My mother's instinct to care for and love my baby are still very much alive and well, though my baby is not. I guess that's why I blog here so much. That's why I want her headstone so badly and why I think about what I want to take to "her spot" this summer when I visit my hometown where she's buried. That's why I do so many things to honor her memory and legacy. I do what I can to be a mother. It's almost like I am making sure I never forget, by doing all these things for her. As if I ever could. So often my mind and hands feel restless, while I try to figure out how to love and care for someone who only exists in my heart and memories.
I wonder what things will be like if and when I have another baby in the future...when there is someone to tangibly care for. Will I not write here as much? Will I not feel the need to? Will I only write on her birthday and an occasional post throughout the year? It is so strange to be a mother and not have any child to care for. My mind can't tell my heart to stop loving. To stop being a mother. That love doesn't stop, even if your child's heart stops beating. I am just aching for a child to love, as my own. A healthy baby to care for, that I actually get to take home with me. What is that even like??
With all my striving to make her life have mattered, my God has gently reminded me that that is not my job. He knit Lily together (Psalm 139:13). He sent her for the very purposes that were fulfilled in 40 weeks and 2 days on earth. I don't bring meaning, purpose, and significance to her life...He did. He does. "40" is the number of completion. The Lord completed Lily in 40 weeks. Her purposes were complete in 40 weeks.
I miss her...I want to be with my Jesus and my Lily...
If Lily were here, she would be hearing about the love of Jesus from her mommy. Instead, she hears about the love of her mommy from Jesus. What a comforting picture of her sitting on His lap as He tells her about all the ways He's using her precious LIFE here on earth. How so many people are changed and will be changed because of her. That thought makes this mother's heart beam with joy. :-)
(I currently have this song on repeat. It's so beautiful and much of it resonates with me.
However, just to be clear, I know that Lily is *not* an angel.)