Friday, June 8, 2012

a mother's love

"When a baby is born, it's a mother's instinct to protect her baby. When her baby dies, it's a mother's instinct to protect their memory." ~Unknown

My mother's instinct to care for and love my baby are still very much alive and well, though my baby is not. I guess that's why I blog here so much. That's why I want her headstone so badly and why I think about what I want to take to "her spot" this summer when I visit my hometown where she's buried. That's why I do so many things to honor her memory and legacy. I do what I can to be a mother. It's almost like I am making sure I never forget, by doing all these things for her. As if I ever could. So often my mind and hands feel restless, while I try to figure out how to love and care for someone who only exists in my heart and memories.

I wonder what things will be like if and when I have another baby in the future...when there is someone to tangibly care for. Will I not write here as much? Will I not feel the need to? Will I only write on her birthday and an occasional post throughout the year? It is so strange to be a mother and not have any child to care for. My mind can't tell my heart to stop loving. To stop being a mother. That love doesn't stop, even if your child's heart stops beating. I am just aching for a child to love, as my own. A healthy baby to care for, that I actually get to take home with me. What is that even like??

With all my striving to make her life have mattered, my God has gently reminded me that that is not my job. He knit Lily together (Psalm 139:13). He sent her for the very purposes that were fulfilled in 40 weeks and 2 days on earth. I don't bring meaning, purpose, and significance to her life...He did. He does. "40" is the number of completion. The Lord completed Lily in 40 weeks. Her purposes were complete in 40 weeks. 

I miss her...I want to be with my Jesus and my Lily...

If Lily were here, she would be hearing about the love of Jesus from her mommy. Instead, she hears about the love of her mommy from Jesus. What a comforting picture of her sitting on His lap as He tells her about all the ways He's using her precious LIFE here on earth. How so many people are changed and will be changed because of her. That thought makes this mother's heart beam with joy. :-)

(I currently have this song on repeat. It's so beautiful and much of it resonates with me. 
However, just to be clear, I know that Lily is *not* an angel.)



  1. Sending you hugs, Hannah.. That song is as beautiful as you and your love for Lily.

  2. I love this: "He sent her for the very purposes that were fulfilled in 40 weeks and 2 days on earth. I don't bring meaning, purpose, and significance to her life...He did. He does." So true. Thank you for reminding me.

  3. This post is so raw, and honest. I think it's so beautiful all the ways you find comfort in Jesus. When you said she hears about the love of her mommy from Jesus, I got goosebumps.
    You said you wondered if you were ever to get pregnant again, if you'd talk/think about her less. I can tell you from personal experience, that no, you won't. As a mother to 3 angels, who I lost very early, who is pregnant again, I can easily say I think about those 3 all the time. That said, being pregnant again is hard. Every day it's not a matter of "when" I will bring my daughter home, it's a matter of "if." I live in constant worry, and fear that I could lose her at any moment, that I could never bring my baby home.
    The only thing that has helped me cope with these fears, is the strength you share on your blog. You have proved that it's possible to find strength, meaning, and good in lifes hardest situations. I think it's wonderful that you post so often, you inspire me, and I'm sure many others more and more with every word. Not only that, but you honor your daughters life in such a beautiful way.
    I hope that you find the perfect way to celebrate her life this summer, when you visit your home town. I look forward to hearing all about it:)
    God bless you Hannah Rose

  4. P.s. Reading over what I wrote again, I realize some of my sentences run together! Sorry about that, I commented from my phone.

  5. "I don't bring meaning, purpose, and significance to her life...He did. He does." So true hun!! But what you do for her here helps to heal your heart and is soo important. It's important for you and it's important for the many others that need that healing too.

  6. I can feel your heart through your words. Sending love and prayers for you.

  7. Thinking of you and your little girl with all my heart xoxo

  8. that song is absolutely beautiful, thanks for sharing. <3

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