Sunday, June 10, 2012

In my arms and heart

I met and held a baby girl named Emma Grace this week. She was born on February 16, so she's a little less than four months old. Her mom, my friend Wendy, handed her to me and right away my arms seemed to ache a little less. I can't find words to describe how wonderful it felt to hold a baby. Little Emma Grace grabbed onto my sleeves and it melted my heart. It just felt so right. This may sound weird to say this, but holding a baby with life within felt foreign to me. All I know is holding a baby with no life. Your telling me babies actually move around??

when Emma Grace was in her mama's belly :-)

Emma Grace outside her mama's belly, in my arms :-)

Yes it was hard to hold a baby, especially a girl...but it's more than that now. It's healing. Beautiful. Looking into Emma's blue eyes and having her smile back at me with those chubby delicious baby cheeks, I felt so much joy. I fell in love with this little sweet pea. Love at first sight. And it made me think, if I already love this lil' baby so much that isn't even my own, how much more will I love flesh of my flesh? Of course I love Lily more than I ever dreamed possible, but I still don't know what this type of connection between a mother and her child is like. What will that be like to have my own baby look back and smile up at her mama? Oh, it must be simply glorious.

I hope and pray that one day I get to experience it on this side of Heaven. I truly believe I will. God fulfills the desires of our hearts because He is the One that places them there. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

When you delight yourself in the Lord, your desires become His because you are truly seeking His heart and you only want for your life what He wants. Your desires become aligned with His. I have begged and pleaded that He would take this desire away if I am not meant to be a wife and mama. But, no, instead of going away, it grows stronger. Now, I pray that this dream would be harnessed and that the emotions involved would not rule my life. I pray that when the time comes for me to fulfill this calling, I will be ready. I am purposeful in making this a time spent in preparation, so I can and will be everything God intends me to be in those roles. That I would honor my future husband all the days of my life (Proverbs 31:10-12). And glorify the Lord each day and in each decision I make. 

If it's so that God is calling me to a life of singleness, I know He will sustain me and give me joy in that. If that's what He's calling me to, I want to be nowhere else. I know, trust, believe that He will make my path clear, in each moment I'm called to make a decision.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

So much joy.

So much hope.

I'm praising the Lord today for the hope of holding another babe to call my own on this side of Heaven...and for the hope of one day soon meeting the two that wait for me there. The two I'll hold forever in my heart.

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This post left me:

5 comments:

  1. Hannah, I'm so glad you got to hold sweet Emma and it felt so right. I know the Lord will bless you greatly and one day you will have all you've wanted for so long.

    Much love,
    Jessica
    Xoxo

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  2. You're so beautiful, Hannah - inside and out. I hope with all my heart that one day we'll see a photo of you holding your own child, smiling as brightly as you are in this photo. xxx

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  3. Hannah I believe that God will give the desires of your heart and you will marry and make Lilly a big sister. It must be difficult to wait on God for this I am waiting on him now for my rainbow baby and it is hard...how much more for you. I am praying for you my friend and prince charming is just around the corner and you beautiful future is about to begin. Also I am glad that holding Emma was healing I met my newborn nephew today for the first time and it was painful. Hugs my friend you are in my prayers daily.

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  4. hold onto that hope and never give up!!

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  5. What a huge milsetone, give yourself alot of credit...it took me alot of time to be near children again. Your pictures are beautiful. Holding onto hope and leaning on the beautiful people in this community kept me trying...I will hold onto hope for you as well :) Hugs, Nan xoxoxo

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