I have struggled a lot with having stretch marks on my stomach from pregnancy, with nothing to show for it. Other mothers who have these marks have a child in their arms to make up for it. A child that says this is where these marks are from and it was worth it. I saw this picture on Facebook (not me) a while back that brought tears to my eyes. This is what it says: "A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it's ugly. That's ok. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be."
These marks feel ugly at times to me, but truly they are a gift... they are a reminder that Lily really, truly was here. She lived, she was real, she matters. My womb was the only home she ever knew. My love and the love of Jesus is all she'll ever know. I call my stretch marks my "Lily marks" because they are the last physical reminder I have left that Lily grew within me for all those beautiful months. Those marks say I am a mother. They are a reminder of the sacred time I carried my girl. Lily was worth every mark. That was one of my fears when I first saw those little blue lines at 19 - how my body would change from pregnancy. I would choose LIFE again all over again, even if I knew from the beginning I'd end up with a completely different body than I had when I was a teenager. Even if I knew I'd end up with stretch marks and a child I hold in my heart, rather than my arms. A mark for every stretch, every yawn, every hiccup, every day of her brief but brilliant life... she is so worth it.
I was just thinking about how much this blog means to me. I have been writing here for 4 1/2 years and I cannot imagine not continuing to do so.
This blog has become my sacred space for Lily. It's her space... the place where she comes alive. The place where her memory is real. The place where I feel my heart rest in knowing she really existed. And I'm really a mother, even without a child on Earth to raise. The place where it feels like others also acknowledge she existed and love and miss her with me. It's the place where I keep her alive in my heart as well as in the hearts of others, even when her body is buried in the Virginia earth and has been for nearly 4 years.
Writing is my way of processing everything - my grief, my loss, my love for her (and Luke). It is how I cope with my life without them. Writing and sharing everything I share on this blog is my way of mothering. It's the only way I know how to mother and honestly I sometimes think that if God blesses me with living children in the future, I won't even know how to do that "normally" because this very "un-normal" way to mother one's child in your 20s is all I know.
I am so thankful for a place to call her own. My safe place. I share so openly about my story and my thoughts and feelings along the path God has chosen for me (which is very difficult to do and sometimes I reconsider being so open out of fear of what others may say or think about me). Do others think I am crazy? Do they think I should be "over" this? Do they not count Lily as "real?" Do they think I dwell on all of this too much?
She was real. And this is a real blog with real words from my real mother's heart that loves and misses my real little girl.
I feel like I have to share... like I have to give voice to her. I have to share what it's like to walk this road. I have to share the value of each life. I have to share the grief over losing a baby. I have to share that God is enough for any and every heartache one might face in this life.
Writing helps me. Sharing her helps me. If I didn't have this blog, I truly believe my heart would be a lot less healed than it is right now. I am thankful God led me to write that first post on my new blog called "Rose and Her Lily" back in October 2009 when I was around halfway through my pregnancy.
I don't know what the future will hold for this blog... but for now I know I must write. For now this is my way of mothering her. Maybe in the future, I will process things and feel the need to mother her differently. But for now this is what I need.
And that is okay...
Thank you to those who care to read these words of mine. Thank you for loving Lily and caring to read about her LIFE and legacy and all the things done in her honor and memory. If you are here, I would love to know who you are. I would love to hear your story. How did you come here? Why do you keep coming back here? I feel like I bare my heart and soul in this place and I would like to at least "meet" who is reading. :)
March never meant much of anything to me. I always thought of it as
one of the boring, winter months that you must endure to arrive at
beautiful spring and summer. All that changed for me in 2010, when my
precious March flower was in my arms and just as quickly, she was
gone...
March is marked by a sacredness. It holds the memory of a little flower that danced into my heart and left me changed forever. When
it comes, all the March memories of 2010 come flooding back. The rest
of the year, I catch myself wondering if I somehow dreamed all this up.
For everything around me is the same as it was before Lily was here.
That's how it is with babyloss. You don't have the reminders that this
person was indeed real, as you have when others pass away. People seem
to easily move on and forget you, your baby, and your grief. All that I
have are the memories of her alive inside me, along with the keepsakes I
cling to and cherish above all else. The footprints, handprints, lock
of hair, photos. When it gets hard to believe she was really even here, I
open that memory chest that's just for her and I hold those tangible
realities that say, yes, Lily Katherine was a real, important, special someone.
As
March makes it's entrance once again on the calender, it becomes much
easier to believe she was real. The bittersweet feelings envelope me.
The veil of sadness returns. The memories of the first half of March
2010, full of happiness and anticipation. The memories of the second
half of March 2010, full of shock, heartbreak, and tears.
March
will never be just another month for me. It will remind me of my
firstborn babe, the babe I never fully got to know. The babe I will
always wonder what might she be like this March, as we approach
her birthday. Whether she be almost 5, 10, or 25. Would she have her own
flower, her own babe in her arms this year, twenty years from now, to
celebrate with us? Each year, as March rolls around, it will mark
another year that she wasn't here. Another year she wasn't growing and
laughing and loving and a part of the family. Another year I've had to
live without her.
March, the saddest, yet most
beautiful month I know. It will always make me sorrowful, wondering who
she would have become, yet it will always bring me joy, knowing that she
was and will forever be in my heart. Though she's not a
part of the family in the way I wanted, she is still a part of each and
every day, for she is etched into the very fabric of our lives.
The book Shades of Blue,
by Karen Kingsbury, is about a young woman who had an abortion nine years
before the time of the book was based. I relate to so many things in the
book and found myself in a puddle of tears more than once when I read it. This
one particular paragraph captures all that my heart longs to express. It
feels as if it's written about me:
"Her life had
moved on, and she tried her best to live in the moment. But their baby
remained in the shadows, a constant presence, there in Emma's mind the
way the date or day of the week was there. She didn't go through the
hours reminding herself constantly that this was Friday. It simply was
Friday. And that fact stayed subtly with her, coloring the background of
everything else about the day. It was like that with their baby." -Karen Kingsbury
Losing
Lily and loving Lily colors every moment of my every day. Though I
don't think of her nonstop, she is always there, in the back of my mind,
in the midst of everything. March makes it even easier to remember and
miss her. My mom said just as her four living children are always in her
thoughts, it is only natural for me as a mother to have my child in my
thoughts. Just because she isn't here doesn't change that mother's love.
I'm
not going to pretend I don't desperately wish she was here to celebrate
her almost 4th birthday. I wish we were planning a special party, full
of only smiles and happy tears. Instead, I will celebrate her
birthday with family and friends. We
will smile and we will cry, both tears of joy and sadness. We will
release balloons to the Heavens and eat red-velvet cake or cupcakes.
For her
special day, she will be in the forefront of my heart and mind. For her
special month, she won't be far off from my thoughts. I will never be
"over" this. I lost my firstborn child, for Pete's sake. And I will
never apologize for grieving as long and as much as I need to. No other
child could ever replace her. My little flower will remain in the
shadows of my heart until the day we reunite in Eternity...
Lily's birthday weekend is in only two weeks! It always comes up fast. I am so excited that birthday preparations are coming together finally. I have been hoping for quite some time to make it up to Virginia for her 4th birthday. Each of her birthdays thus far (including the actual day she was born) have been spent in North Carolina, where I live. But, I am from Virginia and that is where Lily is buried, so I really want to spend some of her birthdays there too.
This is the first year on Lily's birthday that her memorial headstone is there, so it is really important to me to be there. I want to be able to decorate her stone myself, rather than having to send things to my dear friend to decorate for me. I am so thankful this friend does this for me, but it is hard to figure out what I can mail that isn't too big or heavy. And it just doesn't feel right not to be able to do it myself. Tending to Lily's special spot and decorating it for her birthday feels like my way of mothering her. It brings joy to my heart, as strange as it may sound.
I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it up there with financial reasons, work, school, etc... but as of today, things are working out and the plans are almost set. My mom and I (and maybe my dad and siblings) will be going up to Virginia on Friday, March 14th (the date Lily was due) and staying through Monday, March 17th (the date I left the hospital without her). And of course Sunday, March 16th is her 4th birthday in Heaven. Now that it is official we will be going, I need to get all the detailed plans together.
A big reason why I want to make it up there for her special day is so I can get her vase fixed so her spot looks perfect for her on her birthday and for any visitors she may have. I hope to figure all that out with her vase on Saturday. I also want to get all her decorations in place on Saturday so it can be out there for her entire birthday weekend and so I can enjoy it each time I am at the cemetery. I plan on spending quite a bit of time at the cemetery that weekend.
On Sunday (her birthday), is when I am planning a special time of remembrance. I am going to invite a few friends and family members to the cemetery for cake and celebrating Lily's LIFE. I need to call a local baker to see about making a special red-velvet cake (or maybe red-velvet cupcakes, we shall see. I have some ideas). Red-velvet is a tradition on her birthdays. Another tradition is to eat at my favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel, on Lily's birthday, so we will be doing that as well.
A talented musician friend of my grandmother and aunt/uncle is going to be playing her guitar and singing "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman (some of the lyrics to this song are on Lily's stone). I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon to discuss details. Isn't that so kind of her? It means so much to have others remembering Lily with me on her day. I would love to have a butterfly release at the cemetery, but the weather may still be too cold for that... so perhaps we will have a balloon release. I also really want to finish her two scrapbooks by her birthday to share with everyone on that day!
Since a lot of these plans are outside, please pray for good weather! I am praying for blue skies and sunshine and no rain. Also, mid-March weather has the potential to be cold or spring-like in Virginia, so please pray it isn't so cold for us to be out there. I really want to be at her special spot on her special day.
I am missing my sweet girl as usual as her birthday gets closer, but am happy to be planning special things in her honor for her day. I am happy that I will be able to spend the day with my grandmother and other loved ones who I've never gotten to spend March 16th with. I don't know how I will feel on that day, so I pray I won't be too sad and not wanting to do anything and that I will have the energy to visit with people.
Anyways, these are the main plans as of right now. There are other traditions and things that will come together I'm sure in the next couple weeks. I would love to hear input from anyone with ideas for how to honor Lily on her day. I of course will be taking lots of photos of her day and blogging all about it. :)
When I was working with a monument company to design Lily's memorial headstone, I knew what I wanted incorporated. I knew I wanted it small with a little lamb on top (as well as all the other things that are included). Stones with the lambs on top were very common Victorian markers for children and for different reasons (both the way they look and the meaning behind lambs) I was drawn to them from the first time I started seeing them. I had three years to think about what type of stone I wanted for Lily Katherine.
The monument company was creating Lily's stone completely custom-made (meaning there are no other stones in the world exactly like it... I love that it is special for Lily!) They asked for direction on size and the actual lamb. I tried my best to describe the type of lamb I wanted (trust me, all lambs are not the same - some are really cheesy looking and some don't even look like lambs) and they made one that I ended up not liking at all. My heart sank when I first saw photos of it in my email inbox and I was so disappointed and began to wonder if I'd ever be fully satisfied with a stone for my girl.
This company is so amazing (email me for their name and information at roseandherlily@gmail.com) that they promised they would not stop working until I was fully satisfied with Lily's stone. They would remake the lamb for me. They just needed some more direction. I had no idea what more to say to describe what exactly I wanted and what I didn't want.
So my mom and I went to a large cemetery called Oakwood Cemetery in Raleigh, North Carolina for some ideas. There are quite a few stones there with the lamb on top. I wanted to find the size of what I wanted and the type of lamb I wanted. Stones like these aren't so common anymore, which I am glad about because I want Lily's stone to be "old-fashioned" and timeless, rather than modern.
We found a lamb and size of stone that the both of us loved after looking at many. I thought a lot about it and realized that this stone was the exact size I wanted! Not too small, but not too big. We actually took measurements of the tablet and lamb to send to the monument company. This way I knew exactly what I'd be getting and knew I'd be happy with the size.
Tablet: 12x4x13 (inches)
Lamb: 7.5 x 3.5 x 4 (inches)
Not only was the size of this stone what I wanted, but I really liked the lamb on top. The monument company asked for photos to reference when making Lily's stone, but I couldn't find any that I especially liked online. I was hoping and praying that I'd find something at the cemetery because I had been putting off responding for a while, not knowing what to do or say. I took photos of this precious little lamb to send to the monument company, not knowing how the final product would turn out.
I was nervous that the lamb wouldn't turn out right the second time around either. When I received the photos in an email, I held my breath while opening them. I loved the little lamb right away! It is everything I hoped it would be and more. I like it even more than the lamb from the cemetery. It turned out just right for my Lily.
Here are some side-by-side photos of the stone at Oakwood Cemetery and Lily's stone.
I wonder what little Henry's story is. I wonder who his parents were. He was born and died in September 1921. I hope his parents would feel honored that someone almost 100 years later was so inspired by their son's beautiful stone. I hope someone 100 years from now will be inspired by my Lily's stone.
If you are designing your baby's headstone, consider going to your local cemetery for ideas on both size and design.
Every so often, I will remember something totally random from my pregnancy with Lily. Because I have been busy working on my pregnancy scrapbook lately, it seems I have been remembering more. I want to be sure to write all these things down so I never forget the precious time when she was alive within me.
One particular memory I have been thinking about over the past couple days happened in mid to late August 2009. I was around 11 or 12 weeks pregnant at the time and was working at a little restaurant in my hometown in Virginia.
It is amazing how things you haven't thought of in years can suddenly be so vivid and clear in your mind. As I remember this day, it feels as if I am back there on that hot August summer afternoon. The sky was clear and blue and the sun was warm on my skin. I remember I was wearing a green shirt I often wore and my favorite pair of jeans. It's almost like a movie and I am watching myself but also experiencing it again myself (I don't even know if that makes sense).
I had just celebrated my 20th birthday. God had been changing my heart so much in such a short amount of time. He kept me from going through with having an abortion on August 15th. My baby was still safe and alive.
At my job each week, we would receive a shipment of supplies and food needed for the coming week and I would help carry in the heavy boxes. Well this particular day, I remember so clearly thinking that I better not lift anything too heavy because I was pregnant and I didn't want to hurt my baby. Nobody I worked with knew I was pregnant. I hadn't even shared the news with my family yet. Only my child's father and a new friend who had also experienced an unplanned pregnancy knew.
This is one of the first times I recall feeling my motherly instinct to protect my child. It brings happy tears to my eyes to think of this because I was in despair not long before this day. But look how God had breathed LIFE into me and was giving me hope that can only come from HIM. Hope for my life and the life of my child. Assurance that He would give me everything I needed the moment I needed it and that He cared more for my unborn baby than I could ever know or comprehend. I knew we were in His hands. He was giving me a heart of love and the desire to care for and protect my sweet babe.
I remember my heart smiling on this August afternoon and a real smile finding it's way to my face, as an overflow from my heart. It was one of the first times I was excited to be pregnant, despite my circumstances. I had a baby in my belly! And for a short while longer, it felt like it was a precious secret shared between my sweet child and myself...
That was the beginning of my desire to protect Lily's LIFE... now I have a desire to honor her legacy.
I am so thankful for these memories that the Lord brings to my mind. This summer, it will be 5 years since I started mothering my Lily.
I was blessed to receive a gorgeous new necklace free of charge in exchange for writing an honest evaluation/critique on it. The company who gave me my necklace is called Jewelry Keepsakes. They have a HUGE selection of memorial and cremation jewelry, offering many different lovely pieces at ranging prices - really something for everybody.
I was able to choose any piece of jewelry that I wanted from the website. I took my time in searching through all the different options. The Sterling Silver Daisy Heart Keepsake is what I kept coming back to. I have always wanted an old-fashioned looking silver heart locket. I especially like that this locket has a flower on the front, which is appropriate for Lily, "my little flower." Hearts are special to me and remind me of Lily as well because I had a Valentine's-themed baby shower on February 13th, 2010. I prefer the look of silver to gold.
my new locket in the box it came in
Anyways, not only do I love how beautiful this heart locket is, but I really like how it incorporates several things into it. Some pieces that Jewelry Keepsakes offers are cremation pieces, some incorporate photos, and some have engraving... well this locket has all three!
When the locket is opened, Lily's picture is on the left (I wanted just her face. I chose my favorite picture of her) and there are words that I chose to be engraved on the right in script font (there were different fonts to choose from). I have other pieces of jewelry with her name and birthday engraved, so I wanted to do something different with this locket.
Lily's photo and the custom-engraving
I chose a phrase that is very special to me - "Forever and a day sweet Lily." I had thought about including this on Lily's headstone but didn't because there was only so much space to work with. They are lyrics from mine and Lily's song called "Forever and a Day" by Jewel (you can listen to the song below or by clicking on this link). I listened to it all the time during my pregnancy and Lily would just dance and dance. Forever and a day, I will love and miss Lily. Forever and a day, I will carry her with me. Forever and a day, she will be my first-born child.
I had trouble figuring out how to get Lily's photo small enough for the locket. I am still not pleased with it and am going to get a photo even smaller to replace the existing one (I don't want her hat cropped off in the photo). The easiest thing when placing a photo in this locket is to go to a place like Staples or Office Max and get them to resize and print the photo for you. Then you can cut it out and place it in the locket, which was simple enough. I took a hard copy of the photo with me to Office Max, but they could only get it so small that way. The guy who works there told me to bring back a digital copy and they will be able to get it even smaller. That should take care of it.
There is a secret compartment on the back of the necklace where I am going to place some of the dirt from Lily's burial site. I had thought of doing something like this a long time ago, but completely forgot until I saw it suggested on their website. This is the description of the necklace:
"This gorgeous heart cremation locket would make the perfect gift to a dear friend who has lost someone they loved. Each heart has been crafted of sterling silver and will hold one small photo of your choosing in addition to some cremains or cremated ashes, some ground from the site of burial or even a lock of hair to show your devotion."
I thought the cremation pieces of jewelry wouldn't work for me since Lily was buried, not cremated, but this is such a special idea! I don't have the ground to add to the necklace yet, but on my next trip to Virginia to see Lily's stone, I will get it. There is a small screw that seems like it will be easy to remove when I'm ready to add the burial ground. The ground where Lily is buried is holy and to be able to wear it on a necklace means so much to me. And because I live in a different state than where Lily is buried, it will be extra meaningful to have a bit of that ground with me. The necklace came with supplies and directions for adding the remembrance of choice to the necklace. Keep in mind that you can include other things in one of these pieces of jewelry even if your loved one was not cremated.
I received an 18" premium silver chain which is really pretty and sturdy. The chain works well with some of my other pieces of jewelry as well. :)
I was so excited and surprised when the necklace arrived at my home the day after I decided what I wanted! It is even more beautiful in person than online. It looks and feels like very high-quality. It is smaller than I thought it'd be.
The locket next to a nickel for size comparison
I only have a couple "complaints," except they are not really complaints. When the locket first arrived, it wouldn't close all the way and there was an open gap where it should snap shut. I let the company know and they immediately said they were sorry and that they would send out a new necklace with a return label for the broken one. That necklace arrived with overnight shipping as well. I had a bit of trouble opening that one at first, but my dad helped me and it loosened up and is now working great. I was impressed with how kind the lady who I worked with was and how quickly she handled this.
I have many pieces of jewelry that I have either gotten myself or received as a gift in honor and memory of Lily. Each piece is unique and meaningful to me. I can already tell this locket is going to be one of my favorites that I will wear often. This is a special piece with multiple things incorporated. I like that it is private so nobody has to know who the necklace is for or what is included unless I choose to tell them. It feels like something between my girl and I. :)
If you are looking for a high-quality piece of remembrance jewelry that can be personalized, for yourself or for a loved one, I highly recommend looking into Jewelry Keepsakes. If you are wanting to order something for a special event or day but don't have much time, the fast shipping is excellent! The customer service is also wonderful. The lady who I worked with is named Hallie and she was very patient and kind with me and answered all my questions quickly and thoroughly. It was nice to work one-on-one with somebody. I can tell she truly cares about offering this jewelry to the bereaved. Hallie can be contacted by email at hallie@jewelrykeepsakes.com.
Thank you so much again Hallie! I love my locket! :)
