Dear, sweet baby,
At times, I already feel like I can smell your sweet baby smell. I can almost feel you in my arms, deeply drinking in those first few moments. The first moments our faces meet. Will they be full of tears? Silence? How can I already love you this much? Someone that is only a dream...a hope. Not a promise. Or a given. Someone that will be my rainbow after the storm.
Do you know I already dream of names for you? And think of how special it would be to have rainbows be your nursery theme? :-)
What will it be like when I see that little stick show positive and it fill me with only happiness?
When I first hold you, what will it be like? Will I love you the same as I love Lily? Somehow I know in my heart I will. Somehow I know that first moment will be just as this whole journey has been and will continue to be. Sorrow mixed with joy. Celebration and melancholy. Sorrow because I never got to know your big sister in that way. Joy because I have you! I sometimes worry if I will have enough love to give. But I know that's just a silly thought.
How will I answer when others ask that dreaded question, "Is this your first?" Will I say yes, because I don't want to have to explain everything? Or will I say no, there was a little girl who came before. Would I be in a place where I am comfortable enough to say no? I cannot imagine that ever being so. Yet, I know, no matter what my answer is, Lily will be the first child of my heart. Always. Though I never got to look in her eyes. Though everything past day one that I experience with you will be my first. Not my first baby, but my first time experiencing everything past the womb and hospital.
You will be a part of Lily. She will always be your big sister. I want so much for her to be a part of your life. Our lives. Forever. What will March 16th be like when you come? What will I tell you about your sister? How will be incorporate her into daily happenings? Will I have to teach you how to love her?...or will you simply know?
Will there always be that empty place that only she was meant to fill? Will there be that hole in your heart, because you weren't meant to be the eldest? I picture future family photos and realize those portraits will never be complete. There will always be a special someone missing from them. A piece of my heart left with this special someone. Yet, she is still here. I carry her with me. Will you carry her with you?
|Painting by Anne Packard|
For now I will go on loving the dream of you. Though I can't see your face, though I don't know your name, whether you're a boy or girl, or anything else about you. I know that you are loved already. I know that you will heal my heart in so many ways. I will go on hoping that you aren't just a dream. And one day, you will look into my eyes, as I gaze back into yours...something I never got to do with your sister. And so many parts of my heart will sob and sing at the same time. Do you know how much I long for that moment?
I know He already knows your name. He knows the plans He has for your life. He knows it all. I don't know how long until we meet. How long until I am given the most beautiful gift of having a child grow within once again...yet I know when that day comes, it will be worth all the waiting. And all the tears. It will be a true taste of Heaven on earth. It will be glorious.
I love you, my healing baby. My future. My gift from the Lord. My beautiful rainbow.
Until we meet,
Until we meet,
The meaning of a "rainbow baby":
The understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color and hope.