Thursday, July 15, 2010

Waking Up

This morning, I awoke with tears in my eyes and such a heaviness weighing down on me. Waking up to a world where she isn't makes my heart ache because my dreams consist of a world where she is. A very real world. With a very real little girl. Last night, I dreamed of her. And you know those dreams that you can feel and it feels so real and you can see and what you see is so vivid? Well, it was that kind of a dream.

And I'm wondering if my dream means something, or if it's just my heart, my soul, my everything, longing for the part of me that's missing. Tell me if you have any ideas of what this could mean...

We were at a party with a lot of other babies and there she was. All of a sudden, she had gotten so big and I remember feeling sad that I didn't have pictures of her when she was smaller. I immediately knew it was her, even though somehow I didn't feel like I knew her because I hadn't seen her for a while, yet deep down I did know her. She had on a shirt that said, "Ginny" (my moms name). Don't ask me why, but it made sense in my dream. She looked just like my mom as a baby, who looked just like me. She had curly, blonde hair and soft, blue eyes. I looked out of the enormous glass window at the beautiful scenery while she played with the other children. We were leaving, walking to the car. I felt the weight of her in my arms. She's getting so heavy. I look down at her little face, smooshed up against my chest, her floppy body fast asleep. She was so trusting. She knew I would take care of her and cause her no harm. I took her to the car and placed her in the driver's seat. Kneeling down next to her in the pebble driveway, I stroked my fingers through her soft hair and kissed her smooth, pale skin. I thought to myself, "I thought she was gone?" But, here she was in front of me. I just watched her sleep. I drank in her presence. She fell backwards across the seat and I went around to the other side of the car to pull her up. We drove along an old, rugged road, just me and her. There were no yellow lines winding along as we drove mile after mile, gazing at the lush, green meadows in the distance. She was asleep. I was driving. And things were okay. 

Then I woke up. And remembered...the cold, hard truth. And tomorrow will be four months. And I'm back in this place that I thought I had already passed. This never-ending circle of grief and sadness. This life of everyday missing my girl.

Why do I have to wake up? ... from this dream, from feeling alright...

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This post left me:

10 comments:

  1. Hannah,
    I am so sorry that you are hurting. I hurt right along with ya girl.
    :( I know how it goes with dreams...I had one very similar. I grieved all over again, but for a minute...right before I woke up, I was happy.
    Praying for you, especially tomorrow!

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  2. I'm so sorry Hannah. So sorry. xoxo

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  3. I think it's unfair to yourself to even begin to think that you've moved into a certain phase of the grieving process...My Lily has been gone for almost 2 years and I still have days where I cry like she just died...4 months is such a short time from the most tragic event of your life so allow those tears to fall and feel them.

    Huge ((hugs))

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  4. Poor girl....4 months was SO, SO hard for me. I noticed that it was for a lot of women..there's something about 4-5 months....I think part of it is just that reality REALLY is setting in and those who were kind enough to allow their worlds to stop for a bit while they shared our grief have started to get back to their worlds and their lives...which keep moving...even when it feels like ours have stopped.

    I'm so, so sorry. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

    Not sure why I wasn't showing up on your followers list either, or how now it's a different profile, but...that's probably operator error!
    Lots of love, sweet girl!

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  5. (((hugs,hugs,hugs))) milestones are so blazingly hard! each one brings it's own hurts.

    one day this hurt will be gone and we will be with them forever...... oh how i long for that day too!

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  6. I am sending you lots and lots of hugs right now. I know that feeling all too well and i pray that it eases for you.

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  7. Grief is hard and so unpredictable! I don't really dream of Ethan (sometimes I wish I did) so he is forever that little baby in my mind. Don't be too hard on yourself, learning to live without your baby is a long process. Thinking of you and Lily today.

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  8. I agree. 4-5 months was hard for me and hard for a lot of women. Take your time and be patient with yourself. (((HUGS))))

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  9. I have only had one Caleb alive dream since he was born, and it was very similar to your Lily dream.

    http://www.calebsministry.com/blog/?p=164

    I've not had another one, but I do so hope that I do. I believe it was a precious gift from God... His way of allowing me the experience of mothering my son, even if only for a few hours in my dreams. I'll take that over nothing any day!

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  10. I'm so sorry...my heart aches as I read your words. I understand the pain of waking up to this reality with tears in your eyes. I have never dreamed of my Faith, Grace, or Thomas that I can remember...but I have wished to dream of them...and I have awakened with that longing in my heart, and the reality of the loss washing over me. I have dreamed of my mother who went to heaven more than 3 years ago, though. It is similar...time has passed and I thought she had died...sometimes the dream is a comfort for a little while...but then it isn't...

    I think all that our hearts are longing for...all that we are missing...sometimes pours itself into our dreams. It makes sense, I suppose.

    Love to you...

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