Saturday, February 23, 2013

Planning Lily's 3rd Birthday

The month of February is just flying by. In less than a week, Luke's month will be over and Lily's month will be here. I have said this before, but as soon as a new year rolls around, it feels like a fog settles in on my heart until April arrives. It's emotionally draining to have Luke's and Lily's months back-to-back. It always feels like March is looming on the horizon as soon as January comes and I am bracing myself for what will come. 

In three weeks from today, we will celebrate Lily's 3rd Birthday in Heaven. How can it have already been that long since I held her in my arms? Only three more weeks until she'd be 3?! She will have a Saturday birthday this year. Saturday birthdays are always special. The countdown in weeks begins and once March is here, the countdown in days will begin.

Last year, I mentioned that I felt a little bit of the birthday excitement and anticipation for Lily's special day. This year, I can honestly say that excitement has grown from what it was last year. And I am feeling it much sooner than last year. For the first two years after losing Lily, I dreaded March, but now I am excited for it. It's such a sacred time for me.

For Lily's first two birthdays, I was so consumed with grief that I didn't really plan much beforehand. I sort of winged it all last minute. But this year, I want to make her day really special and beautiful in her honor. Not that it wasn't for her 1st and 2nd birthdays, but I want to be more purposeful in my planning this year. I feel I am in a different place than I was last year and the year before. I have already been coming up with ideas for Lily's birthday, planning, and making a few purchases. This is the earliest I have ever done it. And honestly it's not that early - it just felt like it was really early until I realized how few days there really are left to get things together.

I can honestly say this year I feel more at peace about her month/day. I miss her more than words can say and I know it will be hard...but I also know it will be beautiful. A beautiful celebration of her beautiful LIFE. I am so thankful we have her birthday, a special day that's her very own to rejoice over her. I am thankful that March 16th will forever and always be my first-born's birthday. And I will celebrate it each year, no matter how much time passes. I am thankful that God has given me a joy in my heart when I think of a month that has brought me so much sorrow.  I am thankful that so much joy can coexist with so much sadness. That is only Jesus. I am thankful that I can have that birthday anticipation for my sweet girl. I am thankful that I can plan and make it special. I am thankful I have others who wish to celebrate her life and legacy with me. 

No, Lily is not here. But, she was still born on March 16th, 2010. She is still a beautiful life worthy of being celebrated.

My mother heart so longs to be planning a 3rd birthday party for my sweet girl. It is really hard to find things that are appropriate for a little girl's Heavenly Birthday celebration. I am constantly bombarded by things for a little birthday girl who lives on earth. There are so many things I see that I wish there was a need to get or make. So many outfits or things I see and I say, "if Lily were here, that is something I would like for her," or "if Lily were here, I'd like to have that for her party." I wish I was getting her gifts for her birthday, but instead I am getting memorial items for myself and my family. I wish there was some sort of website or store with birthday supplies for parties celebrating Heavenly babies. There just isn't a need for so many of the things that pop up when I search for birthday supplies. And it makes my heart heavy to see those things I will never need for her.

In my searching for items to make her day extra special, I was on Etsy and looked up birthday supplies - not anything to do with the name Lily, little girls, the month of March, or 3rd birthdays. And this picture came up in my search... 


I just had to share it. Out of all names - Lily's. The same spelling, her 3rd birthday, and in March. It made my heart happy-sad. Things like this always seem to happen to me. It is hard when it happens, but also a sweet reminder that Jesus remembers my girl and her special day.

I wish I were preparing adorable birthday party invitations like in the photo to mail out to friends and family. And other little toddlers who would be Lily's friends. Little children I will never meet because she isn't here. But, there is no need for such invitations. At least not this year. Maybe at some point in the future, when I am ready, I will have a bigger "party" to celebrate her and I will get to have fun and come up with some sort of creative cards. But, not yet. This year, I plan on being with my family only on her day. That's what my heart needs. And I plan on seeing a few close friends at some point around her birthday. My mom and I also hope to have a special little get-together with our neighbor Joanna, who we are very close with now. It's crazy that her daughter shares a birthday with my daughter! She will be 10 this year. That means she turned 7 on the day Lily was born and we didn't even know it, even though she lives two houses down. For the past two years, we gave her a gift on her birthday. A few nights ago, we asked Joanna what Ashley might like for her birthday this year. She said we don't have to do that...and we know that. But, we enjoy doing it as a part of remembering our girl. This year it will be even more special because we have gotten close to their family. We are going to ask them if they want to do something with us in celebration of both Ashley and Lily.

Anyways...these are some of the special things I have planned. And I would love to hear any ideas you all might have for ways to honor and celebrate Lily's special day. What have you done in honor of your baby's special days?

-Have hashbrowns on March 14th (which was her due date, National Potato Chip Day. One of her nicknames was "Spud," and ironically the food I craved most during my pregnancy was hashbrowns.) :)
-Eat red-velvet cake (a tradition started on her 1st birthday because we had it at her Valentine's-themed baby shower).
-Eat at Cracker Barrel (my favorite restaurant - another tradition).
-Donate hospital comfort boxes to the hospital where Lily was born to be given to families who have lost a baby.
-Everyone wear pink and brown (Lily's two special colors).
-I will be hosting a couple blog giveaways in honor of her day. :)
-My dear friend Elise offered to decorate Lily's special spot (where she is buried) for her birthday. I am getting things together to mail to her since I can't go myself. Any ideas for how to decorate a baby's burial spot for their birthday?

I think I am ordering two of these balloons for her birthday. One to have here with me and one to send to my friend Elise to take to her spot. It's perfect with the color pink, flowers, a butterfly, and her name. :)


These are just some of my favorite plans...I have other ideas and there are other traditions/things planned that I will share once her birthday comes. :)

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Friday, February 22, 2013

She's in Each Lovely Thing

A poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.

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Subway Art for Lily and Luke

A precious blog reader name Angela offered to make me two pieces of Subway Art, one in honor of Lily and one in honor of Luke. She asked for the colors and words/phrases I wanted to be used. I LOVE how they turned out! It brings me to tears to think of one day framing these to hang in a hoped-for "rainbow baby's" nursery, in honor of his/her big brother and sister. :'-)

The font, layout, and colors are beautiful!

For Lily's, I requested brown and pink, which are the two colors together that remind me of her. For both, I wanted their first and middle names and their special dates. I wanted there to be similarities in them both...Lily's says, "Luke's little sister," and Luke's says, "Lily's big brother." Luke's says, "first child of my heart" and Lily's says, "first born." Lily's has her nickname "Spud" because she was due on March 14, National Potato Chip Day. :) We eat hashbrowns in her honor each year on the anniversary of the day she was due. Her name means "purity and innocence," which is exactly what she will remain forever and she is a symbol of my redemption in Christ Jesus. She is a "set-apart princess" and has a "beautiful legacy" and she will forever be "my little flower." She is my "daughter of Heaven" and "brought me back to Him." I also included "just one life," because she is just one life who never spoke a word or took a breath...yet look how God is using her mightily! None of us should ever feel like we are "just one person" and cannot make a difference in this world. It is up to God to decide what He does with our lives!

For Luke's, I requested brown and the color green that reminds me of him...I wanted it to have brown in it like Lily's to look like they go together. I included phrases from songs that remind me of Luke, such as "nothing is wasted," and "beauty will rise." I included my promise to him, "I will be your voice." I also included phrases of where I am in Christ, "forgiven and free." And a piece of my favorite quote by Corrie ten Boom, "no pit so deep," from her quote "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." I also included the phrase "fearfully and wonderfully made" from Psalm 139:14, which is one of my favorite verses that reminds me of my babies. Shiloh means "peace," because the Lord has brought peace to my heart and I have peace knowing Luke is "safe in the arms of Jesus." And Lily was "born into the arms of Jesus." They both wait for me there...Luke means "light" and Jesus brought "darkness to light" in my life. Lily's also says "darkness to light" because they are both a part of the story of how God changed my life and brought glory to Himself.


Thank you so much, Angela! This was so sweet and thoughtful of you and I will treasure these two pieces of art always. :) You can read the story of Angela's precious son, Mattiaus, who she creates Subway Art in honor and memory of, on her lovely blog.

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Thursday, February 21, 2013

Shells in the Sand in Hawaii

I recently shared Lily's and Luke's names in the sand on a beach in Nanakuli, Hawaii, written by Nicole from Angel Babies Names in the Sand. Nicole also writes babies names on seashells and takes photos of them on the shore by the ocean and then mails them out. She took these gorgeous photos of Lily's and Luke's names on shells - one photo of both shells together, as well as two photos of them separately. Thank you, Nicole, for being so sweet and offering to send me both! :)




The shells made their way home in one piece! I am happy to add these to Lily's memory chest and Luke's memory box. It is always so special to have things to do for my babies, in their honor and memory. :)

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Monday, February 18, 2013

Walking With You - Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 6: February 11, 2013 ~ Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)


For the final post in this segment, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms. Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again. Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons. Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief. Can you experience hope and healing… even if there is no rainbow after the storm? Lori Ennis will be guest posting on this blog and I will share some thoughts as well. We hope many of you will also join in, linking your own posts.


*Click here to join in this week.*




My story is different than most stories of those who've lost a baby. I am single and my only children live in Heaven. I lost them when I was only 19 and 20.

In the past couple weeks, the following things have happened among people I know...A baby has been born. Someone has gotten married. A close friend of mine just told me last night that she is in a relationship with a young man now. Another friend also announced being in a relationship. And there has been a pregnancy announcement...ok, make that two pregnancy announcements as of just a moment ago. I also have gone to a baby shower, a 1st birthday party, a Christening celebration, and another 1st birthday party is coming up this weekend...

One of the dearest dreams of my heart is to be a wife and mother. I already am a mother, but I long for children on earth to raise. Having and losing my two precious children has only intensified that longing tremendously. Because of my circumstances, having a "rainbow baby" right now isn't a possibility. And each time I hear another announcement like those I listed above or attend another celebration, it's like I'm handed an invitation to my very own pity-party.

It is a daily choice I must make whether I will accept or decline that invitation.

I watched a movie a few months ago that was so convicting and changed the way I was thinking. In the movie, a young couple was struggling with infertility and had a failed adoption. In one scene, the wife says to her husband, "Is it so wrong that I want to be a mom? I want a baby more than anything!" And he responded, "No, it's not wrong. It's the "more than anything part."

The Lord whispered to my heart...Who or what do you love more than anything? Who or what do you desire more than anything? Is it Me or the desire for a husband and children?

There is nothing wrong with having a deep desire to be a mom and wife, especially because I believe the Lord gave me those dreams. However, even pure desires can become idols in our hearts when we place our desire for those things above our desire for God.

True joy is not always found when we get what we want, what we think is best for us. Authentic joy is found when we surrender all into the hands of He who loves us more than we could ever comprehend and realize that He is always good. He desires what's best for our lives and we find joy when we are hidden in Him.

I truly believe having a healthy baby one day would help heal my heart in so many ways...but only to an extent. Jesus is the only One who can heal the deepest parts of me. Not being in the position to have another child has honestly been a blessing in disguise. It has caused me to turn my entire heart and being to the Lord. Instead of seeking to find healing in another pregnancy and baby to fill my empty arms, I have had to depend on Him to fill my empty heart. And I know that one day, if it's in God's will and when I'm ready, I will have a rainbow baby. But, I will know that baby won't replace my first two babies and won't fill my emptiness.

Instead of constantly waiting for and anticipating the future, I pray God will make me content with each season I'm in, as I'm living it. Life is a journey and we must walk each step to get to the next. I pray that instead of walking the steps as fast as I can and constantly looking off into the distance, into something I can't see or can barely see...that I will slow down and embrace each step of this beautiful LIFE with Him. I pray He gives me eyes to see the precious gifts He gives me. I pray that I will look to my left and right, to see the gorgeous flowers blooming, feel the sun shining, enjoy a lovely breeze. I pray that I will stop and bend over to "smell the roses."

One of my favorite quotes that rings true is by Amy Carmichael which says, “It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire which He creates.

I know that if it is God's best for my life, that I will get married and have children one day. But, I also know that if these things don't happen, then that is what's best. I choose to surrender these longings and feelings into His hands and to trust Him with the pen to write my life story. I know His "train ticket of grace" will be there for me to face whatever comes.

I know this season of singleness is a sacred and beautiful time. I know I am to be purposeful in my singleness and not waste these precious days...whether they be few or forever.

Our Heavenly Father is enough to fill our deepest longings. No matter what our present circumstances may be, He is enough. Surrender your hopes, dreams, and plans into His trustworthy hands. If fear is gripping your heart over the thought of having another baby, trust Him. Trust Him with your life and the lives of your future children. Trust that He is greater than any medical problem or condition. 

Are we willing to surrender that which is most precious to us, even if the Lord never gives those dreams back? Are we willing to trust that He has His perfect plan for our lives? And the perfect timing for it all to unfold?

I won't pretend to understand what it's like to be married and have infertility...I won't pretend I know what it's like to lose your only child and any hope for a healthy child be taken away...I won't pretend I know what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes other than my own. But here's what I do know...I know that God loves His children and He desires the best for us. I know He is in control. I know we can trust Him even when we don't understand. I know He is good always. I know He has a plan and a purpose beyond what we can see in this moment. I know that even if I never get my "rainbow baby" on earth that Jesus Himself is my rainbow. He is my hope and healing after the storm of sin, sorrow, and loss. He is my light in the darkness. He Himself is the answer.

‎"I know now, Lord, why You utter no answer. You are Yourself the answer. Before Your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?" ~C. S. Lewis



Thank you Kelly for hosting this awesome series! I have been truly blessed and encouraged in walking with all you ladies. Thank you for coming to my space and reading about the lives and legacies of my babies. I hope to continue to stay connected with you, even though the series is now over.

I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. 

We can also connect on facebook. 
Here is my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Lilys-Legacy/169146136429152
And here is my personal facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/roseandherlily

Love and Hugs,
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Saturday, February 16, 2013

Peace Doves

Here are Lily's and Luke's gorgeous Peace Doves, drawn by Carly Marie on The Seashore of Remembrance in Western Australia. They are perfect because they symbolize the peace the Lord has brought my heart...and Shiloh means peace. :) I love getting new art from Carly!



On another note, I can hardly believe Lily's 3rd Birthday in Heaven is a month from today...the countdown begins. I don't really know how to expect it to feel.

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Thursday, February 14, 2013

My Heavenly Valentines

My gorgeous Valentine's Sand Hearts made by Catherine from The Sacred Seashore

I love Valentine's Day. :) I know many people say it's too commercialized and think it's a stupid holiday, but I don't care. I enjoy most all holidays and like any excuse to celebrate LIFE! I love a day that's all about love...even if not romantic love because I have no "special someone" in my life.

For a couple reasons though Valentine's Day is tough...

Three years ago, my baby shower for Lily was on February 13th. It was a Valentine's-themed shower, with hearts and pink galore! We had red-velvet cake, which is where we started the tradition of having red-velvet cake for Lily's birthday celebrations. Now, the cake and the holiday will forever remind me of my girl. It's simply bittersweet. Bitter because of how I miss her so and sweet because of the precious memory. I am very thankful for that happy and beautiful memory with her. I will always associate Valentine's Day with Lily now and will remember her baby shower around this day. I wrote a post before called Days Nobody Remembers, and the day of my shower is one of those days...those days that I will forever remember, even if nobody else does. There are days that will be etched into my heart and mind always.

Valentine's Day also falls in Luke's "Heaven Month," which makes me think of him. 

I wish my two Valentines were here with me to smother with hugs and kisses. They are my Heavenly Valentines and I blow kisses to the sky, to Heaven.

It hurts to see all the pictures of everyone's sweet Valentine's in their special pink-and-red-with-hearts outfits...and to know my two children will never wear those outfits. Or make me a valentine with hearts and "mommy" scribbled across it.

On this day of love, I will celebrate still. Celebrate the love my Jesus has for me and my babies and it's because of this great love that I will see them again. Celebrate the love I have for Lily and Luke and will have forever and for always.

They are eternally loved.

They are eternally safe with Jesus.

They are eternally mine.



Thank you Catherine from Gabriel's Garden for the two beautiful images above.

My dear friend Laura sent me the sweetest, most thoughtful and beautiful homemade card for Valentine's Day. It made my day! Thank you, my friend! It's perfect with a flower for Lily "my little flower," and a butterfly which reminds me of Luke. I love it! On the inside, she wrote a sweet message of how she is remembering Luke this month. :)


Today has been special because I got to spend some of the day with Olivia Rose, the little girl I nanny for. She is already 6 months old! It was very sweet to be with her on her first Valentine's Day. It's such a blessing being her nanny. :) Here we are in our pink and red.


There was the most gorgeous pink sunset painting the sky on this Valentine's Day evening! What a sweet gift from Jesus. :)

My Valentine's plans consist of eating a red-velvet cupcake in honor of Lily, lighting a heart-shaped candle, and eating out at Red Lobster tomorrow! It's sort of a mixed-celebration for my half-birthday (which was on the 12th), for Valentine's Day, and in remembrance of Lily's shower. What special things do you have planned? I wish you a peaceful day if you have a Valentine in Heaven and a beautiful day as well if all your Valentines are here on earth. :)

This is the very special poem my mom wrote in honor of Lily to give to me for Valentine's Day in 2011. I like to share it each year. It brings me to tears each time I read it...

GOODBYE LILY KATHERINE
By Ginny Bain Allen 
Valentine's Day 2011

In my daughter's womb, grew her gift from above.
We readied a room, for her wee one to love.

On our merry way rejoicing, to a glorious celebration.
Expecting our flower’s arriving, Jesus' tears hid the sun.

God had bid her go before we said, "Hello."

Goodbye budding life. Goodbye shattered dreams.

Goodbye precious babe lying still in our arms.

Goodbye sweet nursing and soft cries.
Goodbye to rocking and lullabies.

Goodbye wonder and curiosity.
Goodbye to kissing who you would be.

Goodbye to hearing "Dukes" and "ma-ma" too.
Goodbye to discovering wonderful you.

Goodbye snuggling you to our hearts.
Goodbye tore our lives apart.

Goodbye to our pure Lily Katherine.
Goodbye ‘til we meet you in Heaven.


Valentine's Day Heart by Carly Marie
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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Valentine's Hearts

Catherine from The Sacred Seashore created these beautiful Valentine's Hearts in honor of Lily and Luke for Valentine's Day 2013 on Cabrillo Beach in Los Angeles, California. 

L&L are my two Heavenly Valentine's and I love having their names written on beaches, so this is really special to have. :) Especially because Luke's Heaven month is February and Lily's baby shower was a Valentine's-themed shower. 

I love all the different photos and that some have their names individually and some have their names together. Thank you so much, Catherine!








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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks

I want to share something beautiful that was done in remembrance of Lily and Luke. My blog friend, Kyla, paints rocks for babies of Heaven in honor of her daughter, Tossie, who was stillborn on September 10th, 2012. She then takes photos of the rocks at sunrise by a special tree that reminds her of her little girl.

This is what she says on her website:

I have found great comfort in seeing Tossie's name. One day as I was walking home from her Tree, I spotted a rock. The rock was beautiful by itself, but I knew that Tossie's name would be beautiful painted on the rock. So, I carried it home, got out my paints and started painting. A pink rose with her name. Simple but beautiful. The next morning I took her rock with me to her Tree. I photographed it as the sun rose behind it. The feeling I felt was amazing. It was chilly outside and when I looked at the photo of her rock with the sunrise behind it- I felt warm. That feeling continues with each rock I paint and photograph.

When requesting a painted rock, you are able to ask for the name you want, as well as what colors and symbol you'd like. For Lily, I requested a pink flower because that's her color and she's "my little flower." And for Luke, I requested a green butterfly because both the color and symbol remind me of him. Kyla was so sweet to photograph my rocks both separately and together. Aren't the rocks and photos gorgeous?




Kyla asked if she could use the picture of Lily's and Luke's rocks to be used for an ad for her page. What an honor. :)


Kyla was so sweet to mail my rocks home to me. They are now in Lily's and Luke's memory chest and box and I will treasure them always. Thank you for this very special way you are loving the babyloss community, Kyla! You are very talented and very sweet. What an amazing way you are honoring Tossie.

If you would like to request a rock for your baby, visit this link. While you're there, take some time to read Kyla's and Tossie's story and maybe even become a blog follower. :) Also, be sure to like Tossie's Tree on facebook

As a side note, today (February 12th) is my Half-Birthday! Yes, I celebrate those even in my 20's. :)

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Monday, February 11, 2013

CNN Story on Abortion - Need Testimonies!

For post-abortive men and women: 

CNN has a special department called iReports and they have posted a new one called Have you had an abortion? Then they asked the question - How do you feel about it now? 



Here is the description:
Forty years ago this year, the Supreme Court decided the historic Roe v. Wade case regarding whether women in the United States are legally permitted to have abortions. The result is that abortion cannot be legally banned, but states can regulate abortion procedures starting at the end of the pregnancy's first trimester.
As much as abortion gets debated politically, rarely do we read stories of women who have chosen to terminate a pregnancy. We want to hear from anyone who has had first-hand experience with abortion. How difficult was the decision? How do you feel about it now? How did it change your life?
We understand that abortion is a sensitive subject, and all submissions will be treated with discretion. You don’t have to show yourself on camera. But feel free to write your thoughts, record your voice, or make a video telling us about your story.
You could be part of a story for CNN.com.
Please send your submission by February 15th.

Please go to this link – it requires you to register to be able to post your answer (your testimony) to their question. You can do it via text, audio or video. We must take this opportunity to flood the response with testimonies of men and women who regret their abortions! And stories of healing in Jesus Christ. Please take the time to do this, it is very important. We must be a voice for the unborn and for the men and women who live with the scar of abortion. Spread the word.

Other Pro-Life readers who are not post-abortive, we need you too! Tell CNN that my story and the stories of the courageous men and women who are sharing need to be told! On each post, you are able to "Recommend" it on facebook, leave a comment and leave feedback for CNN. Take the time to read some of these incredible stories.

You can go to this link to read what I submitted.


Blessings!

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Saturday, February 9, 2013

Walking With You - The Comparison Trap

I am participating in the Walking With You series that Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries is hosting. To see all my posts for this series, click here.

Week 5: February 4, 2013 ~ Mirror, Mirror, The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in Heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!

*Click here to join in this week.*



Honestly, when I first read the prompt for this week, I didn't have a clue what to share. It has taken me several days to even sit down and think about what I want to write...

I have wondered several times if I am "doing" this thing called grief "correctly" when I look at what others do/don't do compared with what I do/don't do. 

I pour myself into this blog. And I have found that many people who had losses around the same time I did hardly write anymore, if ever. I miss connecting with some of the babyloss moms that used to be such a lifeline to me in the beginning. It is truly so hard to believe that it is coming up on 3 years since my little flower whispered hello and goodbye all in one breath. Is it unhealthy or unusual that I still find peace and joy writing here in this space? Sometimes I wonder if those that lost their babies more recently find it weird that I'm still blogging after so much time has passed. Do they think they will be more "past the loss" in that same amount of time? Will I still be here blogging, even when these bloggers move on and have their rainbows? Will I still be single and have no baby on earth to raise? Am I not healing properly if I still like sharing so much? My blog has definitely changed in the past 3 years. I used to primarily write about my loss and grief, but now I write a lot about Pro-Life things and I really enjoy sharing ideas and resources with others. On the other hand, I wonder why these people don't write anymore, almost like they are neglecting their baby's sacred space.

I also have found myself comparing how I choose to honor and remember Lily and Luke to how others honor and remember their children of Heaven. I find myself wondering if people think ways I choose to honor my children are strange. I like doing lots of different things...such as getting names in the sand photos, remembrance jewelry, among so many other things. I look at some of my friends who don't seem to do much of anything for their children and I sometimes feel like their little one is being forgotten about or neglected. But maybe they think I do too much and that it isn't healthy.

This is what I've learned...

Each one of us grieves differently. And that doesn't mean one of us is "right" and one of us is "wrong." Each person has different ways they choose to honor their children...some choose to do so privately, while others choose to do so publicly. Neither one is better than the other. The fact is, we all love and miss our children and will forever. And whatever we do that helps us cope with that loss is fine. We should never let anyone else tell us what to do/not do and how to do it. Let's all embrace and love one another and honor our children together. Let's respect the way others choose to remember and not judge or criticize because it is different than what we do. I have let go of the fear of what others think.

I am 23 and single and am in a place where I am able to spend time writing a lot more than I probably would be able to if I were married and had other children. Just because others can't do this doesn't mean they've forgotten. And just because I can do this doesn't mean I haven't healed. I grieve very publicly. It isn't always comfortable for me, but I feel like I am supposed to share the lives and legacies of my children, through speaking and writing. I mother my little ones through sharing and all the other things I do for and because of them. I mother their legacies. And because I don't have any children on earth, that is the only motherhood I know. I feel I keep them alive in a way by sharing them. Just as a mother does things for her living children, I find joy and peace doing things for my children of Heaven. There is nothing wrong with that. It may change as time goes on and another page of my life turns. But, for right now...this is where I am and I am comfortable with it.

*I'd love for you to become a follower of my blog, either by email or Google Friend Connect...you can do so on the lefthand side of this blog. :)*

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Monday, February 4, 2013

3801 Lancaster - the devastating reality of abortion

Please take the time to watch this documentary film about an abortionist named Kermit Gosnell, the disaster surrounding his abortion clinic in Philadelphia, and the cover-up by state and local oversight agencies. Allow your eyes and heart to be opened to the devastating reality of what abortion truly is. Abortion hurts EVERYONE involved. It is all about money. It destroys lives. More African-Americans die from abortion than anything else. They are targeted by abortion clinics. Watch this film to learn more about this. Abortion is completely evil and of the enemy. Oh Jesus, how we need You so desperately! 

To learn more about the documentary (which is ongoing) and the case, visit the website. Please pass this along so more people will see the truth!


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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Twilight Star Names

For quite some time, I have been wanting to get Twilight Star Names for Lily and Luke, written by Carly Marie on a beach called Mullaloo Point, which is located near Perth in Western Australia. But, since she can only write them certain times of year, I kept forgetting about it until this year. 

This is how Carly describes the Twilight Star Names:

On occasions when there is an Easterly wind and a clear sky at Christian's Beach there are the most beautiful colours at Twilight when the first sparkle in the sky appears. Twilight Star Names are only available at certain times a year when the conditions at the beach are completely perfect. The perfectly clear skies do not happen all that often.

Thank you so much, Carly Marie! I love them! It's so special to grow my collection of Lily's and Luke's names written in the sand around the world. :)


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Friday, February 1, 2013

Poem for My Son


First child of my womb,
Quietly you grew, hidden from all eyes.
Why didn't I choose LIFE?
Why did I believe the lies?

Flesh of my flesh,
My baby, forever you'll be.
I'm sorry I chose the wrong way.
I'm sorry I didn't SEE.

Your life was not wasted.
Valued and precious you are.
God is speaking mightily through you.
From my thoughts, you will never be far.

From darkness to light,
You will always be a part of the story.
Our Father in Heaven promises
To work all this together for His glory.

Your name means "light" and "peace,"
My precious little one.
That's what He's brought in all of this.
In Christ, the victory is won!

I promise to be your voice
Until my days on earth are through.
I will never be silent
Until the time that I meet you.

In that moment, 
I will gaze upon your face.
I will hold you, kiss you, know you,
In awe of His great mercy and amazing grace.

Even then I know,
Your legacy will still live.
For He breathes beauty into this story,
And purpose He will continue to give.

I love you my little Lukey.
Thank you for changing me.
Until we meet, my darling,
A forever part of me you'll be.

With all my might, I'll fight in your honor,
Until the battle for LIFE is won.
In my eyes and heart,
You will always be my son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is very important for me to do everything I can to honor and memorialize Luke's short, yet precious life. A part of that for me is by writing poems for/about him. This is the first I've written. The first three stanzas of this poem were written on 1-24-12 and the last seven stanzas were written on 12-12-12. It is February now, which is Luke's "Heaven Month." I thought I'd share this today for him...

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