My birthday week celebrations kicked off on Monday night with dinner in charming downtown Apex, NC and a JJ Heller concert with my best friend, Kala! It was a small and intimate ladies' night concert at a church in Apex. Kala and I sat on the 3rd row which was awesome. :-)
JJ and her husband Dave are hilarious and simply adorable together! It was enjoyable to hear their stories and heart behind their songs, every one of of which is special, the lyrics are beautiful, and JJ's voice is uniquely lovely. They played several of the songs I know and love already and surprised us with some new ones off their upcoming album that's releasing later this month (love her new song, "Sound of a Living Heart").
The song I most hoped they'd play was "Your Hands." This is one of three songs I played at Lily Katherine's Celebration of Life Service in March 2010. I was so excited when they played it. They talked about the story behind it which was so neat to hear about. I couldn't keep the tears from falling as the melody and words took me right back to the time "when my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands. Your hands that shaped the world are holding me, they hold me still." The song is bittersweet and felt like the perfect thing to play at Lily's beautiful service. Hearing JJ rock that harmonica = amazing. Listen to "Your Hands" below or by clicking HERE.
Because of my connection to this song, it made the concert that much sweeter. I only wish I could have met JJ afterwards to tell her how much that song (and all her songs) mean to me. The only song I really wish they had played is "Olivianna" about a baby girl who is with Lily in Heaven. What an amazing evening that is now a treasured memory, a true gift from the Lord!
I found the perfect necklace at the merchandise table that I had to get, with lyrics on it from "Your Hands."
When Kala and I parked in downtown Apex, we pulled up right beside a charming store called.... Lilly's! It's so cute and obviously, I love the name and logo (only, they spelled it wrong). ;-)
You may remember that for Lily's 5th birthday on March 16 this year, my mom and I donated 5 comfort boxes to the hospital where she was born <--- click on link to read more about that. I had been working on the boxes for a loong time and knew it was time to finally take them. I see now how it was all in the Lord's perfect timing (as things always are).
Part of the reason why I hadn't taken the boxes yet was because it was nerve-wracking to think of going back to the place where Lily was born, the place that holds many painful memories for my family. Also, I didn't even know how to go about donating the boxes, who to contact and what not. How it happened was I talked with my friend Bonnie who leads the Covered in Love infant loss support group I go to, and donates blankets to the same hospital where Lily was born, to be given to families experiencing the loss of a baby. I asked who she is in contact with at the hospital to do that and she put me in touch with a lovely nurse named Sandra who is involved with bereavement care at the hospital. I texted Sandra several weeks before Lily's birthday and asked if donating the boxes was something I could do. She was so kind and compassionate from the first text message she sent me and made me feel like they would greatly appreciate the boxes. So, I got the approval for each item I selected and sent her photos and an explanation for why I was including each thing I chose. She set up a meeting in a conference room for my mom, sister-in-law, and I to bring the boxes on Lily's birthday. I wanted to go on that specific day, which made it that much more special, but of course also meant it was that much more emotional. I wasn't expecting there to be several nurses in the room waiting for me to share my boxes with them. What an honor that was and how special it made Lily's day. My mom and I were also able to share about our experience at the hospital when Lily was born there. And we were able to visit the room where Lily was born since nobody was in there at that time, which was extremely healing for me.
here are my mom and I (Kala not pictured)
with the nurses at the hospital on Lily's birthday
Since I took the boxes, God has opened up more doors for me to get involved in the perinatal bereavement program at the hospital. I think that before this time on my road of healing, I wouldn't have been emotionally ready to be involved in this program, nor would I have the desire to go back to that hospital regularly. It would have been too painful and draining. But God knew when I would be ready and had it all planned out for how I'd get in contact with Sandra through Bonnie and have these doors opened up. He had it all in the palm of His hands. Sandra contacted me earlier in the summer and asked if I'd like to come to the bereavement committee's monthly meeting at the beginning of August. We had discussed me getting involved more when I went on Lily's birthday. I of course was honored that she would ask and eager to go. The meeting was last Monday morning. I ended up being at the hospital for 4 hours! The meeting was held in the same conference room that we were in on Lily's birthday. It was nice to see Sandra again, as well as other nurses that were there on March 16th. Sandra asked if I knew a lady named Heather, who is a local loss mom. I told her that yes, I did! It was neat to see my friend there that I wasn't expecting to see. I've known Heather since I first started attending one of my local infant loss support groups, just a couple months after Lily was born and died. Heather's daughter, Addison, would be turning 6 next month, so she was born about half a year before Lily. It's hard to believe they would both be starting Kindergarten this year. :-( I've been to visit Addison's spot a few times. It is only about 20-25 minutes from my house. It was so interesting that this was the first meeting Heather had been to, which "just so happened" to be the first official meeting I went to. We both agree that it was in the timing it was meant to be. I am impressed with the staff of nurses at the hospital. They are genuinely concerned about caring for their patients experiencing the loss of a baby in the best way possible. They want to know what they can change to better and more sensitively care for their patients emotional and physical needs.Heather and I were able to share our own experiences of delivering at the hospital, what we appreciated, what we wish could have been different, and so forth. They were going over the policy on caring for patients and we shared so much of our hearts and experiences. It meant a lot to me to feel heard and like my birth is validated and important. A couple things we discussed were the importance of taking photos, and gathering keepsake items, such as taking baby's handprints along with footprints as standard protocol (instead of only footprints. I had to ask for Lily's handprints and don't even know now why I did, but of course am so glad I did. I believe it was the Lord's leading). The hospital is also creating a beautiful memorial garden and is doing a year-long follow-up program for those who've lost a baby, which is amazing! Instead of going home and being forgotten (or at least feeling that you are), the families will be receiving calls, cards, etc. to let them know their baby is remembered and they are cared about!
We were taken upstairs with a couple nurses after the meeting concluded and were able to see the supply room where they keep the bereavement items. I saw one of my boxes in there (the last one). Anyways, the highlight of the whole meeting for me was hearing how my mom and I sharing our experience with Lily is changing things at the hospital. We (all of us) can make a difference in this world, even in small ways. There is a common symbol that is used by hospitals across the country to alert medical professionals that someone in that room has had a loss. It's a dreadful leaf with a teardrop on it. I think it is important that staff doesn't come waltzing in the room to ask how the baby is when the baby won't be going home. But, that symbol is just so sad and depressing. Yes, it is a sad thing when a baby dies, but it is also an incredible thing that the baby first LIVED and birth is still beautiful. My mom said when she first saw that leaf on my door when I was in labor she wanted to rip it down.
I was told that because of my mom and I sharing our thoughts on this on Lily's birthday, they have decided to change the symbol completely and will no longer be using the leaf! Instead, they will be using a beautiful symbol the hospital created with a heart and butterflies incorporated into it in blue and pink (colors for pregnancy and infant loss awareness). I was shown a few of the options and we all agreed on the best one. And not only will the staff be trained with this new symbol, but they will also be using it on all their bereavement care items. For instance, you'll see below that the only copy of Lily's prints I have is on a paper with that leaf. Now, baby's prints will instead be on a page with the beautiful new logo! I cannot tell you how much this seemingly small thing means to me, to know my girl's life is making a difference in this world, including at the hospital where she was born. She's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself, and I do. :'-)
Not only is the logo changing, but the butterfly will be a new theme, like I used in my comfort boxes. One of the nurses found a butterfly necklace with a pearl for the parents.
I'm looking forward to getting more involved and seeing what God has in store! *Update: To see the final new logo, click HERE.
I have been thinking a lot about something God used to change my life in August 2009. If you are familiar with my story, you know that when I was pregnant with Lily, I was planning on having an abortion and even scheduled the appointment at Planned Parenthood for August 15th, 2009. I was too many weeks into pregnancy to have the medical abortion (RU486 pill) so was doing some research online to see what sort of abortion procedure I would be getting and what to expect.
In the midst of my research, I was horrified to read about the surgical abortion procedures. By the Lord's leading, I came across stories of men and women who had formerly been involved in the abortion industry, but after God changing their hearts and lives, they became passionately pro-life. I read stories of brokenhearted men and women who regret their decision to abort their unborn child. I also came across stories of those who chose life and adoption for their child. I pored over these stories and wept over them.
The testimony that stands out most vividly in my mind is that of Dr. Bernard Nathanson, who was an American doctor and co-founder of the NARAL (National Association for the Repeal of Abortion Laws). He was one of the people that most passionately spoke our for abortion before it was legalized, and then he became passionately pro-life. The development of ultrasound in the 1970s helped change his mind that the unborn are human beings, worthy of protection and life. He even performed an abortion on his own unborn child, along with ending the lives of thousands of other unborn babies. :-(
BUT our God is a God of redemption. And He can take the darkest and most hopeless stories and make them radiate His light and healing touch. Dr. Nathanson has impacted millions of people around the world with his spoken and written words. Click HERE to read a post shared on The Gospel Coalition blog about Dr. Bernard Nathanson this week.
I wish that I could tell him how much his movie, The Silent Scream, impacted my life. I first saw it in August 2009 and can honestly say, it is in fact partly because of this film that I chose life for Lily. She was close to the same size and gestation of the baby in the film.
Watch The Silent Scream below or by clicking HERE. Note: the video was made in 1984, so it is not the best quality. Also, WARNING: it is graphic, so may be extremely difficult to hear about and watch. But this society must come to a realization of the truth of what abortion is. That's what it took for me.
When I was originally researching abortion because I was planning on getting one, the Lord turned my world upside down by stirring my soul and igniting a passion within me to give a voice to those who have no voice. He opened the eyes of my heart to sense the depth of the darkness of abortion in a way I haven't felt since. I realized how ignorant I had been. He showed me how precious each life is to Him and how He has a unique plan and purpose for everyone. Talk about a 180!
I hope that in sharing what God did in my life in this way, you see that He can move in the most unlikely of ways, in the most unexpected circumstances. He is sovereign and mighty. He is so much more powerful than any darkness in this world. He can use the very thing the enemy means to bring destruction and devastation to our lives and totally and completely turn it around for our good and His glory. I will never stop speaking out about how He rescued me and set me free.
And how He brought me to a 180... through testimonies of men and women who have in some intimate way been impacted by abortion, the people who would seem the most unqualified to be pro-life and speak out against abortion. Yet God truly uses the "unqualified" to bring His purposes to pass on Earth and to showcase His strength! Those of us who have been touched by abortion first-hand need to speak out. Our voices are needed, even if anyone makes you feel like you're unworthy of being heard. We can speak about abortion in a way others cannot.
It's amazing to me the ripple effects that occur when we choose to share. Me seeing Dr. Nathanson's video helped me find the courage to choose life, which in turn began a journey of God awakening my heart to share my own story through speaking and writing. It shows what ripple effects come out of our sharing, when one person is impacted and then they go on to impact more people, and so on and so forth. Never feel like you cannot make a difference in this world for life because you most certainly can!
I can only hope and pray that a woman who finds herself in an unplanned pregnancy, like I was in 6 years ago at this time, will also be searching the internet, googling terms having to do with abortion, and will find her way here to my blog. I hope that even if she never writes to me or makes it known, that somehow my words and the lives of Luke and Lily, will show her that choosing LIFE is always the better way. The internet is a powerful tool that can be wielded for good or bad. I pray that the Lord will lead many people in crisis to stories like that of Dr. Bernard Nathanson, Jill Stanek, Abby Johnson, etc. And please continue to share these stories on social media and with those you know because you never know who needs to hear them, and who will remember them when a crisis pregnancy comes knocking.
Here is a Jill Stanek video that I also remember watching in August 2009 (along with researching partial birth abortion).
I want to share a sweet story from a few days ago... *Lady in checkout line at store: Wow, is that a baby's actual handprint (referring to my necklace from My Forever Child?! *Me (with a smile on my face and in my heart): Yes, yes it is. It's my daughter Lily's. :-) It's not often I get to feel like a "normal" mom, but this was one of those rare and precious moments where I felt like the proud mama of one amazing, wonderful, real, and loved little girl. I love when people ask me about my handprint and footprint necklaces. Also, I cannot recommend My Forever Child more!
I know that the true intentions of someone's heart and words can be lost in the "online world." When you can't see the love and grace in their eyes and can't hear the tone of their voice, it can be easy to misinterpret what they mean. Because there are a lot of people in "internet land" that don't know me "in real life," and we can't sit across from each other in a coffee shop, sharing our hearts and stories, I want to clear a few things up. I would assume that because I am post-abortive myself that people would know I don't hate post-abortive women. How could I? But apparently that is not the case. So just to be clear: I may post on the topic of abortion more often than you would like. I get that it's an awkward, heated, and sometimes painful thing to think on and discuss. But you see, I can't stay silent about it because I've seen the truth of how it devastates people's lives. I hate abortion. I hate Planned Parenthood and what they do. But I *DO NOT* hate women/post-abortive women (I am one, remember). I *DO NOT* hate the people performing abortions and those who work in Planned Parenthood facilities across the country. Don't believe everything you hear about the "extremists" who only want to bomb abortion clinics and kill the ones performing abortions. That is not true Christianity. I hate abortion, but I love everyone touched by abortion. And because I love them, I want them to know the truth about abortion. For the ones who have already had abortions, or those who are involved with it, know it isn't too late for you. And if anyone makes you feel like it is, know they don't represent the Jesus of the Bible. He came to rescue sinners and to bring freedom, redemption, and restoration. I get how you're feeling because I too have been made to feel that somehow my sins are too big to be within the bounds of God's mercy and grace, as if abortion is in a class of sin all its own. And I get that it's painful to see the undercover videos being released recently on Planned Parenthood. I can hardly bear it that I gave PP $350 to end my own child's life. Sometimes we have to face what we've done and realize there's grace even in that. For anything I've ever said/written/posted that has made you feel judge or condemned, even though unintentionally, I'm sorry. Being pro-life means being pro-EVERY-life: for the babies, the moms, the dads, the doctors, the nurses, etc. I am not primarily *against* abortion, but rather I'm *for* life, freedom, victory, joy, hope, redemption, and grace. I cannot remain silent... For the many women I've come in contact with over the last few years who were betrayed by the lie of "choice," the women who have sent countless messages and emails back and forth with me, sharing the grief that only mothers who've regretfully chosen abortion have experienced, the women who remember my child on that dreadful day, February 6th, and who I remember their child with them. For Lily and Luke, who cannot speak for themselves, but I have the honor of speaking for them. And for the other little ones in the womb, the ones without a voice, but with a beating heart, proof of life. If abortion has touched your life personally, I am here for you if you need a listening ear and someone to pray with you. Some resources I recommend: -Project Rachel -Silent No More Awareness -The Life Ballet If you'd like to share any other resources for post-abortive mothers to let them know they are not alone, please feel free to post in the comments.
I'm preparing for something similar to what I was preparing for 4 years ago around this very time of year. Let me back up... I am currently a Liberty University student, and am scheduled to graduate next spring. Finishing up my degree (I'm pursuing my B.S. in Psychology/Crisis Counseling with a Minor in Christian Counseling) has been my biggest priority at this point in my life and I haven't thought much about what will happen in my life beyond that, besides the general idea of what I want to pursue for a job and ministry. I'm trusting God will guide me step-by-step. Because of being busy with classes, even being currently enrolled in a summer class that will wrap up soon, I wasn't thinking of doing anything else before I graduate. As many of you know, I had the blessing of going through the Basic Training at Ellerslie Leadership Training in Colorado for 9 weeks in the fall of 2011. Here's a photo of the Fall 2011 Ellerslie Epsilon Class (I miss these people! There's me in the front center in a pink sweater):
Ever since that precious season growing in the Lord with other people who have become some of my dearest friends, I have felt that my time there wasn't complete. Ellerslie offers a 7-week Advanced Training for those who have completed Basic. Initially, I wanted to go back for Advanced a month after my Basic wrapped up, after the Christmas season. However, I unfortunately was diagnosed with Mononucleosis and it wasn't possible for me to go. It's all in God's timing. Side note: I highly suggest checking out what Ellerslie is all about! :-) In May of this year, God was leading me through some personal things that I needed to deal with. I didn't immediately do what I knew He was asking me to do, which needed repenting of. At that point in my life, I honestly felt a lack of direction and was quite frustrated and discouraged. It reminds me of a quote I read by Terri Foy: "God will not advance your instructions beyond your last act of disobedience." I was not obeying God and my instructions were not being made clear beyond what I needed to do first. I had to choose to obey Him, no matter the cost, and I felt Him showing me that He would reveal to me the next step of my journey after I was obedient. I wrote in my journal on May 14th: "One thing I prayed was that I would be willing to do whatever You asked of me, no matter what it is or how much it hurts. I knew You would even have to give me the desire to do it and then the grace and strength to go through with it." In May, by God's grace and guidance, I did what He was asking me to do (for the sake of this blog post, it's not important for me to share what that was, but I can say that it was a pretty big deal for me spiritually). As soon as I did obey Him, I felt a deep sense of freedom and peace. I also felt a stirring within me for something different. It's hard to explain, but I knew that a change was coming... some sort of new adventure with Jesus. :-) It's incredible for me to look back and see how in each step, even when I didn't see God's hand, that He was working behind the scenes. On May 16th, I wrote in my journal: "I got this strong impression in my spirit that I should go to Ellerslie Advanced this fall." I vividly remember what I was doing that day and how this long-buried dream of Ellerslie was brought to the forefront of my mind, as if it was planted there by God Himself. It came out of nowhere because as I said, it was not something I was considering since I am in college and I honestly didn't think it would be feasible, so there was no point in thinking about it in the first place. Literally just a couple days after I obeyed what the Lord was asking me to do, I got marching orders for the next step in my journey, something that I was not expecting. But, as I said, I did feel that I would one day be going back to Ellerslie, but I didn't know when, why, or how exactly. So many things in my personal life were pointing to this being the next step for me. It is actually quite amazing how it all works out so perfectly and how the Lord placed the idea in my mind and showed me that it could indeed work out. You see, it's somewhat complicated, but to try to explain, my school semesters are broken up into two 8-week segments, rather than being the full 16 weeks. So... because of this, I would be taking off the first 8 weeks of classes during the fall semester in order to go to Ellerslie (it would be way too busy for me to do both at once). Ellerslie Advanced will start up in August (literally the day I'd fly out would be the day my class ends) and wrap up in October (shortly before the second 8-week of the semester classes begin). I would be arriving home just two days before I am scheduled to fly out to Michigan for a couple days to speak at an event. I realized that with timing and scheduling, it could work... but I felt hesitant about going if it would change my graduation date. How could that work? Well, because I took a couple of courses this summer, and because my mom told me about something she did when she was in college, I realized after looking into it that I could still graduate and participate in the Commencement Ceremony next May, as long as I had 6 or less credits left to complete at that time. I would have exactly 6 left (the 6 I would be taking this fall). I would need to finish those classes next summer before they'd mail me my diploma, which really isn't a problem. But what about financial aid, I wondered? Well, the financial aid would distribute accordingly, half this fall, and the other half next summer instead. I know these are a lot of details, but I want to share them to show how God has been intimately involved, even in the smallest of details! I believe God has shown me NOW is the time for me to go back to Ellerslie. He is so faithful to guide our lives! It also happens to be the last opportunity for me to go. They will be changing the program. This is literally the last time they'll be offering the 7-week program. The time length that it is currently is much more convenient for me at this point in my life (it used to last several months). Not only that, but after I graduate, I will most likely be working full-time, and wouldn't be able to take those weeks off anyways. Over the weeks after I initially felt like I am supposed to go back, I prayed, journaled, and earnestly sought the Lord about it. I wanted to make sure it was His will for my life and not just something I dreamed up for myself.
During this time, I listened to a particular song by Sara Groves called "Hello Lord" on repeat. It expresses many things I was feeling. Here are the lyrics (you can listen to it below or by clicking here).
Hello Lord, it's me Your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if You have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if You could speak up
I know that You tore the veil
So I could sit with You in person
And hear what You're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear You.
I don't doubt Your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what You're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if You could speak up
I know that You tore the veil
So I could sit with You in person
And hear what You're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear You.
And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think You are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from You
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on You
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if You could speak up
I know that You tore the veil
So I could sit with You in person
And hear what You're saying but
Right now, I think You're whispering
I read a post I wrote about how God led me to Ellerslie the first time and how He provided for me in such beautiful ways. I wrote in my journal on May 30th: "I felt led to read my post about my journey to Ellerslie. I am encouraged afresh and amazed at Your love and faithfulness and how You've led my life thus far. It's incredible how You can grow my faith now in reading about how You grew it 4 years ago." I carefully weighed all the pros and cons of going (honestly some of the cons were reasons to go. ha!). I considered my motives for wanting to go. I prayed for peace and guidance and for all the details to be made clear. I didn't want to rush into a decision. I was able to talk with a couple friends about their experience at Ellerslie Advanced which really helped in my decision-making (thanks Karen and April!) :-) Ultimately, I decided that everything is falling into place for me to go. And I feel that I would regret in the future if I hadn't gone, but I don't feel I would regret going. I am single and want to view this time in my life as a gift, fully soaking up all sorts of adventures! In June, I felt confirmation that it was time to apply. I remember the first time I went to Ellerslie and how I just knew that I was meant to go and at that specific time. I wanted that same sort of confirmation this time around. I waited before the Lord and He showed me when it was time to apply. So, I applied and then waited a while longer, then went through the interview process, then got accepted. And now this week, the very week that the tuition payment is due in full, the money came through (further confirmation I'm supposed to go). And I found an amazing deal on a plane ticket! In less than 3 weeks from now, Lord willing, I will be leaving for Colorado for 7 1/2 weeks. I am excited, I am expectant, I am certain this is what I'm meant to do. If my Shepherd leads me somewhere, I trust He will provide everything I need. I will be spending a few days with my dear friend, Bex, before things officially get underway on the little campus in Windsor. I really am looking forward to that as well. :-) I'm not sure why the Lord is taking me back to Ellerslie now after all this time, but He is. Colorado, I'm coming for you and the new(ish) adventure the Lord has planned for me out west. Can't wait to be greeted by warm, friendly faces and those majestic Rocky Mountains. :-)
