Monday, September 12, 2016

One Day I'll Know

Whenever I see or hear something about a 6-week gestation baby in the womb, it makes me stop in my tracks.

That is the age Luke Shiloh was when he went to be with Jesus.

I saw this posted on Facebook...


I held Lily in my arms. I never held Luke in my arms. I heard Lily's heartbeat. I never heard Luke's. There are many stark differences between my pregnancies and experiences. But just because I don't connect as much with Luke doesn't mean he wasn't just as real. He had kidneys, a heart, lips, a stomach, brain waves, ears, lungs, and eyes. He had his own unique DNA that will never be replicated again.

He will always be my baby, my first baby. His loss will always be one of the greatest regrets of my life. It'll also be one of the greatest displays of undeserved redemption.

As Summer turns to Fall, I wonder who my first baby would be, at 7-years-old. I wonder what birthday he would have had. I wonder all there is to wonder as a mother who doesn't know her child growing up on Earth. I wonder just as I wonder with Lily... only more. Because with Lily, I know for certain she was a little girl and that she looked like her mommy. With Lily, I know what it was like to see her dancing on the ultrasound screen and hear the melody of her heart.

With Luke, well, I'm not even sure what his gender truly was. Deep in my heart, I feel he was a boy, which is why I've named him Luke Shiloh. However, there is still that wondering. He could have been a she. Lily could have a sister rather than a brother. I could have another little precious daughter waiting for me in Heaven. I'll never fully know until I get Home. But I have peace knowing both my babies are there, away from all heartache and harm. And I know one coming day I will have answers to every one of my aching questions.

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