Wednesday, June 13, 2012

who I once was, who I am now, and who I'll become

Do you ever look back on memories and years gone by and feel as if it's a different life? That's how I'm feeling these days. I've been thinking of friends from my past and different experiences. And it is such a strange feeling. I barely recognize that girl who I once was. I was so shy and awkward then. Isn't it funny how God chooses the least likely among us to showcase His strength? He takes a girl who was so uncomfortable in social situations, and says, "you...I want you to speak on one of the most heated topics of this day and age." He made me weak so that He could be proven strong. Faithful.

Thinking on old friends and even family have our paths gone completely different ways? What was once a road we walked together has now become two separate paths. Two separate people, living their lives, not ever even speaking a word to each other. I guess I'm just contemplative tonight. God knew all of this was going to happen in my life, even while I was that awkward 12-year-old girl. He knew the plan He had for me and He knew all the years and everything He'd do and use to get me there. For His glory.

It's such a strange thing to see myself change. To wonder who I used to be. To wonder who I might become. And to somehow try to figure out how to sort out all the memories and feelings in my heart. How do I combine who I once was, who I am now, and who I will become? When worlds collide. Maybe I'm missing those days of innocence and living carefree. Not realizing that one day I would lose my baby and have to carry that with me the rest of my days. Not realizing how hard the journey to Heaven would be. But it's worth it...oh so worth it. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. If my Jesus is being high and lifted up, may it be so! Sometimes, I guess, I just wish for a small taste of that innocence again.

It's like there are two Hannah Rose's. The Hannah Rose before losing Lily and the Hannah Rose after losing Lily. And I don't recognize the old me anymore. And even though I sometimes wonder who I'd be if I hadn't rebelled against God, which ultimately caused all the deep pain...I would never change it. Because it did happen, I have to live with it. Therefore, I'm thankful for it all. Isn't God amazing that He can make me thankful for my past, my brokenness, my sorrow, because He has turned it into good! I literally do not wish to be that old me again. Because Lily's life has changed mine forever. God has used her to bring me to my passion and purpose. He has shown me the value and fragility of life. How precious it is. He has drawn me closer to His heart. And sometimes it takes suffering to learn things that you wouldn't learn otherwise. For this, I am thankful.

For her, I am so, so thankful.

Occasionally, I will listen to this song. When I first heard it, the words gripped my heart. "Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with You when she stands under my colors. Oh, and life ain't always what you think it oughta be, no. Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby. The sharp knife of a short life. Well, I've had just enough time." Doesn't it seem so unnatural for a child to die before their mother, especially a baby? The sting of losing Lily will always be there, but I am clinging to the truth that she had enough time on earth and fulfilled the purposes God sent her for.


1 comment:

  1. I totally feel the same way, that there are two Beths. And because the pre-Eve Beth is so recently deceased, it is both terrifying and exciting to see the new Beth that I am in the process of becoming. I don't know where God is leading, only that He is.


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