, cold, pain, jealousy, or any of the other things that can make life hurt. She never felt tears running down her cheeks or felt ugly or not enough. She was never bullied and never had her heart broken. She only felt love.
The first beat of her heart and the last were within me, in the sacred place of my womb, the only home she ever knew. And now she knows the perfect love of her Father in Heaven. What a gift for me as her mother to know these things.
She knew me and I her. The bond we shared can never be taken away.