On October 17th, my mom, sister-in-law, and I participated in the first NC Tears Foundation Rock & Walk! It was a beautiful day.
The Tears Foundation offers financial assistance to those experiencing infant loss. We walked for our Lily girl. It means a lot that they want to be a part of such things with me for her.
I was thankful I could be there because the walk was originally scheduled for October 3rd and I was in Colorado on that date and thought I would miss it, but with all the rain, it was rescheduled for the 17th. It worked out perfectly on time, because I got back from Colorado early in the week, went to speak in Michigan, and then got home the day before the walk.
Because I didn't know I would be able to be at the walk, I was unable to get Lily's name on the back of the t-shirt, get her name in the program, or on one of the butterflies lining the walking path. I am just thankful I was able to be there and besides, there's always next year! An event like this has been missing in the Raleigh area, which is surprising since it's the capital city.
Now get ready for picture overload. :)
Kala, me, my mom
my friend, Ashelyn
my friend, Morgan
my friend, Bonnie, who started Covered in Love, one of the local infant loss support groups in my area
my mom wore her "Lily" necklace she made... and I wore my Lily's handprint necklace
My grandmother decorated her great-granddaughter's spot for Christmas and used her new iPhone to take beautiful pictures to send to me. :) Didn't she arrange it so cute with the tree up there by the lamb?
When it comes to Lily, I can be a perfectionist with how *I* want things to be. But in this case, even if it's not exactly how I'd do it, it makes me so happy to know Bumma did it, out of love for me and for Lily. That means much more to me than any "just right" arrangement of decorations.
I sent these flowers. Everything else was decor used last Christmas that was still in good shape to be used again.
I wasn't able to post on the day, but October 1st was Luke's should-have-been due date. He would have most likely turned 6 sometime around that time.
It is all difficult to wrap my mind around... How different things could have gone and my life could have looked depending on many factors. Sometimes I think about it all.
For instance, if I had never turned away from Christ and rebelled, what would my passion and ministry focus be?
If I had not had the abortion, I would know my child's gender, name, face, personality, etc. It wouldn't be based upon a feeling, a dream, or a guess. I would have a 6-year-old... most likely. I say that because who knows if my baby could have been miscarried or stillborn, among other possibilities of loss. Would I have chosen to place him for adoption or parented?
When I went to the pregnancy center banquet in Virginia with my grandmother last month, they were talking about the abortion pill reversal and how more doctors know about it now and can help mothers who have taken the first pill, but have changed their mind and don't want the abortion to be completed. They even showed a young woman who they were able to help, in a picture with her healthy baby born, saved from the RU486 pill... that same dreadful little pill that I took on February 6th and 7th 2009. It was a 2-day process. When I heard them talk about this and saw that picture, I wondered about what if I had known about that option? Would I have potentially chosen it? I thought it was too late after that first pill. Seeing that baby in the photo was a reminder that Luke was a real baby, a child that only needed nurturing and protection in order to grow. Who would my own child have been? I cannot even explain the complexity of thoughts and feelings when it comes to my grief over Luke.
Because I got pregnant with Lily when I would have been still pregnant with Luke, she never would have existed. If I had chosen life for Luke as I should have, Lily wouldn't be. I can't wish Lily away, yet I also can't not regret having the abortion. And if Lily had lived, parenting her would make my life completely different than it is. What if she had lived and I had placed her for adoption?
See what I mean... the path could have taken so many different directions. I have to trust... I have to believe that I am on the path God has for me. He is leading me and guiding me. He knew everything that would happen, the things in my control and out of my control. The things I wish I could now change and the things I wouldn't. He knows it all, sees it all, and has a plan and purpose in it all. I try not to think about these things because I cannot change any of it, yet the thoughts have crossed my mind as I've wondered the "what ifs."
I was at Ellerslie this year on October 1st and saw the most stunning sunset over the lake with the mountain backdrop. It was a gift from Jesus and a reminder that my precious babe is in a place where there is no hurting or pain, a place where he doesn't even know why he's not here. I stood for many long peaceful moments and watched the sunset unfold, a glorious display from my creative Heavenly Father. It looked like a peek into Heaven!
I mentioned to my roommates that day what the date means to me because I had shared my story with them. Angie was so sweet and wrote a message for me to find on the mirror on that day.
kinda fuzzy... but it says "Happy Birthday Precious Luke Shiloh"
and it has a smiley face and a heart with Lily's name on the left side :)
Each year on October 1st, I listen to this song (email subscribers click HERE). I'm not saying I agree with everything said in the song, but I still think it's powerful and effective.
*Read a post I wrote about Luke this summer that I didn't publish until recently by clicking here.
Each year in Lily's honor for Christmas, my mom and I take part in something such as Operation Christmas Child (which is what we did in 2012 and 2013). You can read a post I wrote about that by clicking here.
Then last year, we gave towards a gift for a baby shower my friend Stacy was hosting for a high-school student, which you can read about by clicking here (I actually just published this blog post today because I never got around to sharing it before now, so if you want to read it for the first time follow the link).
We can't shop for our own little daughter/granddaughter who would be 5, but we can pour love out on another 5-year-old girl. So whoever you are sweet child, I pray your Christmas is a bit brighter... because of Lily.
with the outfit we selected for a sweet 5-year-old girl
John 3:16 was on the card... the same Scripture reference on Lily's stone because her birthday is 3:16 (March 16)
On another note, I found some photos and a video of my grandmother and I at Lily's special spot last December sharing about her stocking, so if you'd like to see those things, you can see the updated post about her stocking by clicking here.
I enjoy getting snail mail... like a lot. So when I was at Ellerslie, my mom told me to be looking out for a package. She said she was sending something my friends and I could enjoy together.
When the package arrived, I opened it to find red-velvet tea. The box made a cute decoration in our room and we did enjoy the tea.
the tea with Lily's hand and footprint - the little piece of her I took with me to CO :)
But what made this gift special to me was because I know why my mom selected it. She knows that red-velvet anything makes me think of Lily. I had a Valentine's-themed baby shower with red-velvet cake. Stemming from that, it is now a tradition for us to have red-velvet cake or cupcakes each year on Lily's birthday in her honor. Anything that reminds me of her is significant to me.
I was touched by my mom's thoughtfulness in this gift. :)
I can truly say that some of the best days in my life thus far were spent while at Ellerslie this fall.
One of those days was on September 5th when our class took a trip to Lily Lake in Estes Park, Colorado. As my Aussie roomie described it in her lovely accent, it was the "best day evah!" ;)
me at Lily Lake showing my "Lily" tattoo next to the "Lily" sign... I wore my shirt with lilies on it :)
Part of what made it stand out was how it tied back to another precious day back in the fall of 2011... I was at my Basic Ellerslie Semester and had been there for about a week. I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to attend a candlelight service or do anything special to mark October 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a significant date to me. At that point in the semester, nobody knew about my Lily yet.
Jesus truly cares about the smallest details of our lives and about showing us His love. I had no idea that He had that entire day planned out. We ended up going to Lily Lake that day. And I was able to share the story of my little flower on the car ride on the way back to campus and why it was special to not only go to Lily Lake, but also on that particular day. That's a treasured memory.
Now fast forward to this year and my Advanced Ellerslie Semester. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I am a big "dates person." I remember like every date for everything. September 5th was the date I wrote in an email 6 years ago to my friend Bex that I felt God had revealed to me I was carrying a baby girl named Lily. God had whispered to my heart, when I was still in my first trimester of pregnancy, that my baby was a girl and that her name was Lily! Her gender and name were never any question in my mind. I simply knew from the start because God showed me.
He knew everything that would happen between that date in 2009 and that date in 2015. He knew how He'd give me her name that year and then take me to Lily Lake this year. And September 6th, the next day, was Stillbirth Remembrance Day. I was able to share yet again this year on the car ride home the story of my Lily because the gals asked me to. I also played for them Lily's song. I can't explain what a gift it is for me when others want to hear her story. It was dear beyond description and such a time of fellowship with sisters in Christ. Jesus was near. Two days at Lily Lake 4 years apart and a reminder from my precious Lord how much He loves me and how He never forgets my girl, her life, her purpose, her legacy.
with the gals I spent the entire day with
from left to right (Angie, Lissy *they were my 2 roomies,* Stephanie & Olga)
we had fun hiking and picnicking with the other students
on top of the mountain
Lily Lake is literally breathtakingly beautiful. Here are some photos I took that day on our hike and walk around the lake...
We spent time in downtown Estes Park... shopping, a stop at a coffee shop, and dinner. During this entire day, I kept thinking how special it was and how I knew I would look back on it with fondness. God is so good to me, to bless me with such amazing sisters in Christ, to take me on incredible adventures where I get to see more of the country and His beautiful creation, and where I get to learn more about Him and share my little girl with more people.
I am so undeserving of the life He has given me...
the sunset in Estes Park that evening before we left
Last month, the local pregnancy center I'm involved with had an event called "Coffee with Pam Tebow." We had yummy coffee and breakfast treats as we enjoyed sweet fellowship celebrating the 10 years the pregnancy center has been open and saving babies. What Mrs. Tebow shared was beautiful and it was a blessing to meet her afterwards and share a bit about my Lily girl.
my mom and I meeting Pam Tebow
with my dear friend who is an amazing nurse
Pam Tebow speaking
the event was held at a beautiful venue
table centerpiece
pretty outdoor patio area
The volunteers and staff were given beautiful flower bouquets. I had mine on my desk for weeks and they looked lovely the entire time. Unfortunately, I forgot to photograph them when they were fresh.
