Saturday, October 8, 2016

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 8

Day 8: Beautiful Mysteries
October 8, 2016 

Day 8. Beautiful Mysteries: To me, my son is a beautiful mystery. I gave birth to him and yet I never knew him. I sometimes allow myself to imagine that he is alive in another time and space and that we are all together. If it is not too painful, allow yourself to imagine who your child would be now. What would they be like? What would they be passionate about? Tell a wild, beautiful story about them.

My Lily Katherine is a beautiful mystery. There is so much about her that I wonder... Who would she be? What/who would she look like? What interests would she have? What would her voice sound like? And her laugh? What color would her eyes be? Blue I think. That question haunts me. At times, these things can hurt to think about. If she were here, if I'd delivered her shortly before she was born, before her little heart stopped for no apparent reason, there wouldn't be this giant question-mark on everything her life could have held.

Lily was my little mini-me, strikingly resembling her mommy at birth. At each age she'd be, I am comforted by picturing her looking and acting like I did at that very age. I picture her as the perfect blend of girly-girl and tomboy, seeking adventure and heartily playing outdoors, while also loving to twirl around the living room like a ballet dancer and endlessly playing with her American Girl dolls. I picture her as sweet and gentle as the flower she's named after, while at the same time feisty and courageous. I picture her as hilarious and full of exuberant laughter. I picture her as a lover of babies and cats, and with a soft heart for Jesus, who I'd pray would be her first love always. I picture this abundant life here on Earth and I ache because when you lose your child, you lose a lifetime of what-ifs and maybes. I think of all my own life has help up until this point and it highlights all that I'm missing with my own little girl. One life holds so much and I won't know any of what Lily's would have held beyond the womb.

The thing is, though, deep in my heart, I know that she was never meant to be a little girl of this world. She was always meant to be my daughter of Heaven. The Lord numbered her days (Psalm 139:16) and chose for each of those days to be lived within her mommy's womb.

Instead of thinking too much about who she could have been on Earth, I imagine who she is in Heaven! Because she is alive and I am so excited I will get to know her there. The Lord has been so good to give me glimpses into her life there, through dreams I've had as well as friends have had.

I want to share part of what my friend Kate wrote about a dream she had a few years back: "It was short, and was one of those dreams that truly feel like a dream because it was so peaceful and beautiful. You and I were just sitting in chairs next to each other in a living room somewhere. And Lily was there. I don't remember you or I saying a word to each other, we just smiled and laughed and watched Lily. She wasn't a baby, she actually looked like the just barely two-year-old that she should be. All I remember is that she had really sweet wispy blonde hair, and gorgeous blue eyes. And I knew she was Lily; she truly did look just like a little mini you. It seemed so completely natural that she was there with you, as she would run playfully around the room, and then straight back to you again. That was pretty much all, except that right before I woke up, she looked up at me and smiled, and from that moment I knew that I was supposed to remember this dream and share it with you. It made something I had remembered reading on your blog very real - that while she only got to be a little Lily-bud here, she is most definitely blooming with life in Jesus. That even when little heats seem to stop on Earth, they never miss a beat in the Heavenly realm. What I feel most strongly when I think of it is that - Lily is alive. Vibrantly alive. And that you are mother to an adorable, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, Lily, and you always will be. Even though you're missing her now, Eternity awaits."

I cannot describe how much hope and anticipation these beautiful words give me for the future to come with my blue-eyed girl. 💕

-Click here to see all of my photos from CYG 2016.


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