After perusing what they had on the clearance rack (that's the way to shop), we were looking around in the baby section for my adorable niece, Harvest (a.k.a. "the Squish"). We were chatting away, laughing, and attempting to keep the Squish happy, as she was getting a bit fussy. We took turns holding up different baby clothes and accessories, exclaiming to one another how cute these things were.
Suddenly, Kala turned to me and said something along the lines of how she was glad we could do this together... just looking through the baby section, having a fun and special time together as sisters. The tears came because I knew what she meant... she meant she's glad I can be in the baby section without pain. The tears came because I am glad too. Last week I went to the Childbirth Class with someone and then met my friend's precious new baby, and now this week I was in the baby section, with no pain involved. The tears come because these things are a big reminder to me of how far I have come over the years... in my healing. In God restoring what once seemed irreparable.
The Scripture that sprang to mind as I started typing this was Isaiah 43:19 which says, "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
I will be honest in saying that these things can be difficult for me... but not all the time now. And that is a huge victory. Those who are fresh in their grief, trust me that it can and will ease in time with the grace of the Lord. It's not the time that does it, but Jesus, and He can certainly use the passing of time too, whether or not you have another living child.
Not only are these things not painful all the time now, but I also don't allow them to control or consume me as I once did. I am able to carry on, even if I do feel sad... And the sadness is a bit different now. It's not necessarily for Lily that I feel sad for when confronted with such circumstances... it's the longing to experience pregnancy with another child, and the gift of seeing that child grow. It's the wishing I had a reason myself to go to a Childbirth Class and shop in the baby section.
For now, I thank God that He is doing a new thing and is giving me the eyes and opportunities to perceive it, for the hope of the future, and for that precious almost-4-month-old niece of mine with round cheeks and bright smiles to help carry me through the gray days.