Thursday, December 24, 2015

Waiting Between Missing and Longing

I know this sounds awful, but I have honestly not been looking forward to Christmas Day this year. I feel stuck in the waiting between missing and longing... what I mean by that is my life constantly feels like I'm waiting for something *more* to happen. I miss Lily so much at Christmas. And I long for a family of my own to spend Christmas with.

I wish my girl were here for what would be her SIXTH Christmas this year. It's hard to believe how many years it's been, yet my heart misses her the same as I wonder who she'd be this December and what gifts I'd be giving her, based on what would have been things she'd like that I'll never know. In the heaviness, I must remind myself she's with the One whom Christmas is all about.


My brother and his wife will be with her family for Christmas. My sister will be spending some of the day with her boyfriend and his family. We aren't going to Virginia for Christmas to be with my grandmother and other extended family. So, it'll just be me, my other brother, and our parents.

For these reasons and others, the missing and the longing feel especially highlighted this Christmas season.

As I have been attending my own little pity party, I came across something I underlined in one of my favorite books called "Glenda's Story: Led by Grace" by Glenda Revell.

She wrote: "Satan gains a foothold when a person believes that those things he desires and for which he longs (but is denied) are "in some mysterious sense, his personal birthright." This explains why holidays are so much more difficult than ordinary days when spent in any type of suffering or pain. If at no other time, don't we deserve to be happy at Christmas? Or on our birthday or anniversary? Satan would have us think so. For at the moment we begin to believe we have a right to something that we have been denied, we become miserable, despondent, and angry."

When I read this, I felt big time convicted. I have been miserable this Christmas season because I am in pain and I feel God is for some reason choosing to withhold from me that which would take away my pain. Don't people deserve to feel happy at Christmas?

I think it's understandable that I am missing and longing, especially during the Christmas season, a time of year that focuses on family and joy.

But in my Christmas-missing-and-longing, I have become consumed with feeling deprived by the God who sent His own Son as a precious baby who would grow up to die on the cross, a ransom for all mankind. That, my friends, is what Christmas is about. It isn't about my happiness or my dreams coming true. It isn't about me getting what I deserve, thank God... because what I deserve is not happiness, a godly husband, and healthy children. What I deserve is hell. But because of the sweet baby named Jesus that was sent all those years ago, I don't get what I deserve. I have the hope and certainty that Lily is safe in the arms of that same Jesus... for eternity. I have the hope of spending eternity with them both. I have the hope for a beautiful future, whether that includes a husband and more children or not. I know it will be beautiful because it will be written by the Author of all things beautiful. I have parents who love me, a cozy home with gifts under an adorable Christmas tree, and siblings who I will celebrate with at some point, even if not on Christmas Day.

I have many, many blessings and they can all be enjoyed because of the baby whose birth we celebrate on Christmas. As I ache this week in the waiting between missing and longing, may I remember Him and choose to keep my gazed fixed on sweet baby Jesus in the manger.

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This post left me:

5 comments:

  1. I so understand this...and I often think of you. With all that we've been facing recently, I've been really tempted to become angry over the timing, and that it's around Christmas time. Christ keeps reminding me over and over that my pain and suffering is the very reason He came. He came to end our pain. And although there IS so much sentimentality to Christmas, and that in itself is just hard, I keep reminding myself that this holiday has become almost bittersweet in its true meaning this year.

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  2. This is Beautiful and it speaks the truth! I love it!

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  3. Very beautifully written. So much Truth in this. Praise God He didn't leave us in our suffering without comfort. Loved the post from last night too about finding joy in His presence. He alone is the comforter of our souls!

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  4. I happened to drop I love this. It made me sad but brought comfort to me.

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  5. Very nicely written. It brought comfort too me.

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