My heart is extremely heavy. I learned today that my friend's nephew is now with the Lord. I met her and her sweet family during my Ellerslie semester. Her sister, who is also an Ellerslie graduate, but I have never met her, went into labor at fullterm, I believe last night (Friday) and discovered that her precious son's heart was no longer beating. He is her and her husband's first child. I don't even know his name, but I have been thinking of him all day...
This is really affecting me, especially with this little boy being born just days after my Lily's birthday. It is bringing back memories of that raw pain and grief from spring 2010. I think the fact that this child is born so close to when Lily was born is making it harder for me because I am already dealing with all my own memories and anniversary dates. My heart is grieved knowing that the spring season and the month of March will now hold similar feelings and memories for this family.
I can't stand knowing their family is walking through what my family has walked through the past 4 years. I have cried today for the mother and father of this sweet boy, his aunts, and uncles, grandparents, cousins... the loss of a baby affects so, so many. It is so shocking and devastating. I can't get them out of my mind.
I am ready for March to be over. Next week, I will be dealing with the anniversary date of Lily's burial. And this family will be burying their son... maybe even on the same date.
Not only is this reminding me of the sorrow of spring 2010... but it is also reminding me of Jesus' supernatural strength and grace that met me in the delivery room on March 16, 2010 and has carried me ever since. He is always good. He is always in control. And He has a plan. Oh what hope there is for those whose faith is in Jesus!
I wish I could do more to help them during this time, but since I cannot, I will be praying for them. And I will be sharing some resources that I hope they find helpful. Please pray the Lord gives them hope and comfort during this excruciatingly painful time.
Spring is officially here and for me, it's a bittersweet time of year. It reminds me of the time Lily came...and went. She was born just days before spring started. In the first few weeks after losing her, all the flowers were blooming so beautifully and the sun grew stronger on my skin. The birds were happily chirping along, preparing nests for their wee ones. It felt wrong that life was marching on, the seasons were changing, even though she wasn't there. It felt like everything was supposed to stop since her life had ended. With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. Spring and Lily...they came together. I see the hand of my God in choosing for Lily's birthday, the genesis of Spring, and Easter to all be within just a couple weeks of each other. He silently speaks with the vibrant colors, fresh smells, and the beauty of the season. There may be pain, there may be sorrow, there may be winter...oh, but in Him, we have the hope and the certainty that joy and spring are coming! There have been so many of these reminders in my life. Like on the day she was born, as well as on her 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthdays, it was dark and gloomy out, and seemed to reflect the heart of God grieving along with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeks out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue can be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by tears of happiness and tears of sadness. With spring, comes new LIFE, fresh hope. Even here on Earth, the Lord is bringing beauty from ashes. There is spring even here, in this fallen world. Through my own sin and sorrow, He is giving me a life and a purpose through Lily's life and legacy. What the world would look at as hopeless, God has turned into something so breathtakingly beautiful. In the midst of darkness, He brings glorious light. He uses the very things the enemy means to destroy us with and brings glory to Himself. He uses all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He brings new life out of tragedy and heartbreak. Even with the pain, I would never choose another way. I am honored to have been chosen to be Lily's mother. I am honored that God would choose to speak His promise of everlasting LIFE through Lily's and my story. She was born on March 16 (3:16) and yet again, He silently speaks His promise of spring... "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 Not only does God somehow, some magnificent way bring beauty and spring here on Earth, but He reminds me that spring is coming. Eternal spring. Life with Him forever. But, forever doesn't have to begin when I die. I have Him now. I have His promises now, even though I don't tangibly have them yet, I do have them, for He's promised them to me. And I trust Him. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of Eternity!
So with this change of season, may we each cling to the HOPE that's Christ. May we cling to the promise that He can and will bring beauty and spring out of sorrow and winter. Both here on Earth...and for all Eternity. Spring is coming.Hallelujah! "Our Lord has written the promise of the resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime." -Martin Luther "Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5 This is a song off Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "Beauty Will Rise," that has been most instrumental in my healing journey. It flowed out of the Chapman's loss of their own precious daughter. This song reminds me so much of Lily, spring, and the promise I have in Christ. May you be blessed by it today as well.
The days following Lily's birthday have been even harder than the days leading up to, as well as her actual birthday. I wasn't expecting this at all.
I think it is partly because of the weather. It has been cold and rainy for the last few days. Tomorrow is the first day of spring and I am so ready for sunny skies and warmer days.
Everything is feeling so.... gray.
To be honest, I am having a hard time getting back to day-to-day life. Work. More classes starting this week after spring break. Among all the other life activities. I just want to stay a while in this place where people seem to remember Lily more than the rest of the year. I want to stay a while in my memories of March 16, 2010. This place where maybe people understand more the missing even when they don't understand the other months of the year.
Instead, another March 16 has now passed and we had a beautiful celebration without the guest of honor. Now it is March 19 and life must continue on... without her. Life has been continuing on without her for four years now, but that doesn't change the missing. I have been thinking about Lily, her birth, her burial, and other things having to do with her...
Lately, I have been so busy thinking about what to do and actually preparing for Lily's birthday that I didn't have time to feel so sad. Lily's birthday weekend was really special, but now it's over. I don't want it to already be over. Now that it's over, the sadness is catching up with me. Lily's birthday is a very hard day, but it is such a sacred day where it feels like the distance between Heaven and Earth is a little less and my daughter of Heaven is a little closer.
March is a hard month - from the beginning to the end. It is a gift to my mother heart when people simply remember Lily with me this month. Thank you to those who remember her.
On Monday morning, the day after Lily's birthday, I woke up feeling so deeply sorrowful. Lily's day was over. Now it's back to life without her. It's back to people not thinking of her. Monday (March 17) marked four years since I last held Lily and the day I left the hospital without her.
My sister-in-law sent me an uplifting email that morning that felt like sweet encouragement from above. I hadn't told Kala how I was feeling, so this literally felt like God was giving me a message through her. "Hope you are doing OK today. Remember, Jesus said He is with you always... all day, every day! He is with you today, March 17th just as much as He was with you yesterday, March 16th. :) We still remember Lily, even today, even March 27th, even April 7th. Even April 17th. Her footprints on our hearts and lives won't be forgotten, can't be forgotten. Please know this. We are who we are in part because of her life and the testimony of her mother (I am speaking of myself specifically). May this bring you comfort my dear sister."
This was such a precious reminder that Jesus is always with me, every day of every March and every other day of the year too. And He loves Lily and remembers her with me even today. And tomorrow I can say even today too... and every day after that it will be even today.
And not only that, but those that love Lily will always love Lily and will never forget her. The Lord has been giving me many beautiful reminders of this lately.
As we move further away from March 16, I pray He keeps these comforting truths on my heart. And I pray He lifts some of this heaviness off of my shoulders. Just having people remember her with me helps lighten the load.
Lily's special spot decorated for her birthday... much more about her special day later!
When I was picking up the little boy "J" that I nanny (he was born on the exact same day as Lily), the teacher called for him and a little girl named Lily...
I look back at his car seat in my car and realize my girl would need the same size car seat now. So many moments...
My incredibly thoughtful and caring friend Heather gave me the most precious and priceless gift for Lily's 4th birthday. She wrote a song for me in honor and remembrance of Lily and her brief but beautiful life on this Earth.
This is the email Heather sent along with the song:
Hello Hannah Rose, I know this is a day early, but I couldn't wait any longer! This is my gift to you in honor and remembrance of Lily and her beautiful but brief life on this earth. I began thinking about writing this song shortly before you came to CO in September, but didn't have my mind fully wrapped around it. As March approached, I decided it needed to come to fruition for March 16, 2014. So I began praying and writing, and this is what came about. It has been a very precious and very serious process for me, knowing that I need to accurately portray a story not my own in a way that is beautiful and clear. I tried to incorporate ways that you have used to describe Lily and your story, and since this is written from your perspective, trying to also capture the deep emotion, love, joy and sorrow that is apart of it. I know there are probably things that could have or should have been added, but I pray that this will richly bless you, and it truly is a clear portrayal of yours and Lily's story. My desire was for you to have a song that was specifically for Lily, from the outflow of your heart. May this birthday weekend be one of deepest joy coupled with the grieving that is needful to bring peace and greater rest in our Lord Jesus. Thank you for your bravery, for your vulnerability, for sharing your story with us, and allowing the Lord to use it to show His redemptive, beautiful, powerful, loving, purifying work in a life given to Him! I also thought you would enjoy having the lyrics! It was fun to put together a page that would go with the song, and I tried to design it in such a way that was similar to the style you like (old fashioned, with very feminine colors). Much, much love to you, Hannah Rose! And Happy Birthday, sweet Lily Katherine. Your sister in Christ, Heather
Heather had told me that she would be sending something for Lily's birthday and I honestly had no idea what it could be. I was at Lily's special spot with my dad on Saturday, the day before Lily's birthday, fixing Lily's flower vase when I first saw Heather's email (that was special to be at her spot when I first discovered Lily has a song now). :) As soon as I read that she had written a song for Lily and I, the tears started falling.
Even though I knew that she had written a song, I decided to wait until the next morning, on Lily's actual birthday, to listen to it for the first time. This gave me something to look forward to. On the morning of Lily's birthday, my mom, dad, grandmother, and I all listened to it together... there were lots of tears. I kept saying, "I just can't believe she wrote me a song!"
I cannot begin to describe how much this song means to me and how beautiful I think it is. This is one of the most thoughtful and special gifts I have ever received. It has truly been the highlight of Lily's birthday this year. It has made her day very special and has erased some of the bitter from the bittersweet.
The lyrics are absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Heather has somehow captured my mother heart in these words, Lily's life and legacy, and what it means to me to be her mommy. The song just fits Lily - it is so gentle and sweet, yet also has a bittersweet sound. It depicts the sacred dance of grief and joy. Heather is an amazing musician. I have thought her voice and piano playing is so beautiful ever since I first heard her during our Ellerslie semester when I first met her. Her sweet voice matches this song perfectly.
Something that is so neat - I was recently on a friend of mine's blog and saw that someone had written a song in honor of her daughter (who is also in Heaven). I thought to myself how special that was and how much I wish Lily could have a song written about her. I wished that I was a musician, but since I am not, I dreamed of having someone write a song that shows the beauty of Lily Katherine. This was literally a week or so ago! Then came this very sweet surprise. It feels like a gift from Jesus. :)
Music has been a big part of my healing, so it means so much that Lily now has a song all her own. I love how Heather has included things that I have said or written about Lily. Somehow she summed up Lily's life and legacy in one song. I have always had a difficult time saying all I want to say in few words. Heather has done that with this song.
I have been listening to the song over and over (I even had it playing on repeat on my way home from Virginia to North Carolina). The chorus is stuck in my head. I couldn't love Lily's song more.
I was able to play Lily's song at her birthday celebration yesterday (more about that later).
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Heather, for this gift that I will treasure forever.
"Sweet Lily" lyrics (listen to the song below or by clicking HERE)
Four years ago today, on March 16, 2010, a sweet little flower named Lily Katherine was born, though the day unfolded unlike any of us expected.
Instead of newborn cries being heard at her birth, our room at the Rex Birthing Center in Raleigh, North Carolina was drowned in silence that pierced our hearts.
Lily was perfectly formed and perfectly lovely. All 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21 inches of her. She had the most adorable button-nose and heart-shaped lips, tiny precious eyelashes and eyebrows. She was my mini-me. But she was still. She would never open her eyes to gaze back into mine. I would never hear her sweet cry or feel her tiny hand wrapped around my finger. She would never see her own mother whose voice was so familiar. My womb was the only home she ever knew on Earth.
Now she rests in the arms of Jesus in her forever home. Where she will remain "forever pure and innocent," just as her name means.
God gave me the most precious gift I've ever received in Lily Katherine's life (besides salvation). Just as people give flowers to those they care about as a symbol of love, God gave me a little flower named Lily to show His love for me. Yet another reason I believe why He chose for her name to be Lily.
Unlike flowers on Earth that wither away and die, my little flower Lily Katherine will never wither away. She may not be alive on Earth, but her legacy is vibrantly alive. As soon as it seems her legacy might be withering away, the Lord breaths His breath of Life upon it, causing it to bloom all over again. You see, my Lily isn't a regular flower - she is an eternal flower, given as an eternal gift from an eternal God. The gift of her life will keep on giving to anyone who is blessed enough to hear her story. Not only will her legacy bloom forever on Earth, but she is blooming with Life in Jesus... in Heaven forever and ever. Her body is in the ground, but the beauty and brilliance of this flower named Lily Katherine will never fade away.
March 16, 2010 was the day I gave birth to my first-born child. Though she is not here to celebrate with us, she is worth being celebrated each year on her special day. She is a real little girl who was really born. Each year, as March 16 rolls around yet again, I will wonder who Lily might have become. A part of me will see her as whatever age she'd be had she lived. I will wonder what she would have looked like, what she would enjoy, and all that her full life could have held. Yet another part of me will forever see her as my baby daughter.
Somehow in the midst of all my wonderings and imaginings of who she might have become, He whispers peace to my heart and gives the gentle assurance that she was never meant to be a little girl of this world. She was called to a higher purpose, a Heavenly one, and she is called to be my daughter of Heaven. I am called to mother her legacy from Earth. But, I am a mere human, a mother, who misses the precious baby... the little girl... the teenager... the grown woman with babies of her own. I cry because of how much I miss her, yet I smile even through the tears because I am thankful I was given the gift of carrying her and knowing her at all.
What can I possibly say that I have not already said or written? Some things are worth repeating a thousand times... like I love Lily more than words could ever describe and mothering her has been the hardest thing I've ever done. But it has also been the most rewarding and beautiful honor of my life.
There will always be a missing piece of my heart this side of Heaven, a Lily-shaped piece that she took with her on the day God called her home. I trust completely that one day, that piece will finally be filled. Totally and completely. When I meet Jesus face-to-face. On that same glorious day, I get to meet Lily face-to-face too. Until then, I will go on honoring, loving, missing, remembering, celebrating, mothering...
In honor of Lily's 4th birthday in Heaven, here are some of my favorite photos from March 16, 2010...
my mini-me... the first time I held her
I have never shared this before, but this is Lily with her father
My awesome dad fixed Lily's vase today (see photo below). It is setting now and seems to be good to go! After her having no vase for a couple months, this is such a relief for me. Now it is ready for fresh birthday flowers tomorrow. My parents are wonderful grandparents to our Lily girl. :)
I have been enjoying the day with my grandmother. We had lunch at a cute bagel place unique to the area (Bodo's Bagels) and then got some birthday things for Lily. The weather is perfect today! I am praying it stays that way for tomorrow.
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