This is something I shared on my blog 2 years ago this month that touched my heart re-reading it, so I want to share it again:
When I was in Charlottesville a couple weeks ago on our girl's trip, my sister, friends, and I went to Kroger to get a few snacks.
This is the same Kroger I went to in the summer of 2009 to get the pregnancy tests that confirmed Lily was on her way. There's currently a lot of construction and changes going on, so it looks very different than how I remember it. I don't think I've even been there since that summer.
I picked out a lovely fresh bouquet of flowers to take to Lily's spot and just felt very sad at how everything turned out, how much I never could have dreamed things would go in the past 5+ years.
From the beginning of Lily's life, getting those pregnancy tests, and all the crazy emotions that came with that.... to the end of Lily's life, getting flowers for her headstone, and all the crazy emotions that come with that.
It also made me think of a poem I wrote this June where the last part says, "That positive sign too soon turned to words etched in stone. It all started with those two lines in June."
Oh, the irony of getting one thing that marked the beginning of her life at the same store that I am now getting another thing that marks the end. That positive sign too soon turned to flowers for a stone.
But you know what the beautiful part in it all is?
The beautiful part is how God changed my heart in the time between that pregnancy test and those flowers... how at first I saw my unborn child as a burden. And how now I see her as a blessing and love her more than anyone in this world. And how I got her a beautiful stone and take her fresh flowers because I love her so much.
The sadness I feel in missing her is even a tribute to how God changes our hearts at the core, and a testimony to the sanctity of each irreplaceable, precious life. 💕💐🎃
It was this month in 2009 that this picture was taken and I wrote the following on this blog (one of my very first posts). I am so thankful to have these words that I wrote during that time. It is a gift to see my perspective at that point and to see just how much God was working in my heart and life.....
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I first heard the song "Little One" yesterday during the ending credits of the new movie, Sarah's Choice, starring Rebecca St. James. I had been eagerly anticipating the release of this movie that portrays a single woman who must make the decision whether she is going to choose life or death for her unborn child. My expectations for this movie were definitely met! In fact, more movies like it need to be made. The story really struck a chord in my own heart because in the story of my own real life, I am dealing with a situation very much like this one. The story is raw and it is powerful and I feel like I understood everything "Sarah" was experiencing.
This song will always be incredibly special to me.
Hush my baby be still inside me
Rest my child all is well
Hush my baby grow inside me
You are safe there my little girl
I can't believe that I would ever think
That you were not to be
But darling mommy feels like a child herself
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
Hush my baby I'm dreaming of you
Wondering just who you'll become
Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved
I can't believe that I could ever think
Of life without you
But darling mommy sometimes feels afraid
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always
Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved
Over the past few months, I have had to make the decision about what "choice" to make with my own unborn child. Then, I realized the choice was never mine to make. God gives and God takes away. I feel like the words to this song truly echo the words that my heart longs to express. How could I have ever lived my whole life without knowing my precious daughter? How could I have gone without ever holding her, kissing her, knowing her? I can't fully explain the joy and peace I feel these days and months that I'm carrying my baby. Feeling her kick and move is unbelievably exciting and amazing! It seems like whenever I try to let someone feel, she always stops! But, my little sister finally felt her kicking last night! Just knowing what is going on inside my body is enough to keep me thinking and pondering forever about God's goodness.
What once seemed to be the thing that would end my life is now one of the reasons that I live. Sure, my life is going to be different now than what I had originally dreamed or anticipated. But, God has so much planned for this little life growing inside me! And so much planned for me! He is already giving me a new vision and new dreams for my life! I now see that being unmarried and pregnant is not a sin in itself, but what got me here was the sin. My baby is not a sin. She is still a blessing and nothing to be ashamed of! I have turned from my sin and walked away, and God is blessing me for that. He is taking a situation the world would look at as horrible and is bringing Himself glory and changing my heart for the better.
My sweet Lily almost never got the chance to live. But, my God saved her! Praise You, Jesus, for changing my heart and saving my child! And God saved me. He is truly an awesome, amazing God with a heart full of love and compassion. God, teach me how to love this baby. Teach me how to be a wonderful mother. Give me Your heart, patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and peace. I feel so inadequate to be entrusted with such a great responsibility! But, I know You alone will give me what I need to get through each new challenge and each new day. And when that day comes, which is soon, that this lily-white princess is born, I will truly be looking into a face showcasing Jesus' love, forgiveness, and redemption. I long for the day I can gaze into her blue and curious eyes and know that I made the right choice. Life. And what a beautiful choice it is!
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Reading what I wrote, I see how the Lord was giving me a mother's heart of love for my child. It is bittersweet to read these words. Bitter because I never did get to gaze into Lily's blue and curious eyes. Sweet because of how she changed my life.
I wrote this post to say that I was thankful that I had chosen life for my baby. At that point in time, I never would have wished it any other way. I want to say right here, right now, that even though things didn't end up the way I thought they would (they were already going to be so different than what I had planned when I wrote this post), I am still so thankful that I chose not to have an abortion. Life is still a beautiful choice, when your baby lives and when your baby dies. It is still the right choice. As I wrote in my post, God gives and God takes away. Though I never could have dreamed He'd take her so soon, I still believe that Lily's life, and death, was/is in His hands. And He is still teaching me how to be her mommy. ❤️
How special... in recognition of Thanksgiving in America, Carly Marie streamed a live video last night where she wrote baby's names in the sand. How touching to see my beautiful Lily's name in the sand on a night that I was missing her so much. I loved being able to watch as it was written and to listen to the waves crashing. Technology can be so cool. :) It was also sweet to see the name Rose right before my Lily. Roses and lilies are always crossing my path. This was at Mullaloo Beach in Perth, Australia. 🌊🐚🐬🐳
It's important to be purposefully thankful, to truly take the time in stillness and quietness of heart to thank the Lord for the many, many blessings He lavishes upon us. 🌽🍁🍂🍗🌰🏈🏡🇺🇸🎉❤️
Just a few of that which I'm thankful for (in no particular order): another day waking up with breath in my lungs, my family... growing up with brothers and a sister, having both my parents and their love and support, my sister-in-law who feels more like my sister than an in-law, my darling 6-month-old niece who brightens up my world simply by existing, having my dear 85-year-old grandmother still here on Earth just a drive, call, email, or text away (yes, she's texting now haha), aunts, uncles, and cousins, friends who are kindred-spirits, including so many of you who are reading, my spunky and cuddly kitty Pumpkin Muffie, living in America and having the freedoms afforded us here, freedoms that much of the world doesn't have and we so easily take for granted, having the liberty to read my Bible openly and talk about and share Jesus, having the honor of defending the unborn, unending books galore, beautiful music, an internship that has turned into a job starting in the New Year doing what I love (it doesn't really feel like a job at all), living near both the beach and mountains, having a safe and reliable car, good food that I have the luxury of selecting, clothes to wear that can be cute and girly, being chosen to be the mother of the most lovely Heavenly flower, the months I had with her and bonded with her, the gift of being a forever citizen of Heaven! What are you thankful for?
"We would worry less if we praised more. Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontent and dissatisfaction." -Henry Ironside
"The table is set and our glasses are full
Though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole."
-Sleeping At Last ❤️🎶
She is that missing piece. And no matter how many are seated around the Thanksgiving table, the place where she'd be will never go unnoticed.
Days like today are, and I imagine always will be, bittersweet for me. My heart overflows with gratitude for all the Lord has blessed me with, including the sweetness brought by Lily's beautiful life. Yet, the bitterness of her absence and the empty spot at the table where she'd be sitting is also deeply felt.
Missing you, sweet girl, and longing for Heaven where there will be no more bitter, only sweet.
"If the joy Jesus promises is real and you believe Him, there's no circumstance that can steal your thanksgiving." -Jon Bloom
My friend Emily sent me this photo below with the following sweet message today: "Hello from New York City! I love how people honor Miss Lily and I wanted to join in. I saw this at a store called Bethel and thought it would be beautiful to send to you from my fave city. "Bethel" means a holy place. How awesome is that? I pray this shows you that God knows where you are and is a reminder that she is there with Him waiting for Mommy to get there. Love, Em"
This was so touching to receive on a tough day... and there are roses in the background. :'-)
This Sunday, when more of my family is in town, we are planning on having our Thanksgiving celebration. For today, the 4 of us who were here got delicious meals at Cracker Barrel (my idea.. my favorite hehe). Anyways, when I was sitting in the parking lot after checking out, I "happened" to glance down at the receipt and saw that the cashier who assisted me is named Lillie. :)
This is the one photo I have that was taken on Thanksgiving Day 2009... the one year Lily was here alive. It's my sister and I on the way to Thanksgiving lunch/dinner.
I have a "new" picture of Lily to share, which I can tell was taken shortly after she was born because of the hat she has on and the blanket she's wrapped in. With vulnerability and bated breath, I post it.
There are actually quite a few photos that I've not shared here because they are not good quality, I look awful in them, or the toll of death is too evident on my tiny little baby.
It's not that I think the photos are disturbing to look at, it's that I know others will think that. I can't bear that thought. I must protect her in the only ways I can.
I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable when I share photos of her, but she is perfect and precious (I mean, just look at that button nose) and she is my daughter. I want to show her off just like any other parent, and these are the only photos I have of my child. She was real.
I am incredibly thankful for the photos I do have, but looking at them isn't always comforting. I wish with every ounce of my being I knew what she really looked like, before death ravished her delicate form. I wish I could look at a photo of her and see only her beauty, untainted by the sting of stillbirth. It's not that I don't see her beauty, because I do... though I fear others won't. It's not that I cannot look past the uncomfortable and sad aspects of what stillbirth is and does. It's that I wish I could know what my own child looked like. I am haunted by that. I want to know what my baby looked like while in the womb alive. I want to know what my little girl would look like now at 6-years-old.
While I walk this planet, I will remain haunted by not knowing. I will always wish I might have had just one single moment to meet her with her eyes open and see her for who she really was. To have a photo to cherish always that truly captured Lily Katherine Allen-Ball... not merely her Earthly shell.
Oh, I ache for the day I will meet her in all her beauty. I find solace in that hope.
Eight Christmas seasons (including the year I was carrying her and this year) of loving my girl and collecting ornaments for her and it was time to get a larger tree. I also have several ornaments for Luke Shiloh. :)
