Friday, March 8, 2013

This Weight I Carry

The last couple days, my mom and I have been talking about our little Lily quite a bit. We talk about her often anyways, but even more so in March.

My mom was so thrilled to become a grandmother! She called Lily her "granddarling," which I just love. She really was so great about everything. She completely walked out her pro-life beliefs. She was so supportive and encouraging to me throughout my pregnancy and was there for me at the hospital. My mom somehow, through her constant flow of tears due to her profound grieving over the loss of her much-loved granddarling, managed to arrange Lily's burial plans.

Yesterday, we were talking about what it will be like when there are more children born into the family, whether my kids or my sibling's kids. She said that day at the hospital when we found out Lily was gone and she was going to be born that day was the hardest day of her life. We both sometimes can't believe "this" happened to us. To our family. She said how hard it will be one day to hold another baby in her arms, a living grandchild. She said it will be so bittersweet...healing and hopeful, yet so incredibly difficult to realize afresh all we will never experience with Lily.

I wonder what it will be like when I hold my future nieces and nephews in my arms. Bittersweet - that's how to describe so much of my life.

The thought occurred to me this week that sometimes I just wish my life could feel "normal." I wish I didn't have to feel that sad feeling I always feel around pregnant women and babies. In this season of my life, there are so many happy things happening for my friends and family...new couples, engagements, weddings, pregnancies, babies. And I truly am so, so happy for these people. Some of them are very close and dear to me. I just wish I didn't have to feel a weight with each piece of news I get. I sometimes wish my thoughts didn't always have to go back to Lily.

It feels like a constant weight that I carry around with me. This week, I have been praying and asking Jesus to lift this weight off my shoulders. I truly believe I am not meant to carry it and that He will carry it for me...

Last night, I had such a precious experience. I was praying and just feeling so heavy when suddenly I felt God's peace flood my soul! He showed me that it is okay to be sad and miss Lily, but He truly allowed me to see at a deeper level than ever before that this life is so fleeting. Before I know it, I will be with Jesus and both my children for Eternity. It is hard to live on Earth without them, but this life without them is just a blink of an eye in light of forever with them. I know I have said this before and knew it to be true...but I can't explain how God just comforted my heart with this truth in a new way and has brought me so much peace.

I am not saying I have completely gotten over these thoughts and feelings...what I am saying is this...I know this is a process and I must diligently seek Him.

Whatever weight you are carrying today, surrender it into His hands. He will lift it off your shoulders. He will carry it for you. He is so, so good.

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