Sunday, December 6, 2015

Wondering the "What Ifs"

I wasn't able to post on the day, but October 1st was Luke's should-have-been due date. He would have most likely turned 6 sometime around that time.

It is all difficult to wrap my mind around... How different things could have gone and my life could have looked depending on many factors. Sometimes I think about it all.

For instance, if I had never turned away from Christ and rebelled, what would my passion and ministry focus be?

If I had not had the abortion, I would know my child's gender, name, face, personality, etc. It wouldn't be based upon a feeling, a dream, or a guess. I would have a 6-year-old... most likely. I say that because who knows if my baby could have been miscarried or stillborn, among other possibilities of loss. Would I have chosen to place him for adoption or parented?

When I went to the pregnancy center banquet in Virginia with my grandmother last month, they were talking about the abortion pill reversal and how more doctors know about it now and can help mothers who have taken the first pill, but have changed their mind and don't want the abortion to be completed. They even showed a young woman who they were able to help, in a picture with her healthy baby born, saved from the RU486 pill... that same dreadful little pill that I took on February 6th and 7th 2009. It was a 2-day process. When I heard them talk about this and saw that picture, I wondered about what if I had known about that option? Would I have potentially chosen it? I thought it was too late after that first pill. Seeing that baby in the photo was a reminder that Luke was a real baby, a child that only needed nurturing and protection in order to grow. Who would my own child have been? I cannot even explain the complexity of thoughts and feelings when it comes to my grief over Luke.

Because I got pregnant with Lily when I would have been still pregnant with Luke, she never would have existed. If I had chosen life for Luke as I should have, Lily wouldn't be. I can't wish Lily away, yet I also can't not regret having the abortion. And if Lily had lived, parenting her would make my life completely different than it is. What if she had lived and I had placed her for adoption?

See what I mean... the path could have taken so many different directions. I have to trust... I have to believe that I am on the path God has for me. He is leading me and guiding me. He knew everything that would happen, the things in my control and out of my control. The things I wish I could now change and the things I wouldn't. He knows it all, sees it all, and has a plan and purpose in it all. I try not to think about these things because I cannot change any of it, yet the thoughts have crossed my mind as I've wondered the "what ifs."

I was at Ellerslie this year on October 1st and saw the most stunning sunset over the lake with the mountain backdrop. It was a gift from Jesus and a reminder that my precious babe is in a place where there is no hurting or pain, a place where he doesn't even know why he's not here. I stood for many long peaceful moments and watched the sunset unfold, a glorious display from my creative Heavenly Father. It looked like a peek into Heaven!

I mentioned to my roommates that day what the date means to me because I had shared my story with them. Angie was so sweet and wrote a message for me to find on the mirror on that day.

kinda fuzzy... but it says "Happy Birthday Precious Luke Shiloh"
and it has a smiley face and a heart with Lily's name on the left side :)

Each year on October 1st, I listen to this song (email subscribers click HERE). I'm not saying I agree with everything said in the song, but I still think it's powerful and effective.

*Read a post I wrote about Luke this summer that I didn't publish until recently by clicking here.


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