Thursday, July 29, 2010

Memory Lane

As I mentioned in my last post, I started working on my scrapbook. This is proving to be very emotional for me. Ouch, it hurts my heart to see these pictures. To remember how quickly her body began to deteriorate after she was born. I don't like seeing her dark lips. Her feet began peeling. The smell of death. I will never be able to forget that smell. Mom says she smells it sometimes randomly. Why must that be burned into my mind? This whole scrapbooking thing is tough. But, it must be done. Her story must be told. I must have a concrete memorial for Lily. So her brothers and sisters can know her. So her nieces and nephews can know her. So future generations can get to know the little girl who changed my world. And I must do it while it's fresh. I must do it so I don't forget anything. I've been sorting through pictures and I came across this one. It was taken on March 13, the day before Lily's due date. Three days before Lily was born. That's my friend Candy. The photo was taken at her baby shower. I was full of joy, excitement, anticipation. I was so proud for everyone to see my enormous belly. I was huge, wasn't I? By this point, I had major sciatica pain. By this point, Lily was already gone. I was blissfully unaware that I was carrying my dead baby. It was the last picture taken of me while I was pregnant with her.


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This post left me:

11 comments:

  1. {{hugs}}

    i'm glad you've started your album.

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  2. I have a picture of myself the morning that I found out that Jacob died, before I knew. I've only looked at it once or twice. It is hard to do.

    I've been thinking about doing a scrapbook for Jacob as well, but I know it will be so emotional. I don't know if I can do it right now.....

    I bet yours will be beautiful!

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  3. I hope working on her album will help you in this process. I haven't been able to do that myself, but maybe this will encourage me...
    Hugs!!!

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  4. what a wonderful thing you are doing... i agree, the smell of death is seared into my brain. i too smell it randomly.

    you've encouraged me to get crackin' on my own album.
    (((hugs)))

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  5. You were just beautiful!
    Still are!
    xoxo

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  6. i know it must be so painful to go through the pictures. You are braver than I am. I know your memorial for Lily will be beautiful and perfect for all the love you are putting into it. I love how you said you want others to know "the little girl who changed my world"...

    thinking of you
    xxxx

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  7. thinking of you girl!! :) i think the scrapbook is an awesome idea. i've bought the stuff for mine, but just haven't been able to start it. maybe you'll be my inspiration.

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  8. You are so brave. Its so very hard for me still to look at her pictures, especially the untouched ones- I CAN'T look at those without completely losing it and screaming/crying.

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  9. *hugs* I think this is part of my hesitation on starting my own scrapbook.

    Your scrapbook for Lily will be precious. You are putting so much heart into it and that is why it will be truly amazing!

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  10. sending you hugs. I pray you find peace on this journey.

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