I Wish...

"I Wish..."
Author Unknown

~ I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

~ I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried that you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.

~ I wish that you could talk about my baby more than one. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

~ I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

~ I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

~ I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it will tell me you care.

~ I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had, and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

~ I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are different people who deal with things differently.

~ I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

~ I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, legs, arms, and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person - and he was alive.

~ I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

~ I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

~ I wish you wouldn't say that it's nature's way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

~ I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all of my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks that same thing and I am often left with no one.

~ I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused, and like it's my fault.

~ I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

~ My baby's due date, Mother's Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

~ I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me - maybe you'll still like me.

~ I wish you wouldn't tell me that I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.

~ I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say, "Next time things will be okay." The truth is, how do you know? What will you say if it happens again?

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Capture Your Grief-Day 9

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project 

for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 9: Special Places

October 9, 2012 ♥

Day 9. Special Place: This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

There are lots of special places that remind me of Lily. Both places I went when I was pregnant with her and places I've gone after to do things in her honor.

The two places I chose for this photography project bring me much joy and peace. The top photo is of the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, where my hometown is. Lily is buried at the foothills of these mountains, next to her great-great-grandparents, great-grandfather, and great-aunt. There is truly no place as near and dear to my heart as Virginia because it truly feels like home. That is where most of my family lives and lots of special childhood memories were made. Whenever I am there, my soul breathes a sigh of relief and my spirit is revived! I knew there was nowhere else I would want Lily buried. Obviously her "special spot" where she is buried is very special to me. Now that she is there, Virginia is even more special to me. I live in North Carolina, so don't get to visit as much as I'd like.

The other place that reminds me of my Lily is North Carolina beaches. This bottom photo isn't very good quality as it was taken with my cell phone, but it was taken in October 2009, when I was pregnant with Lily. So, that makes it very special to me. She got to go to Topsail Island with me and I loved every minute of it! The beaches of North Carolina have always had a special place in my heart, but now even more so because I shared time with Lily there. It is another place that revives my spirits! I feel so close to Jesus when I'm at the beach and in the mountains and I am blessed to live close enough that I can visit both often!

North Carolina and Virginia were the two states where Lily lived during her short time on earth, so they will always hold a very special place in my heart.

We went to Philadelphia for Christmas 2009 when I was pregnant, so that is also special to me.

Another special place is the National Memorial for the Unborn where I got a brick paver for Lily in the garden dedicated to stillborn and miscarried babies.

My other special place is my blog where I can write about my girl, my love for her, and my grief. It is my sacred space where I share my heart and her legacy. It is an ongoing memorial and tribute to her LIFE.

By the way, today (October 9th) was the day three years ago that I found out Lily was for sure a GIRL! Missing my princess so much...going to watch the 3D/4D ultrasound DVD today.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.

-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.

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Capture Your Grief-Day 8

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project 

for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 8: Jewelry
October 8, 2012 ♥

Day 8. Jewelry: Do you have a piece of jewelry in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!

I have lots of beautiful memorial jewelry in honor of my Lily Katherine. I have a gorgeous locket necklace with a Lily of the Valley on it. I have another beautiful locket that has a butterfly charm and opens up with Lily's name on the inside with Lily of the Valley scent, that my best friend Kala gave me for Babylost Mother's Day. I have lots of butterfly earrings, both pairs I've gotten myself and some friends have given me. I have a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness pin that my friend Morgan gave me. 

But, my favorite piece of jewelry that I own is my heart-shaped necklace from My Forever Child that has Lily's (scaled-down) actual footprints engraved on the front, with her name and birthdate on the back. It's like I carry a piece of Lily around with me wherever I go and whenever anyone asks me about my necklace, I beam with pride as I tell them they are my baby's actual footprints. The detail is amazing and her footprints are perfectly captured. I would highly recommend both anyone who has a living child or suffered the loss of a child to look into the custom engraved jewelry. 

I almost forgot that my grandmother gave me a beautiful necklace on the day of Lily's Celebration of LIFE Service and burial. Sadly, I have since lost it :( But it is a gold heart with three pearls, symbolizing my grandmother, mom, and I and a stone above them, symbolizing our sweet Lily in Heaven! :)

I am wearing that necklace in this photo

I plan on also getting a necklace with Lily's handprint on it. I would love to get something with her birthstone as well. If I have more children in the future, I would love to get something special to symbolize all of them together.

My other favorite piece of jewelry is my ring that says "Purity" on it. Lily and Katherine both mean purity and innocence and she will forever remain perfectly that. My grandmother gave me a "Purity" ring when I was 15. Somehow, it had become torn down the middle, just as my purity had been torn. Yet, my Jesus pieced it back together. And this little girl was a symbol of that. She was the instrument He used. I buried Lily with that ring tied around her dress. Since then, I have gotten a new Purity ring, a whole one, to wear until my wedding day...

By the way, in the photo is a glass-blown angel figurine that my cousin sent to me in 2010. I love it! Angels remind me of Heaven, which obviously reminds me of Lily :) And I took the photo on top of Lily's gorgeous cedar memory chest.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.

-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.

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Light the Night With Love

On September 15, two lovely ladies named Fran and Amanda hosted a beautiful event called Light the Night With Love in Katy, Texas. They released several sky lanterns in honor and memory of babies in Heaven. Lots of people attended in person and could release their own lantern, but they also included those that couldn't be there in person by writing our babies names on the lanterns and setting them free into the night. This was the first year and they plan to make it an annual thing. Hundreds of babies from all over the world were honored. I am so thankful to have others who love and remember my girl with me! Thanks for including her in this special event! :)

Look how beautiful all the lanterns look being released!

Lily's name written on a lantern

The lantern scene from the movie Tangled is where Fran got the inspiration for this event. It must be so beautiful and special to see the lanterns being released into the sky. I am going to have a sky lantern release for Lily's birthday at some point in the near future! :)

"You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." 
~Psalm 18:28

Click on the photo below to visit the website and stay up to date on next year's event :)

Read about what Fran had to say about the event by clicking here.

Click here to see lots more photos from this year's event!

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Capture Your Grief-Day 7

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project 

for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 7: What TO Say
October 7, 2012 ♥

Day 7. What To Say: We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it down – photograph it.

-"Her name, Lily Katherine."

Don't be afraid to say Lily's name. She is a very real person and an irreplaceable part of my life and family. You can ask questions about her and show that you care about her life. This can be one of the most important things. Do not pretend she never lived and that I never lost her. And please don't avoid seeing me, calling me, etc because you feel uncomfortable talking about her. Also realize that not only was a child lost, but a grandchild, niece, nephew, cousin, etc. Reach out to the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. They are grieving too. 

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of her name! It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul!" ~Author Unknown

"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

-"How are you...really?"

It means so much when people ask how I am and truly want to hear the answer.

-"She is so beautiful!"
Nothing makes my mama heart smile like when someone tells me this. :) I love when you ask to see photos of her...the only photos I will ever have of my girl.

-"Her LIFE and legacy has impacted me."
This makes me so honored that the Lord chose to give me someone so wonderful.

-"I can't wait to meet her in Heaven!"
I can't wait to be there too!

-"This made me think of you and Lily."
Whether it's a picture of something, a Lily blooming somewhere, a butterfly or whatever else, it means so much to know she is on your heart.

-"Happy Birthday to Lily!"
If Lily were here, people would celebrate her birthday...she was still born on March 16th and deserves celebration and honor each year on her special day. Thank you to those who love her along with me.

-"Happy Mother's Day!"
I am a mother and I will be forever...thank you for recognizing that.

-"You must really be missing Lily today."
Yes, I am...I miss her every day. I especially love it when you say you miss her too. And that you love her.

-A simple "I'm so sorry" with a hug and listening ear.
I don't expect you to always know what to say or how to say it. Sometimes it can be the simplest statement that comforts my heart the most. I am sharing this photo with cards I received since losing Lily to show how much it means to me when people reach out. Even if you don't know what to say, just showing you care and love me and are there for me speaks more than you realize. Saying the "wrong" thing is better than saying nothing at all.

-"I'll never forget her."
A couple years have passed since having Lily and lots of people expect that I should be "over it" by now. It hurts to feel forgotten and like Lily is forgotten. Holidays, anniversaries, and her birthday are especially difficult days. I love it when you remember those days. She will live forever in my heart...thank you for telling me she lives in yours too...


-Another one I thought of is "I'm praying for you." I can always use prayer.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.

-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.

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Capture Your Grief-Day 6

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project 

for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 6: What NOT To Say
October 6, 2012 ♥

Day 6. What Not To Say: Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

A lot of well-meaning people have said things that have hurt me after losing Lily. These are the comments that have stuck with me and it is my hope that if you see this, you will remember not to say it to someone you know who loses a baby.

-"At least you didn't really get to know her."
Please do not compare my grief to anyone else's.

"On a scale of one to ten, when your child dies, it is always a ten." ~a grieving mother

-"You're still young. You have plenty of time for more."
One baby will never replace another! No matter how many children I may have in the future, they will never be Lily and could never replace her. She will always hold a place in my heart that's all her own. Having another baby will not take away the pain of losing my first-born or diminish the love I have for her.

-"You will be a mother one day."
I already am a mother and will be forever! My girl is my daughter of Heaven.

-"I know exactly how you feel."
No two losses are the same and nobody grieves the same.

-"Let me know if there is anything I can do."
Like a bereaved mother is really going to ask for help, especially from people they aren't close with. So many people say that, don't ever do anything to actually help, and then go on with their lives and forget that person and their grief...but feel good about themselves for saying it. I wish people would not just say things, but actually DO something, anything! 'Meaning to' do something is not the same as actually doing it.

-"She wasn't planned anyways."
This comment has really hurt my heart. I got pregnant with Lily at 19 and unmarried. People have thought and said that because I wasn't planning for her, it was better off that she died. It should be easier to let go because she was an inconvenience.

-"Nothing at all."
Saying nothing at all is what hurts the most. I wish people would realize that Lily is very real and an irreplaceable part of my life and family. I wish they weren't afraid to acknowledge her existence and that special place she will forever hold. And that this is a devastating loss. I wish they wouldn't pretend it never happened! I don't like feeling like Lily has been forgotten by others or that I should be "over it" by now, as if losing my baby could be compared to having the flu.

I also really don't like it when people call Lily an angel. I believe in angels, but Lily is not one of them. She is my daughter, made in the image of God. Though, I do realize lots of people use it as a term of endearment. 

-For more advice on how to be there for a grieving friend or family member click here.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.

-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.

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Capture Your Grief-Day 5

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project 

for October-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Day 5: Memorials

October 5, 2012 ♥

Day 5. Memorial: This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.

I pour my love into creating memorials in honor of my daughter, Lily Katherine. Since she is not here for me to mother, it feels as if doing special things to honor and remember her is my way of mothering her.

First of all, I regularly write on my blog, which was made because of my girl, as a way to share my story. I consider it a living tribute/memorial. I share her as much as possible, with as many people as possible.

My mom and I are working on hospital babyloss care packages to donate to the hospital she was born at in her honor.

I include Lily daily in my thoughts and conversations. I know it is up to me to make sure she isn't forgotten. I take pictures when I see things that remind me of her (little winks from Heaven, I call them).

We had a very special service and burial for her in March 2010. I read a letter out loud that I wrote to Lily and my grandmother read out loud something special that my mom wrote. Others shared things too.

This picture shows some of my favorite ways we have honored Lily. On the top left is her memorial garden in our yard that my mom (Lily's grandmother who is an amazing gardener) lovingly created. I like to go sit there to think and pray. It has special plaques and garden accessories for Lily, a bleeding heart plant given to me at her Celebration of LIFE Service, lilies given to me on her 2nd birthday, and other beautiful plants. On the bottom left is the shadow box I made for Lily. On the top right is where her "special spot" (or where she is buried) is at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Crozet, Virginia, USA. She doesn't have a headstone yet, so I have a temporary marker out there and other special things. Her headstone will be tiny and cute for a baby with a little lamb sitting on top (very old-fashioned). The bottom right is a photo taken at the National Memorial for the Unborn, where Lily will soon have a brick placed in the garden dedicated to miscarried and stillborn babies. And the middle picture is Lily's name in the sand in Perth, Australia, written by CarlyMarie. I plan on getting it printed to canvas to hang on my wall.

On her birthdays, I like to plan really special things for her...such as butterfly releases, balloon releases, ladybug releases, sky lantern releases, eating red-velvet cake (which is a tradition), eating hashbrowns for my little Spud who was due on March 14th (National Potato Chip Day in the United States), going to Cracker Barrel, among other things I hope to do for future birthdays. For her 2nd birthday this year, I made her a video tribute.

I participate in walks and remembrance ceremonies in her honor. On days such as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I light a special candle for Lily. I also do this on Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Christmas, and other holidays. I get her a pumpkin in the fall and hang Christmas ornaments in her honor. I am purposeful about including her and loving her the only way I know how.

I also have a cedar memory chest which I fill tangible memories of Lily, such as her hair, foot impression, prints, birth certificate, etc. and other momentos I've gotten for her such as figurines and jewelry. I have reminders of her scattered throughout my life and home. Butterflies are everywhere.

I love all the work Carly Marie does and enjoy getting things from her. I love when people write Lily's name anywhere and everywhere and send me the picture or when they see things that remind them of my girl and send me a photo of it or simply tell me about it.

Just as I would never stop getting special things or doing special things for Lily if she were here on earth, I try to do the same (just in a different way) for my daughter of Heaven.

I hope that sharing this will inspire others to honor their children in similar ways.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.

-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.

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