Friday, July 16, 2010

another 16th...

Well, today, July 16th, is yet another month gone by...another 16th that I don't have my Lily. It is also my grandparent's anniversary and my grandmother celebrates, despite the fact that her husband isn't here to celebrate with her. Wow...four months. Already? At times though, it's dragged by.

I just saw on the news about the Kid's Exchange in Raleigh that's going on this weekend. I almost threw up. I thought about in January going to the same place, at seven months pregnant. Mom and I spent hours picking out the cutest outfits, finding a stroller, and just about anything else you can think of. We should be going again looking for deals...looking for clothes that fit my growing girl. But, no...I didn't even remember it was happening until I saw it on the news. And I remember telling mom right after Lily died that I still wanted to go when they had it in July, just for some sort of comfort. That sounds crazy, I know. Don't ask me why. But, now just the thought makes me sick. I remember mentioning that next time we went we would be pushing the stroller around, but Lily would be inside, rather than a bunch of stuff for Lily. We had so much fun, deciding which shoes were cute enough to buy, and talking with the lady at check-out that happened to have a daughter named Lillian Katherine, who she called Lily Kate. One of my favorite memories. My feet were hurting so badly and I was having trouble standing and walking for so many hours. I literally sat down in one of the aisles as mom kept searching for clothes. We found the cutest clothes too...clothes that I can't part with and I never want to. I just want to have a room always for Lily, no matter where I move or how many other kids I have. She's my girl. And she always will be. And I never want anyone to think I've forgotten her.

Something that made the day better today was spending several hours with my friend, Dayna. She's wonderful company and always understands. Also, I got these pictures today from another butterfly mommy. Thanks, Lisa. So, both of these things cheered me up somewhat. 



  1. It's funny how time changes the way you feel about certain things.

    When Caleb died, and I packed way my maternity clothes, I swore I would wear them again. Including the top I was wearing the day we found out he had died, and the one I wore to the hospital to deliver him.

    Now, 6 months later I am almost 18 weeks pregnant with Caleb's baby brother or sister and I have yet to touch that box. I haven't even looked at it. I bought a new pair of shorts and a new pair of capri's and have been making do with larger sized regular shirts.

    I guess that box represents the old pregnant me. The one who thought she knew what loss and pain was. The one who knew how to love her unborn child with carefree abandon. It doesn't belong to a mom who's heart is shattered and filled with doubts and fears.

    I think you should find something else to do that day to honor Lily. Acknowledge the day, definately. I can't even imagine how much going to that would hurt your heart.

  2. Lots of love sweet one!!! We have a similar sale here...Leprechaun Lily''s twice a year and I remember in October (only a month away from him!) feeling huge but loving every second of looking...knowing that really, he didn't need anything since he was already so stocked! Thinking of what he'd grow out of and I'd bring back for the spring the signs and FB updates just make me hurt.

    Always keeping you lifted!

  3. Sending you love and peace on Lily's 4 month birthday (sorry I'm a couple of days late!) XOXO


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