Friday, February 6, 2015

6 Years Ago on a Friday

Six years ago today, the one whose heart first beat within me ceased to beat because of a choice I made. Because I was selfish and scared.

It was on a Friday. This year, the sixth of February is on a Friday, making the memories that much more vivid. This weekend, my mind and my heart will replay what it was like in that Planned Parenthood and what my mind, my body, and my very soul experienced on that Friday and Saturday. I am already replaying the entire week, thinking, was it today six years ago that I found out I was pregnant? Was it today that I called Planned Parenthood? Honestly, I don't remember a lot of details from that time... but what I do remember are the tears and the anguish felt at the depths of my soul.

Much of the year, I don't feel the pain. I embrace the healing and forgiveness I've found in Christ. Sure, I think of Luke and miss him, but it isn't heavy. This time of year, however, I miss him so much. I don't feel burdened by shame and humiliation, but rather just the missing of what could have been. I feel the grief of the loss of the first child of my heart and womb. And honestly, I am thankful for the missing. Because it ensures that I will never forget. It reminds me of the gravity of how detrimental abortion is to women, men, and children, and that I must never be silenced. Living with a past abortion is not just living with what you've done, it's living with all the unanswered questions and the missing of what might've been. So much of the year, I feel detached over the loss of Luke, but this time of year helps me feel more connected to him.

On this day, I will honor him, I will remember him, I will grieve him, and I will speak of his existence. I will watch Tilly and I will share the poem that I wrote for him and the one "picture" I have that proves he was here.

First child of my womb,
Quietly you grew, hidden from all eyes.
Why didn't I choose LIFE?
Why did I believe the lies?

Flesh of my flesh,
My baby, forever you'll be.
I'm sorry I chose the wrong way.
I'm sorry I didn't SEE.

Your life was not wasted.
Valued and precious you are.
God is speaking mightily through you.
From my thoughts, you will never be far.

From darkness to light,
You will always be a part of the story.
Our Father in Heaven promises
To work all this together for His glory.

Your name means "light" and "peace,"
My precious little one.
That's what He's brought in all of this.
In Christ, the victory is won!

I promise to be your voice
Until my days on Earth are through.
I will never be silent
Until the time that I meet you.

In that moment, 
I will gaze upon your face.
I will hold you, kiss you, know you,
In awe of His great mercy and amazing grace.

Even then I know,
Your legacy will still live.
For He breathes beauty into this story,
And purpose He will continue to give.

I love you my little Lukey.
Thank you for changing me.
Until we meet, my darling,
A forever part of me you'll be.

With all my might, I'll fight in your honor,
Until the battle for LIFE is won.
In my eyes and heart,
You will always be my son.


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