Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Remember

What does a babe in the womb feel like? I can't remember. What does it feel like to rub your hands over your enormously swollen, nine-month pregnant belly? I can't remember that either. What is it like to waddle from place to place? What is it like to look in the mirror and see all baby? And know that new life is almost here! What is it like for such joy and anticipation to flood through your veins? What is it like to look at your child alive? What is it like when your child looks back at you? What is it like to hear your baby laugh? What is it like to cuddle the most tiny, precious body you could ever imagine? What was it like to hold Lily at the hospital? How exactly did she look? How heavy did she feel? What was her hair like? These memories are fading more and more and I'm terrified of losing them completely. I'm terrified of not remembering everything about her, the only memories I have. I don't want to have to look at a picture to remember. 


What I can remember is how much I miss remembering these things. I miss my girl waking me up in the middle of the night, and it's just me and her alone. I remember how much I miss talking about how Lily was my little dancer because of how much she wiggled and kicked and punched. I remember how we joked and said she was polka dancing, or doing her Irish-jig, among so many other silly dances. I remember that certain holidays are coming where Lily was supposed to be here. I remember how last year I had said, 'well, this is the last Christmas I'll have without Lily.' I remember that March 16 will be coming so soon and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with it. I remember how much I want to be a mother, how much I've always wanted to be a mother. I remember how at the age of six, I used to dream of finding a baby in the grocery store and I had to rescue that baby, I had to take care of her. I remember how hard it is to look at the newest picture you post of your little girl and I just sit there, staring at her eyes, looking at her outfit, admiring her tiny feet. And the longing is there like never beforeI was born for this. I believe it's a God-given desire. So, when will I get my chance? 

I remember how every moment of every day I miss her. I remember how my dream my entire life is to be a wife and mother. I remember how this dream has intensified all the more since losing my baby.


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This post left me:

9 comments:

  1. i've been saying for weeks that we are not willing to wait very long to start trying again, b/c i NEED to be a mother. "a god-given desire" is a beautiful way to look at it (although i'm the first to admit i've got my share of problems w/ god these days). i, too, wonder about all of these questions. i only made it to 25 weeks, so i didn't get to experience a lot of those things in the first place.

    i dread christmas, too. we had such plans for kenny's first christmas.

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  2. Hannah Rose, how difficult it is for you, without a husband, to wait on another opportunity to become pregnant again. You WILL be blessed with a wonderful warrior/poet for a husband! And you WILL be blessed with another child! God's promises ARE true! He IS in control and He IS good! XOXOXOX

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  3. I feel that longing so much too. <3

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  4. Sending you so much love right now. I've felt that way. I'm afraid of forgetting everything except the bad parts, but i pray we don't , i pray that we always have a memory to keep us warm to sustain us with hope. Know i am praying for you.

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  5. You know you are so very, very loved.

    I fear the memory fading too.
    xoxoxo

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  6. Sending many hugs your way. I have felt this way myself. Its good that you are writing down what you remember so that its always there when you feel this way.

    Praying for you to get your chance. Lifting you up today.

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