When I got home last Thursday night, there was a package waiting for me. My mom had actually called me while I was out and told me something very special had arrived, but I waited until I got home to see what the surprise was.
I opened the package to find the most beautiful white lilies inside. Anything to do with lilies makes my heart melt, especially when others think to send me something to honor my daughter. This definitely caught me off guard. I had a couple guesses as to who the flowers could be from. But, when I looked at the little card, I was surprised yet again. I read this:
Thinking of you and your little ones, and marveling at the beautiful testimony that the Lord is continuing to weave through each of your lives, this Mother's Day. "...to give them beauty for ashes, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness...that He might be glorified." -Isaiah 61:3 ~Much love in Jesus, Your Ellerslie Sister, Kate
My heart just smiled. :-) To know someone was thinking of and remembering me and my babies during Mother's Day week. I have found that the people I'd most expect to remember don't and those that I least expect to, do. The lilies sat on the kitchen counter for days where they were enjoyed by my entire family. Then, I brought them up to my room and there they still sit. It is amazing how long they have stayed beautiful! As I write this, they are looking lovely over on my dresser. A couple of them are still pure white. :-)
The next day, I got a letter in the mail from Kate. It is one of the most precious letters I've ever received. She shared with me how she had been her mom's "rainbow baby" and how she's always felt a connection with those that have lost children. She has been following the blog of one of my favorite blogger friends for two years! She realized when she got home and looked up my blog that she had already read my story before going to Ellerslie! Isn't it just incredible how the Lord works and connects hearts?
Kate, thank you so much for being so thoughtful and kind. I look forward to getting to know you more over the coming years. I wish we had more time to get to know each other while at Ellerslie. But, it's all in His perfect timing. These lilies say more to me than you could know...they say I am a mother.
Lilies because of my Lily.
White lilies, symbolizing my pure Lily Katherine.
Lilies that gently remind me of the faithfulness and love of my Jesus. They truly are a gift from Him. He has shown me that I have been looking to human acknowledgement for my joy. But it doesn't matter if nobody in the world recognizes me as a mother today or any day. For He does.
And even though I have barely anything tangible to show for my motherhood, I have a heart that's been changed. My entire life and future has been changed. Others hearts are being changed and brought to The Light.
And though my sweet girl isn't blooming here, my love for her only continues to bloom on earth and one day, we will be reunited for all eternity.
For now, I cling to the hope I have. For now, it is enough to know she is more alive than I could ever be here. Than she could have ever been here. A little girl that never took a breath on earth is more alive than you and I...
I will leave you with a dream that Kate shared with me that she had a few weeks ago. I pray that this dream will comfort other mothers whose precious children live with Jesus. Thank You, Lord, for this dream. When Lily was born, right away I knew she looked just like me. Everyone else said so too. And somehow in my mother heart, I know she had blue eyes. Maybe this dream will one day truly happen when we get to Heaven.
Lord, thank You for giving me a glimpse of my blue-eyed daughter of Heaven...
"I have thought of you often since being home, and have continued to check up on your blog pretty frequently, but was still surprised when I had a dream about you a few weeks ago.
It was short, and was one of those dreams that truly feel like a dream because it was so peaceful and beautiful. You and I were just sitting in chairs next to each other in a living room somewhere. And Lily was there. I don't remember you or I saying a word to each other, we just smiled and laughed and watched Lily. She wasn't a baby, she actually looked like the just barely two year old that she should be. All I remember is that she had really sweet wispy blond hair, and gorgeous blue eyes. And I knew she was Lily; she truly did look just like a little mini you. It seemed so completely natural that she was there with you, as she would run playfully around the room, and then straight back to you again. She was absolutely beautiful, Hannah Rose, and she definitely knew that you were her momma. That was pretty much all, except that right before I woke up, she looked up at me and smiled, and from that moment I knew that I was supposed to remember this dream and share it with you.
It made something I had remembered reading on your blog very real - that while she only got to be a little Lily-bud here, she is most definitely blooming with life in Jesus. That even when little hearts seem to stop on Earth, they never miss a beat in the Heavenly realm. What I feel most strongly when I think of it is that - Lily is alive. Vibrantly alive. And that you are mother to an adorable, blond-haired, blue-eyed, Lily, and little Luke too, and you always will be. Even though you're missing them now, eternity awaits."
I like to think that when Lily smiled up at Kate in the dream, she was smiling down on us from Heaven. A smile that says, just wait until you get Home. You could never imagine how beautiful it is...
"A tiny flower, lent not given, to bud on earth and bloom in Heaven..."