Saturday, October 6, 2012

Capture Your Grief-Day 6

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 Photography Project 
Day 6: What NOT To Say
October 6, 2012 ♥

Day 6. What Not To Say: Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

A lot of well-meaning people have said things that have hurt me after losing Lily. These are the comments that have stuck with me and it is my hope that if you see this, you will remember not to say it to someone you know who loses a baby.

-"At least you didn't really get to know her."
Please do not compare my grief to anyone else's.

"On a scale of one to ten, when your child dies, it is always a ten." ~a grieving mother

-"You're still young. You have plenty of time for more."
One baby will never replace another! No matter how many children I may have in the future, they will never be Lily and could never replace her. She will always hold a place in my heart that's all her own. Having another baby will not take away the pain of losing my first-born or diminish the love I have for her.

-"You will be a mother one day."
I already am a mother and will be forever! My girl is my daughter of Heaven.

-"I know exactly how you feel."
No two losses are the same and nobody grieves the same.

-"Let me know if there is anything I can do."
Like a bereaved mother is really going to ask for help, especially from people they aren't close with. So many people say that, don't ever do anything to actually help, and then go on with their lives and forget that person and their grief...but feel good about themselves for saying it. I wish people would not just say things, but actually DO something, anything! 'Meaning to' do something is not the same as actually doing it.

-"She wasn't planned anyways."
This comment has really hurt my heart. I got pregnant with Lily at 19 and unmarried. People have thought and said that because I wasn't planning for her, it was better off that she died. It should be easier to let go because she was an inconvenience.

-"Nothing at all."
Saying nothing at all is what hurts the most. I wish people would realize that Lily is very real and an irreplaceable part of my life and family. I wish they weren't afraid to acknowledge her existence and that special place she will forever hold. And that this is a devastating loss. I wish they wouldn't pretend it never happened! I don't like feeling like Lily has been forgotten by others or that I should be "over it" by now, as if losing my baby could be compared to having the flu.

I also really don't like it when people call Lily an angel. I believe in angels, but Lily is not one of them. She is my daughter, made in the image of God. Though, I do realize lots of people use it as a term of endearment. 

-For more advice on how to be there for a grieving friend or family member click here.

-To see all of my photos from the photography project, click here.
-To share your own photos on the event page and to see the lovely photos others are sharing, click here.


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