Candle for Lily

A candle lit for Lily from Alexandra's mommy, Maggie.

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I will follow, Lord

I smile in the face of sorrow.

I dance in the ruin.

I have unspeakable joy on this journey of grief.

Inexplicable peace in the chaos.

How? I've had a taste of what is truly divine. And I'm left longing for more. My Jesus is merely a crutch to get me through the pain, you say? No. There is no strength in me. There is no joy. I've come face to face with the wretched condition of this soul. I've seen the complete lack of peace, lack of joy, lack of anything good in me.

I've also seen what's awaiting me in a life fully surrendered to Him. I've seen the supernatural conquering power that He brings. The storms are raging around me, yet I stand firm. I know I'm in His palm.

I'm afraid Lord, I'm afraid. I'm weak, Lord, I'm weak. I'm broken, Lord, I'm broken.

Breathing deeply, I collapse. But, this is where I'm meant to fall...Into his strong arms. I sigh and I fall where I belong. He's been waiting for me to realize my weakness. This weakness that makes me surrender to His strength. It matters not where He leads, for I will follow wherever He goes. Through the darkness, through the pain, through the sorrow, through the laughter, and the tears. If it makes me more like my Jesus, then I welcome whatever comes. And all the while, I will have His radiant, consuming joy in my heart. I will sing praises to Him, the Most High God. I will worship Him with my life. I will wear a beaming smile on my face because I know He is for me. So who can be against me?

"I am no longer anxious about anything as I realize that He is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is for Him to consider rather than me; for in the easiest positions He will give me His grace, and in the most difficult His grace is sufficient." ~Hudson Taylor

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Gianna Jessen, abortion SURVIVOR!

Gianna Jessen is absolutely radiant, beautiful and amazing...watch her speak to Parliament in Australia 2008.

PART 1

PART 2

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Silent ones, I will be your voice

To be the voice that can't be heard. The silence is a voice in itself, speaking volumes if only we'd listen. It tells of the lives that never got to be, but were.

They were.

And even if you explain it away, these are souls, not just bodies. And they need a voice. And HE is that voice. And HE is to give me that voice.

My mind wonders to thoughts of a child, gasping for every breath, but with lungs too frail to survive. I see the fight in his eyes, the desperation of his sweet spirit. And I know his own mother chose that.

That her own child would suffer. And die.

I'm hooked. One thought of this helpless life, and a warrior rises up in me.

My heart bleeds for each one of these silent ones. I will not remain silent. I will be a voice. Their voice. And I will tell the world of this.

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my Heart and my Mind

At times, I find myself in this surreal state of questioning whether or not this is really my life. My mind says, yes, it is. But, my heart tells me she's here. She's not forever silent. Forever still.


I can go peek over at her in her crib in the middle of the night, just to watch her chest go up and down, in repetitive motions, breathing and existing. I can cuddle with her tiny, warm body snuggled up to me, her eyes locking with mine, gazing into my soul.


She's part of me.


My heart tells me it's still winter, and I'm still waiting in joyful expectation for her life to begin and mine to begin anew, with her. My heart leads me to the baby section to search for pink, frilly outfits, suitable only for a princess.


But, my mind jolts me back to reality, reminding me that yes, this is my forever, continual reality. And yes, she is gone.


No, I never got to hear her cry. No, I never had the chance to gaze into the eyes of this gift, this new life, such a part of me, so fresh from God. She never got to meet her mama, her home for 40 weeks and 2 days, the only world she ever knew. She never got to see the face of the one whose voice was so familiar. She never got to feel my warm skin against hers, my salty tears of joy falling on her beautiful face as I held her for the first time.


No. None of this can be so.


Yet, it is.


I did hold her in my arms. But, never once did she take a breath. Never once have I held my child with life within her. What I know about her is only memories of her in me. My body where she was alive. She was real.


This new soul, created by God. Taken so soon. No cries. No laughter. No birthday parties. No snuggling with mama. No road trips. No wedding. No babies. No future.


Nothing but the imprint left on the hearts of those who will never forget. Who will go on loving. Go on missing. Go on adoring. Only from afar. But, adoring her nonetheless.


Her earthly life, no more.
But her legacy, always...

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My Favorite Picture

My friend, Kala, edited my favorite picture with Lily, that was taken by my mom. I just love it and plan on doing something special with it. =)

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Be Mine

These screams echo in my head.
Constant voices badgering my soul.
My inner most being
It aches.
It yearns.
It sees the wretched defilement
of who it is.
What its done.
There's no way out.
I'm stuck in this despair.
Like quick sand, I keep sinking.
Deeper and deeper into this abyss.
The deepest parts of me are crying,
screaming out loud.
But not a tear on my face.
Not a sound to be heard.
The only one who hears me is You.
You see my deepest needs,
my deepest desires,
my fears.
And you hold them in Your hand.
You tell me to cling to You
with all that is in me.
Drown out the voices,
the constant chatter,
the never-ending noise
of the devil and his world.
To cling to You.
With all that is in me.
Holding nothing back.
Run to You,
lean on You.
Please carry me,
hold me,
love me.
I am Yours.
Be mine.

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