Saturday, March 23, 2013

My 3-Year-Old...

I am missing Lily so much today. Though truly, I cannot and could never find the words to fully articulate or express this profound longing...for my beautiful girl, for what might have been.

I am haunted by dreams and imaginings of who she might be now at 3-years-old. What/who would she look like? What toys and activities would she enjoy? What sort of mannerisms would she have? How would her precious smile look? How different might my days look had she lived? All these thoughts and wonderings will never be answered, explained...fulfilled.

I find myself seeing children the age she'd be and thinking to that really how 3-year-olds act/look/are? I find myself hardly able to grasp or believe that she'd be that old. How can that much time have passed?

A piece of my heart will forever remain frozen on March 16th, 2010. The time when she was my baby. Though I suppose she will always be my baby. That and whatever age she'd currently be.

It feels as if I'm getting farther away from her and closer to her all at once.

All these dreams I had for her life will forever remain just that...dreams.

The desires I had for her life will never be fulfilled because she was lost barely before her days began.

Oh, but then my Jesus assures me that HIS dreams and desires for her LIFE are still very much alive, just as she is in Heaven...and those purposes will be fulfilled through me.

So many thoughts and feelings on who my 3-year-old Lily would have been. What have I already missed out on, what am I missing out on now, and what will I miss out on in the future? It's the not-knowing that can hurt the most. The questions that linger.

I love and miss her so much it hurts. Some days it hurts more than others and the longing is deeper. Today is one of those days. I am so thankful to have this space, Lily's space, to come and release these things. I suppose a big reason why I am feeling this way is because it's still March ~ her month, and she would now officially be a new age.

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